We are forced into an alt set. I feel nauseated and realize almost instantly why. We are not back with Luca, we are at my original set. Naked in a desolate place on a remote planet in an abandoned star system. I hate this smaller frame. Anders’ body is a bit taller, leaner and more muscular. Even more attractive. With that darker blond hair and those mysterious green eyes.
But it is hard to compare them. Maybe it is the brown hair I liked and then I had that first mirror image of Anders and… well fell in love.
Sin: With his package
Sol: His face… and his package
Sin: No need to lie around here, where is the fresh meat?
Nil: He is with me already. For the time being he would like to be with someone as resistant to hormones as possible.
Sol: And for a moment I thought he liked me.
Sin: I like you, you are more miserable than anyone I know.
I cover my mouth but can’t hold back any more. I throw up. This frame… this body is too delicate, too sensitive, too fragile. It would be nice to have someone patting my back, but I am naked puking nothing except my stomach fluids. The taste alone is enough to make me vomit.
Sin: Let it out little buddy. No shame in getting rid of something urgent.
A pool of fluids nears my feet and I stumble and fall flat on my ass. My stomach hurts as does my throat. Without this ritual to begin my journey I truly believe it would be half as bad.
Nil: Relax and breathe… no spit out first. We will get you some water soon, you know that.
I cover my face with my hands before I get on my feet, dizzy. I don’t know what always brings us back here. I know every stone round here, there is only one direction to go for now. We will arrive at an old starship in just two hours. Water, clothes, all a person could want. Well, maybe some company.
Nil: We had more company than enough the last months.
Sin: Well not as much company as we could have had.
Sol: How is Kaleb holding up?
Nil: Not as disturbed as one would expect. He is just overwhelmed and surprised.
Sin: Sounds like quite the handful.
Nil: He will manage.
My feet carry me to an old little starship. Just enough space to get comfy alone and most of all it can be flown by just one person. Sin recaps the systems that are going to fail on our 6 day flight. I would love to throw up again, but we have to get the engine up and running.
I grab a jumpsuit at least two sizes too big and feel a bit comfy for now. Soon it will be too warm because of a defect in the air washing. I already dread the sweat and the dirt in every crevice. We set course to the next space station in an erratic pattern. No backtracking. Something in my stomach lets me always erase this lead.
The water cleanser is easily repaired. I have the most experience on this as I have always repaired it. It is always crucial. The air washing is way more tricky and whenever I forget it, I simply suffocate. A lesson I still have to learn properly. So I try to check the system, everytime I feel dizzy or weak. The problem is to stay awake for as long as possible. With less oxygen I am feeling tired faster.
I most of the time wake up from a headache that is starting to settle in. A sign of my inability to fix the air supply.
Kaleb: Slow your breathing. You keep your body at a high, consuming too much air. Let me help you. Yes. Way better. When your sight gets darker, you are about to fade.
Less oxygen consumption makes my work easier and the headache less intense. The water is drinkable but the taste is… let’s say distasteful. Any comparison would be disadvantageous to me.
Sin: Tastes like piss. But not fresh…
Sol: Stop right there.
Sin: What? It’s true. In the beginning we failed to filter it properly. Still no fan.
Some coolant for the engines is running low and I have a hard time to improvise. Hunger. Already. I have no idea how far we are on our journey and no amount of time would make it easier for me. I force the water down my throat and deliver the end product back to be made drinkable again.
Sleep deprivation does strange things to the mind. If I wasn't crazy before, I surely would be now. The sound of the engines and the air washing is all that it takes. Fear tries to rise inside me as if one of the two stops I would have to hurry to fix them.
But fear only gets so far. I have been here countless times before. I failed very often and even if I miss a thing this time, I will do better next.
Nil: It is a privilege to be unending, too. But it is also a burden. Your mind could easily be crushed by the endless repetition.
Sol: Then it would have been crushed a long time ago. No agony is forever, I guess.
Sin: Don’t be too sure about this. Though we have no risk in making avoidable mistakes, we could easily lose our main goal or the drive to achieve it. Over a long time we could sabotage ourselves in various ways and degrees. You still have to learn this.
Kaleb: I don’t understand.
Sol: I don’t either. But I guess they lost their bodies or maybe even something worse happened to them. They never speak about it but warn me in this ominous way, so we will leave it at this.
Kaleb: We better check on the oxygen supply, your heart is beating in your ears.
I realize how dizzy I am as I stumble towards the shaft, where the fresh air should be coming from. Not enough. Kaleb is a big help in fixing it up. We start to talk casually again.
Kaleb: So you are into men?
Sol: I am. Should have told you before I took you along?
Kaleb: No. It’s none of my business.
Sol: Well, now it is. You will tag along in one way or the other. But I have to admit Nil tries to stay as much out of it as they can. They will take you along, I guess.
Kaleb: Where are we going? Where are we even?
Sol: Of no importance. None of them. But I will take you dancing on the space station, if you like.
Kaleb: I would love to.
The station shouldn’t be too far away. My jumpsuit is knotted at my waist and the heat is excruciating.
Kaleb: Keep focused. If we fall asleep now, we won’t wake up again.
Sol: I know.
My feet find their way to the pilot seat. We are still en route. A few hours before we will be found by a patrol ship of the station in this system. Some alarm keeps me from falling asleep. I almost crawl back to the engine and try my best to keep it running. Kaleb is a big help at this. Finally someone with technical expertise. More than just practical.
Kaleb: Irony is, I never made it pilot.
Sin: No irony needed. Cream boy will happily make you pilot.
We totter back to the air supply. Even Kaleb cannot find the problem or malfunction as the headache rises and we seem to lose consciousness. The world turns darker and darker, trying to shove us down a long tunnel into darkness.
Sin: I’ll take over, don’t worry.
Kaleb: What does that mean?
Sol: Sin and Nil can act up without what a normal human would need. But only for a short time. After that we will most probably die.
I can feel the cold presence of Nil embracing both Kaleb and me in the cold dark of the depth of my mind. It is always depressing to be so very empty. No memories but always a task at hand. I wish I could lay my arm around Kaleb or Nil for some support. But I know there is no need for this. We cannot die. The only thing frustrating me is, this part is always a gamble as I cannot recall it clearly. I always try to recreate my steps but lose track too soon. It all runs down a drain and I try to catch as much as I can with my bare hands. But time is more like water than anything.
We’ll see if we have to endure this again. We simply have to stay calm. Easy to be said.
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