“Knowing those folk, they most likely did not even open my letter. Granddaughter, go and deliver the news in person.”

And just like that, Anisa, prodigy child and heir to the esteemed duchy of Liewenberg, had been assigned the daunting task of acting as her grandfather’s carrier pigeon. Was she alright with it? Well, of course not! Anisa could think of a thousand better ways to make use of her time. She had important exams coming up next season, after all. Not to mention the life-changing summoning ritual waiting just around the corner- at the top of her class, Anisa couldn’t possibly afford to slack off! And yet, when the head of the house caught you sneaking off to the kitchen for a late snack and accidentally overhearing an important business discussion between the adults, and then gave you a direct order instead of scolding you (even if it was only because you unfortunately happened to end up in front of his eyes in exactly the wrong moment) – that wasn’t something you could say no to now, could you.

The girl angrily kicked at an innocent bamboo shoot at the side of the road. 

Curses. 

Her feet hurt from walking, and now one of them hurt even more from kicking hard bamboo. Certainly, she could think of many a reason that would help explain her bad mood and dissatisfaction with this new task. But in all honesty, there was really only one.

She noticed one of her hair ties had loosened after her short outburst and tugged on the knot to tighten it. With both of her ponytails sufficiently secure, she let the ends of her ties rest in her fingers. The ribbons holding her hair in place were soft and silky to the touch, and she knew the deep crimson complimented her pale strawberry blonde perfectly. But the colour also made her recall memories she counted simultaneously to her most hated and her most treasured ones, and each time she felt conflicted and lost, confused at how to think and how to feel.

She tugged at her left hair tie. It felt as familiar to her as any other part of her.

‘Elder cousin, you’re leaving again?!’, five-year-old Anisa whines and tugs at her cousin’s sleeve. She’s too young to see his military attire as anything else than a fancy uniform from fairy tales and childish fantasies about brave soldiers and knights who fight dragons and ride horses.

The head maid clicks her tongue and is about to berate her, but her cousin chuckles and leans down. He pats her head, and it’s the best feeling in the world. He does the same thing to her brother next to her as he answers. ‘Only for a while. You guys don’t slack off while I’m gone, okay?’

The adults come together and exchange solemn looks and serious words, then her cousin turns to leave. He's reached the gate outside when she catches up to him, having escaped the maid’s clutches for a last goodbye. She wants to send him off all dignified and like a real grown-up, but she ends up crying like a baby instead, and her cousin has to calm her down.

‘Look- ah, I almost forgot, how could I?’, he brings a knuckle to his temple and his cheerful tone distracts her from her misery. ‘I got something for you.’

Her cousin takes her small hands gently and she cups them expectantly in response. He places something inside, and she looks down to find a beautiful red ribbon. When he draws his hands back, she looks up and sees him tying an identical ribbon around his own hair. Eagerly, she copies him. He smiles at her. ‘Now we match! Sweet, isn’t it?’

She brushed through the strands on her right. The same material nipped at her fingers, but she knew the crimson on this one would never feel the same.

Her brother is standing right next to her, holding her elbow and steadying her as her world goes spinning out of control. Her knees feel like they are about to abandon her, and there is a knot building up in her throat that tastes of salt.

‘I’m sorry’, the soldier in front of the family says, and his voice breaks. ‘This is the only thing we were able to find.’

He offers them a ribbon, dried blood forming black spots on top of its crimson, and she later remembers feeling weirdly disconnected listening to her own sobs.

She can’t look at the ribbon for days afterwards, but she can’t abandon it either. It hurts thinking about the elder cousin she so used to look up to, yet she can’t allow herself to forget him. As she is holding it one day in contemplation, her hands trembling, her brother next to her speaks. 

‘You don’t have to bear it alone’, he offers. ‘I remember him too. I can help you not forget.’

She gives him the ribbon, and they start wearing them together. Two years pass before a small, insignificant moment suddenly makes her recall her most painful parting memory and she starts crying again. 

‘I’m only gonna check out that place real quick and come back- don’t cry. Here, hold on to my ribbon for a bit, alright? I’ll be home before dinner and take it back, don’t worry.’

She doesn’t see her brother again for the next five years. 

When she does, he seems to have changed so much that she isn’t sure if he even remembers the ribbon. She clutches it tightly behind her back and welcomes him home quietly. She misses the right moment to give it back to him. He doesn’t ask.

Years had passed since then, and the two ponytails had at one point become one of her trademarks among those who knew her. Few knew of the history behind them, however. Not even her friends were aware. It was one of the things Anisa didn’t talk about anymore. 

And now, she was ultimately forced to bring a message to a face she wasn’t ready to face yet- at least, she had no idea how to face him, and even less how to feel about it all. There were so many emotions swirling around inside her, and dealing with her own emotions had never been on Anisa’s list of favourite things. They were so messy, and messy things just didn’t suit the image of the perfect top student Anisa liked to picture herself as. 

Anisa considered simply giving up and heading home. Surely a tactical retreat in the face of past demons couldn’t be that much of an unacceptable reason? But in the same instant, her mind conjured up an image of her grandfather’s disappointed scowl, and it was enough to temporarily dispel all of her doubt and unwillingness to go through with her task. She straightened her back, balled her hands into fists and, with finality, took another step to continue her path. Anisa of Liewenberg would not back down today.