But you know… as much as I felt accomplished, by the end of those ten essays, I also felt completely exhausted. And I only really realized that when Alex held me and stroked my hair one night as we were going to sleep. As my husband held me in his arms, I started to cry.

I thought about how much I envied people who seemed to have their path in life all set out for them.

And I hated how my life felt like some weird social experiment that I had no safeword for.

I was so tired of just trying to make things work. It would be one thing if some clairvoyant genie popped out of nowhere and told me that all my efforts would be worth something in the end, but everything is so uncertain now. I know I said before that I hadn’t really written those essays with anything in mind, but somewhere along the way during essay number five, it became all about the numbers, and about how many people were reading what I was writing, and whether or not they liked it.

Liked me.

Yeah, I know I shouldn’t tie my worth into some random internet strangers’ opinions, but it’s hard not to when you’ve got nothing else going on. Man, I’m sorry my paper friend, this is getting kind of gloomy again, but it’s hard to describe such gross shitty feelings without making it sound depressing no matter how much humor I use.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t told Nog or James about this yet. And, to be honest… Alex knows something’s going on, but I told him I’d rather deal with it in therapy, instead of explaining myself. I feel kind of guilty about that, not going to lie. I honestly do want to tell Alex. But he’s just so busy right now, and I got the gist that he’s auditioning for a really important role, and I don’t want to be on his mind in that way whenever he’s out of the house.

I know he’s my husband and (hopefully) my partner for life. And I know that means we’ll likely end up counting on each other eventually at some points when shit gets hard. But I want to look out for him too, and I don’t want him to mess up at work because of me if I tell him something upsetting, so I’ve just been waiting for the right time to express these feelings to him (also, I’ve been going to therapy, so at least those feelings are leaving this mortal shell of mine somehow)

(damn, i felt like Alex writing that haha)

god, why does everything have to be so complicated? I wish I could just spend the day being paid to pet cats or eat chocolate or something like that.

Anyway, what was I saying again?

oh yeah

I’m feeling a little accomplished but really burnt out. I’m really clueless with what I should do now. The more I think about it, the more returning to another university scares the fuck out of me. I’ll probably work part time again in a few weeks just so I have something that feels like a routine (and because I still want to help with paying the bills) but I don’t want to do that all my life though.

Thankfully I can take a break or two whenever, and it won’t hurt my savings. But fuck though it’s nightmare fuel to imagine what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t have those savings or my loved ones to rely on…

You know, I kind of want to write an essay about that now.

Be right back, my cool paper friend: David has some emotional feelings he needs to type out.