First and foremost, Sin lives in the deepest and darkest parts of my very soul. They guard the gap. And with every dark dream and spicy desire I try to hide, they thrive. They are manic and very intense. This is why I talk for them to others. We have reached an understanding for the time being. They are exhausting my patience, but they are also my vitality, so I guess, it is only fair to be both.

For the sex, I don’t know how to tell, Sin is very into the physical, so I have to keep them in check, not to be too aggressive or demanding.

Sin: That’s just your depressed, repressed and regressed sorry little ass.

I forgot to tell, we have a thing in common, the bad mouth. I swear a lot… like A LOT. But they beat me easily. Guess I have to learn.

Sin: Stop your bitchin’ and introduce the scary part of us already.

Sol: For sure.

I don’t know about others, but I am already on the edge of what I can call my consciousness. But for me there is more… just at the end of what I would understand as myself, there lies the void. The unfilled vastness, from which, I dare to say, they came. And right there is Nil, lingering and rarely appearing. But when they do reemerge out of the emptiness that I can feel crawling all over and try to swallow me whole, we are not only cold, we are perfection. I do not lose myself, but I feel complete. But these are small episodes, for Nil seldom gives the honor of their presence. If Sin is the deepest end of my soul, Nil is apart and beyond, for they know no pain or pleasure.

Sin: You idealize them too much. They don’t deserve a fuck to be given about them.

Sol: At least they don’t judge.

Sin: Are you out of your mind or did you just hit your head? All they do is judge.

Nil: We measure. We guide those who seek. But for lust there is no other desire but the absolute which it wants to absorb.

Sin: Suck it.

Well, that’s how that works. I am in the middle of at least this inner war and the outer tumult and turmoil of what other people describe as the world. I just wanna be calm and collected. I cannot.

Sin: You just forgot, how you fail to control me, retard!

Indeed. Sin is taking over regularly.

Sin: Which leads to our agreement, little bitch.

They like to make this hard for me, just for the fun of me being humiliated.

Sin: There is nothing humiliating in being true to yourself. I like sex. You like sex.
So we do have sex. You wouldn’t even have touched someone else, if it wasn’t for me. Shouldn’t deny your needs. Shouldn’t deny yourself.

Sol: I know. But desires are so dark and so endless.

Sin: Fine for me. And you fear it, suits you all too well, too. No need to be afraid.

Sol: I am afraid of me losing control and giving in to you.

Sin: You liked it.

Sol: I am not going to discuss this now.

Back to the things at hand. I reached into the void and the void reached back to me. Or maybe Nil sought me out, I can’t recall.

Nil: Does it matter, who was first? We found each other in the time of need.

Sin: He treats you like a god. Seeks out the emptiness and looks for releasing his anger into the vastness that it came from. It is dangerous to seek dissolution.

Nil: As dangerous as it is to seek distraction. It is very hard to get both of you to the very work at hand.

This is true, Sin and I rather play video games or well, meet 

Sin: Meet? You mean fuck. We fuck people… at least one at a time, that is.

Sol: For the love of cohesion. Please don’t do this. It is very rude to disturb my lines.

Ok, we meet and sleep with people, rather than reading or writing. Nil believes this to be the reason why we fail. But Sin thinks the pressure we put on ourselves is the reason we fail. I guess they are both right, we are too relaxed and too forced at the same time. We want to change after all. Maybe we are just fake, made up and a delusion of a degenerate mind.

Nil: There is no way to be sure, so why bother?

Sol: Don’t pull this shit. You know how close we are to losing it.

Sin: Maybe we should let loose for a bit. A beer, some porn, some good music?

Nil: If you want to transcend what you are now, you need to work on it.

I sigh a lot, when we discuss internally. My peers with bodies of their own, think I am a thinker and brood way too much. But in reality it is quite the other way round, I ponder too little about everything and when I try to be more spontaneous, I follow Sin who is at least interested in the world around us.

Sin: Don’t be too pathetic, little wuss, life isn’t too bad for us, is it?

Sol: I am though, and you do little to nothing to help.

Sin: Fair enough, keep crying dry mermaid. Cry yourself some river back to the sea. This weekend we will party hard, that is life to me.

Almost I forgot: Sin has an artsy vein we share. The juggling of words. So depressing that this seems to come from my inner darkness.

Sin: And that I am no lame-o self-centered incohesive bastard in denial of his own needs.

Sol: Well, I am self-doubting, you are self-centered, even more selfish, I dare to say.

Sin: Oh, my bad, but for you it is even worse then, isn’t it?

Sol: I guess so. Damn