“...what?” Father Creed asks.

The disheveled, oafish slob of a brother, Teddy, nervously looks around in all directions. “Percy…WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE got a problem!”

[Uproarious live studio audience laughter]

Father Creed sighs. “Oh, brother! And I do mean BROTHER!”

[Uproarious live studio audience laughter, clapping, loud whistling]

“And not once did you even consider texting me back on that new cellphone I bought you.” Father Creed wags his finger. “I needed the help of the “best” janitor [He looks directly at the camera and rolls his eyes] to mop the floor hours ago!”

[Uproarious live studio audience laughter]

Father Creed fumbles around his pocket. “Speaking of which, this episode is sponsored by the Apple iPhone 13 Pro Max with a 6.7-inch display-”

With no hesitation, Teddy grabs Father Creed by the sleeve and whisks him away outside. Father Creed’s loose Apple iPhone 13 Pro Max with a 6.7-inch display hits the floor.

Teddy, in a panic, leads Father Creed around the parish center building and back by the garage.

“HANDS OFF, cretin. I know how to walk!” Father creed bats Teddy’s hand away.

“Sorry brother dear, oh sweet loving and intelligent brother of mine.” Teddy winces as he leads Father Creed to a trash can in front of the garage.

[POV shot of inside the trash can as Teddy lifts the lid, perspective is looking up at Father Creed and Teddy]

Father Creed sighs. “...bring it inside…”

The two brothers hoist the trash can by the handles and waddle to the back door.

Father creed rustles in his pockets. “You’re lucky the keys are always on me…”

“That’s why you’re the most intelligent, brother dear. Oh, sweet, loving, and intelligent brother of mine.”

Father Creed swings the door open, kicks off the snow on the outside wall, and wipes his shoes off on the mat before entering. Teddy does the same but in a more buffoonish and oafish manner. [The live studio audience loves it, probably]

The two brothers make their way to the paint-chipping-off basement door. They open it.

“Watch your step, Teddy.”

Teddy steps down the first rickety step down to the basement. “You know me, brother dear. I always watch my steps! I get at least 10,00 steps a day!”

“You don’t look like you do, fatass.”

[Live studio audience gasps and goes “ooooooooooo”]

“Percy, that’s fatphobic!” Teddy looks directly at the camera reassuringly.

[Live studio audience cheers in approval]

“Watch it! Keep your eyes on where you’re going!”

Teddy slips and loses balance. Father Creed tries to cling the trash can back.

In a silly voice, the two brothers clamor, “WHOA. WHOA? WHOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!”

The trash can tumbles…

*BOMP* *BOMP*

*CLAAAAAANG* The trash can bangs itself against the railing and stairs all the way to the bottom…

Father Creed looks at Teddy, miffed.

Teddy shrugs with a goofy smile. “Oooooooooops! SILLY! OLD! ME!”

[Uproarious live studio audience laughter]

They both walk down after it.

[POV downward panning shot from the wall, revealing knocked-down tools]

[Stopping at the backs of the brothers]

Father Creed shakes his head and goes *tsk* *tsk*. “Oh, Teddy…”

[Camera climbs over Father Creed’s shoulder]

…

…

The pale mangled corpse of a child that fell out of the trash can lies on the concrete. Eyes still open…chapped lips…pale, pale skin. Wearing a deep bruise above the collar of her favorite Christmas sweater…

“Teddy, Teddy, Teddy…” Father Creed shakes his head. “Holly Kringle was my brightest student out of the entire seventh-grade class…”

Teddy weeps.

“Kristine is gonna be a wreck…” Father Creed sighs and rubs his head.

Teddy falls to his knees. “It’s not fair, Percy! It’s not fair! She didn’t have to struggle! She didn’t have to die like that!” Teddy crawls closer to her, his face sunken in his hands. “She gave me a tiny elf with a candy cane in one hand and a Merry Christmas, Mr. Creed card in the other.”

Father Creed yawns and scrolls through his phone.

“She was the only one in the whole school that gave me a present! It made me so happy! I wanted to give her a present too! But she didn’t like it! SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT! I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t shut up! I felt so silly and sorry, but she wouldn’t SHUT UP!” Teddy pounds Holly’s lifeless chest with his heavy fists. Seething with fury. “She was so sweet, Percy! People should be sweet to her too! It’s not fair! WHY DIDN’T SHE LIKE MY PRESENT!?!?!?”

Father Creed pats Teddy’s shoulder. 

Teddy slows the clobbering down to a stop. 

Father Creed pats Teddy again.

Teddy rises, and the two walk over to a crusty and cracked wall.

Father Creed silently feels around the cracks. One crack is just barely wide enough to squeeze his finger inside. He bites his tongue as he wiggles his finger inside. “Ah!”

With a *click* the wall pushes forward half an inch with part of the ceiling. Then like a sliding patio door, Father Creed swings the false wall right as wheels squeak from hinges up top.

Behind this false wall lies the silliest little cleanup room you ever did see! With barrels of sulfuric acid for those tough stains! A tub for soaking and hoses for the perfect rinse!

“I’ll leave you to it…” Father Creed pats Teddy’s shoulder again and steps away. “Oh, and one other thing!”

“Yes, brother dear, oh sweet loving and intelligent brother of mine?”

Father Creed clenches Teddy’s testicles with a grip akin to a monkey wrench.

“OOOOOOOOOH, BROTHER DEAR!!!” Teddy goes red in the face and sweats. His knees buckle.

Father Creed threads his clench harder. “Teddy…”

Teddy’s back bends as he goes toward the floor. “Not tiny Teddy’s balls. Not again! Oooooooooooh. Not tiny Teddy’s balls!”

Father Creed stares deep into Teddy’s soul. “Teddy…I thought MY students were OFF LIMITS!”

Teddy cries in agony. “Yes, yes, yes, oh sweet loving, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, intelligent brother of mine!”

“Then why am I squeezing tiny Teddy’s BALLS?” Father Creed bends his arm as he clenches harder.

Teddy wiggles around. “Because I’m not as sweet or as loving…”

“AND?” Father Creed reaches a critical clench.

“AAAAAAAAAAND, I’m stoooooooopid. I upset you. You work so hard to take care of me. I’m sorry for being so spoiled rotten!”

“I bring the friends to YOU!”

Teddy wheezes. “I’ll be patient, I’ll be patient, I’ll be patient…” Barely getting any words in.

Father Creed releases Teddy. Teddy gasps for air as if he were drowning.

“Three strikes and you’re out, Teddy. Silly rascal.” Father Creed rubs Teddy’s head and walks to the stairs. “I’ll clean house upstairs.” He points at Teddy. “Don’t make a mess. I’ll text you after I leave. Stay down HERE! And lights out means LIGHTS OUT, got it?”

Teddy wipes sweat from his face as he nods like a chipmunk.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Eve, Teddy.” Father Creed slaps the railing as he walks up the stairs.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Eve, Percy.” Teddy drags Holly’s corpse into the silliest cleaning room you ever did see.

[fade to commercial break]