Another week has gone by. Nanth still suffers and I realized why. He lost everything. His family, his friends, his past and his future. I can only see in his example what that means. And still he keeps going on. I just look at him dumbstruck and fascinated as I do not understand why he does it. Sure, he has no other purpose and his body still functions on its own. No need for his will to interfere and maybe that’s the very case. He has no willpower left to end it, so he simply continues his existence.

I roll over and face him. His dreams are still haunted by nightmares. He relives the past, something very familiar to me. I just have to be there when he wakes up. For him to cling to. It is annoying but I do pity him. I am very helpless, whenever he weeps or cries out in his sleep. I can endure it without a second thought, but I cannot fathom it.

Sin and Nil rarely visit. Nil is trying to conceive a way, plotting and scheming I am sure of it. While Sin plays away somewhere else instead, for I am not in the mood to play along. I sigh silently, I can choose the life I want to live and still I am miserable. How can this be? Why do I do this to myself? Where am I headed with this mentality? A small shriek signifies another relief of a bad dream. His hand instantly reaches for me.

He is covered in cold sweat and still I embrace him like a little child that can’t sleep from nightmares. The chains of the past pull him down to reality as he cannot forget and less forgive himself to survive any longer. “Why can’t this be over already? I feel like I am going insane. It’s the only way to meet them once again but they are taken away from me mere moments later. So exhausting. What is this good for?”, he asks crying into my shoulder.

I think about it carefully before I answer: “I wouldn’t dare to try to find a higher sense in whatever happens. Life has nothing for itself in this way. Whatever has meaning to you is the only thing that matters. And once it is gone, you find something new.”

He pushes me back: “You don’t think that, do you? How can you be so cold?” I smile friendly. I am not hurt: “I don’t try to be mean or cold. I know loss and I know gain. Can’t escape either.” I guess I am telling myself, not him at all. But he will cope eventually, hopefully. I look at him pitifully. “How can anybody be like you?”, he asks depressed. “No one can, that's the very point”, I sigh.

He relaxes a bit, but he takes quite a while to settle down. He finally holds his breath as long as he can. Nanth exhales and lets go of me. "Thank you", he says and looks at me very tired. I nod and simply want to go back to sleep. But he can't. He gets up, dresses and leaves. I am always unsure if I should follow him but I finally fall asleep.

He wakes me up with breakfast. I don't get what he wants with me. He knows and cares about my favorite food and gets what we both like. I am just there. For him at least, he should have moved out by now, getting back to what is left of his life. He still has some relatives, has his work in/at terraforming, is young enough to start all over. He has so much perspective and instead grieves endlessly.

Nil: Do you pity him or yourself?

Sol: I don't see that much of a difference, to be perfectly honest.

Nil: Good, this could turn into progress.

“What makes you so moody this morning?”, he asks sheepishly. I chew with my head lightyears ahead of myself. I meet his eyes. “So?”, he won’t repeat his question, as I am well aware. Somehow he knows and I start: “I am actually worried about you. I don’t… I won’t pressure you into anything, but shouldn’t you like… start moving on? How much grieve is good for you?”

He exhales as expected and gets on his feet: “I don’t wanna be good. I don’t wanna leave. Here my memories may haunt me, but they don’t leave me. It is just so… still so very real. And yet as if it didn’t happen.” I nod half understanding. “And I won’t be able to leave anyway. You don’t care about stellar news, do you?”, he speaks calmly. I just shrug: “What do you mean?” “They still don’t know what caused this… and it frightens me.”

I wonder what might have. Did we cause this? It is far more than we have done until now. And most probably out of everything we ever will be able to. I listen to myself. No reaction from Nil or if they were here, Sin. Nanth snaps me out of it. “You alright? Had travel plans?”, he seems concerned. “Nope, no worries… just memories”, I reply as friendly as I can when taken out of my thoughts.

Sol: Why am I here?

Nil: Why are you not somewhere else? Why are you with Nanth instead of hunting with Sin? So many useless questions. Start asking the important ones.

Sol: Like?

Nil: Better start thinking.

Sol: What do you want me to do?

Nil: Better. Go on.

Sol: Does every set we go to have a deeper… meaning?

Nil: They aren’t picked completely random. They follow a cause.

Sol: You want me to see a bigger picture.

Nil: But you don’t, maybe you will… later.

“Must be pretty intense… you are in deep space right there”, he jokes unconvinced, looking for a reaction intently. I sigh: “You have no idea. I think you remind me of myself. I came here after I lost the last member of my family”, I try to recall the life of this set’s Anders. “One of your parents?”, Nanth tries to fill in the gap. “My bigger sister. She died here. She was stabbed in the back by some thug. Reasons unknown. This is her room. Was, I am sorry. Left nothing behind”, I retell the story very unmotivated.

“Why do you stay here?”, Nanth wants to know. “It is where it all ended. Was the only way to be near my past. Don’t know my parents… personally. But they died a long time ago, too.” “How did you… handle it?”, he seems unsure how to handle the question himself. “Her death or their deaths?”, I ask. He stutters: “Bo… both I guess.” “I don’t know what to handle, it depresses me the most, that I never got to know any of them. Maybe that is why I am so very cold. I am an in vitro child that was held back for… well a very long time. I am perhaps a bit jealous of you. You know, what you lost. My life simply went on without a difference”, I claim, but really I don't know.

Nanth shakes his head: “But you aren’t cold. You are very heartwarming. You are a good guy. You give me support and security in a way that was taken from me. Like I have my little brother back or my little sister.” He starts crying. He embraces me like I am fragile now. “Why are you crying?”, I whisper, unsure how to react. “I am crying in your place. I know you are unable, but I will do it for both of us”, he sobs and I am uncertain of his reasoning.

Sol: It is because we are so unemotional.

Nil: Good. Do you understand the balance that is needed to be attained?

Sol: It feels wrong. I shouldn’t exploit him like this.

Nil: Very right. It isn’t this way. You teach him some emotional distance and he teaches you some proximity.

Sol: You couldn’t teach me otherwise?

Nil: I am no teacher and I cannot teach you this way or this effective. You learn faster this way.

Sol: Are we done?

Nil: You only just started. Patience.

“Relax, breathe”, I try to calm Nanth down. He is indeed an emotional spacewreck. Pulled towards any gravity source.

Nil: Not just any… you specifically.

Sol: I hate you… sometimes.

Nil: Won’t change any facts. Open your eyes, Sol. Open them wide.