The days following the photoshoot were inherently confusing. Not because of the photos themselves – no, Sara called them the day after to say they turned out even better than she expected, and that she’ll send the edited versions along with the raws as soon as possible.

The problem was that Aidan almost definitely had a stroke while it was all happening. He had almost kissed Chris. Who he was living with and who confessed to him. In front of a room full of people. Including Ben.

Yes, brain damage was the only possible explanation. And the worst part was that he wasn’t the only one who noticed it. Aidan spent every day since the photoshoot doing his best to avoid Chris at home – which was surprisingly easy. All of a sudden, his schedule was full of early meetings and late dinners. By the time Aidan would wake up, the apartment would be empty – the same way it would be when he’d return from work, which allowed him to eat a quick dinner, usually just some leftovers that were the only sign Chris was still even living there, then sneak away to his room.

They’ve been dancing this weird dance of avoidance for almost a week now. Aidan wasn’t stupid enough to think this was a coincidence. If only he knew what it actually was. That clear, utter rejection from Chris echoed in his mind over and over again ever since it happened, often at the most unexpected moments, and always accompanied by that uncomfortable, overwhelming, confusing feeling.

Of course, it made sense that Chris was uncomfortable. That much he figured quickly enough. Knowing how he felt, and understanding the position he was in far too well, Aidan could at the very least understand why kissing him would be a red line for Chris. What he couldn’t understand was his own reaction to it. Not even in the slightest. In fact, every time he thought about it was akin to stepping right to the ledge of a major panic attack.

And so, he did anything and everything to avoid that. To avoid anything that would make him think, see, talk to, or sense Chris. Including the unthinkable.

The living room of his old apartment was pretty much the same as he remembered it, with the exception of the piles of neatly folded clothes that covered the sofa. He supposed it made sense considering the fact he moved out less than a month ago, but with everything going on, not only did it seem like so much longer, but he had also been trying to put as much distance as possible between himself and Ben. Considering the fact he saw him every day at work, that included mostly things like hanging out, especially in places that now had happy pictures of him and Leah displayed right on the TV console. Still, tonight, the ghosts of his old apartment seemed far less scary than the demons lurking in the shadows of Chris’.

“So, not that I mind getting paid in Chinese food to watch you hold up every Christmas sweater in your impressive collection, but are you really sure you want me to help you with that?” Aidan leaned back against the couch. He spent the last hour sprawled on the rug, eating greasy lo mein and drinking alcoholic cider while Ben sorted through everything in his closet. Winter-themed knitwear included.

Ben laughed, in that same way that made joy and freedom flow off of him, as he tossed a powder blue polo shirt onto the donation pile. “I already told you, Leah is out on a girls’ night and I really need to get the monster my closet has become under control, before something important gets lost in there. And I haven’t spent too much time with my best friend lately, so I wanted to do that as well.

“Besides,” he added, lifting a pair of deep burgundy skinny jeans. “You’ve known me the longest. Who’s better to help me with these tough decisions than you?”

“You mean I’ve personally seen you wear most of these monstrosities so it’s not quite as shameful,” he arched a brow, earning himself another chuckle. “And I think it’s safe to say these aren’t coming back anytime soon. They should go.”

Ben tossed the pants into the same pile, right on top of the shirt, before dropping to sit crossed legged on the floor across from Aidan.

“I’m serious though,” he said as he propped an elbow on the coffee table. “You know it’s not because you’re a second choice or anything like that right? It’s just been so busy with the move and the cafe and everything that I thought this could be a chance to just hang out. Maybe I should have thought of something more fun to do though,” he sighed. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Aidan was quick to raise his hands and offer a reassuring smile. “I didn’t think that. I don’t. I was just messing with you. I’m happy to help. And you’re right, I have seen you wearing most of this stuff, so really, this is like a trip down memory lane. You know, like that ridiculous vest you wore when you went to that job interview in that doctor’s office on Mulberry.”

“It was my first serious job interview! I was sixteen!”

“It was bright orange.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Oh yeah?” Aidan arched his brow. “So what color was it?”

“It was, like… turmeric.”

Aidan stopped digging in his food to stare at Ben pointedly. “You’re lucky I actually know you’re a good cook.”

Ben laughed again and picked up an eggroll, taking a big bite he didn’t bother swallowing before he spoke. “I mean, in my defense I don’t really use turmeric when I bake.”

“Maybe you should, since you like it enough to buy a vest in its exact color.”

“Okay, now you’re lucky I know you actually know good food. Even if you could… still use some practice cooking it.”

Now it was Aidan’s turn to snicker. That was sugar coating it. Professionally. But then again, Ben was always too nice about his complete incompetence in the kitchen. Sometimes he wondered if his earnest willingness to do it for the both of them made his problem even worse.

“Speaking of which,” Ben popped the last of the eggroll into his mouth. “How’s the whole cooking for yourself situation going? To be honest, I’m a little surprised you didn’t call me more.”

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m not a child you know.”

“No, I mean, I’m glad it’s not that bad, just…” he smiled and gave a small shrug. “I thought you’ll need me more.”

Aidan paused for a moment, drink frozen mid-air, before nodding slowly. 

“I guess I thought so too. And honestly, I don’t think it’s going as well as you think it does. It’s been… mostly takeout. And Chris cooking.”

Mostly Chris cooking, actually, he thought as he finished taking that swig. Ben chuckled in understanding as he turned his attention to his fried rice.

“How is he by the way?”

Once again, Aidan froze. His gaze dropped to the bottle in his hands.

“Oh, um… fine, I guess,” he said as he began scratching the edge of the label. ”I don’t know, I haven’t really seen him much this week. Think he’s been busy.”

“And in general?” Aidan lifted his gaze to see Ben smiling at him over the table once more, yet much more softly than before. “How’s it been like living with him? I…” he bit his bottom lip. “Honestly, I still feel bad about everything that happened. I’m really grateful for what you did, but… still feels a little like I forced you out, you know?”

He did. He could read it all too easily in the guilty expression Ben was wearing. At the same time though, he knew it was just as equally, if not more, him who ran away.

“No, it’s fine,” he shook his head. “I think it was about time anyway, you two have been together for ages.”

“We’ve been together longer though,” Ben smiled warmly. “You’re my other significant other.”

“Damn, does that mean I should be mad about the other woman coming in and snatching my man away?” Aidan smirked. Ben burst into the cute giggles that scrunched his nose and shook his shoulders. And Aidan… found himself joining in, laughing easily, naturally. Without having to put up a mask that’ll hide the pain.

It was only once his laughter died down that he felt a dull, bitter pinch in his chest.

“Really though, you don’t have to worry about me. I mean my unimproved cooking abilities aside, it’s been… pretty good.” That wasn’t a lie. Despite everything, how it happened, the issues with the cafe, even the unexpected confession from Chris, ever since he moved out, in some ways, life was much easier. He didn’t have to hide or pretend anymore. Even when things were hard or scary, he didn’t have to conceal his feelings out of fear they would ruin something. And they weren’t all bad either. Even with everything going on, Aidan was… happy.

“What is it?”

He looked up. Ben was still looking at him, though the expression he wore wasn’t one he was familiar with. There was wonder in his eyes, along with a glimmer of joy and delight.

“Huh?”

“You’re smiling.”

He supposed he was, though it took Ben pointing it out for Aidan to notice the corners of his lips were indeed curving up. He dropped them immediately. “What, you’d rather I frown instead?”

“No of course not,” Ben leaned his cheek into his palm. “It’s just… I feel like it’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you this happy. And I don’t know if I ever saw you like this. I…” he leaned back and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re going to laugh at me.”

“What?”

“No it’s just… That’s kind of how I imagined you’d look like when you find someone you really like. But I guess living in a fancy apartment would do that too,” he laughed.

This time, Aidan couldn’t join in. Someone he really liked? He already had someone like that. He already had Ben. He was the person he wanted to spend time with and be close to. The one he wanted to take care of, that made him laugh and smile while also making him nervous as hell. The one he wanted to see happy, yet hurt him a little more whenever he saw him happy with someone else. It was all Ben.

At least, it used to be.

Aidan could feel his entire body freeze. The thought popped up in his mind so loud it might as well have been shouted right into his ear through a megaphone. It used to be?

“Are you okay?”

Aidan’s head snapped up again. Ben was holding out a fortune cookie, though the questioning look in his eyes seemed to be about more than whether he liked it or not.

“Yeah, ,it’s nothing,” he was quick to give him a reassuring smile and take it. He was also suddenly all too consumed by opening the wrapper and taking it out. “We should probably go back to work though, if we want to go through all your fashion experiments before the sun comes up.”

Ben looked as though he was contemplating saying something, though after a moment he merely nodded and shoved his own cookie into his mouth before getting up, allowing Aidan to let out a quiet sigh of relief. Whatever it was, it was better unpacked later, when he was home, alone.