Sol: What do we seek to find in this set?
Nil: You… us… and timeless understanding of… our situation and how every you is intersettingly connected. We have an idea, but we need to prove this theory right or wrong.
Sin: Big words for: we want to know which versions of you are accessible to us. Nil wants to make sure he is right.
Nanth looks up to the sky window: “When I see more than just utter dark- and emptiness up there waiting to devour me, I know I will be ready to go back to my…” His voice falters. “Sounds fair. In the meantime we just try to live one day at a time”, I am at a loss of words and start talking nonsense. That’s what his looks do tell me too: “Emotional distress?” I nod: “Very much.”
Sin: Pathetic! You both need to get laid and see what connects you.
Nil: Is there nothing more in other persons you strife for?
Sin: Look at those two big lameos. It’s hideous! Can we please go on? Isn’t there a set, where we need to be stabbed or choked?
Nil: Enough of this. Leave if you wish to be useless.
“How can we solve this?”, he asks flirtingly. “Change of subject?”, I return to him, trying to block out the discussion between Nil and Sin. “I like you so vulnerable”, he admits sincerely. I swallow hard: “I don’t, to be perfectly honest. I’d prefer to run around naked instead.” “I won’t stop you from doing that”, he laughs and turns to head home. Just as the lights dim down and open up the view to the stars. We both watch the stars come to life. “It is breathtaking, isn’t it? Such beauty. Such marvel!”, he states. I simply agree.
The days pass slower at least for me. He catches me staring at him, but he is not concerned or worried. But I am. I seem to be the only one… well, besides Sin, who seems to be outraged for some reason. Nothing else changed though. We still cuddle, we still joke around.
There is this longing deep inside of me, behind my lungs that seems to be a heavy spot in my body. Weighing me down and slowing the speed of time. Whenever I start to think about it, Nanth just gives me a sly look. “Another distress call?”, he playfully places his arm around my shoulder and bends down his head to scan my face. He is so lighthearted and carefree, I can hardly fathom what is going on with him. “Why are you so grumpy all of a sudden?”, he sounds serious and concerned. “I don’t know, I just am”, I reply a bit moody.
Nil: You can already feel it?
Sol: Something is off… but on the other hand I am just used to terrible things that happen, whenever I let my guard down for more than a few fleeting moments. I guess that is what Sin is all about… he just wants to protect us… him…
Nil: Maybe even just you. He likes you dearly and wants your best… next to satisfying his own needs while doing so.
Nanth fondles my back: “Should talk about it, always helps me, you know?” I take a deep breath: “I am afraid to be happy. I am scared to lose… whatever this is. I have a desperate and severe feeling of dread.” He checks on me and looks around: “Like… a panic attack?” I shake my head no: “More like a darkness looming over me.” “You mean like a shadow?”, he corrects me. “A darkness. A deep, utterly consuming void”, I mutter. He is at a loss of words. Did we just switch sides?
“I know desperation all too well. Don’t give in and just stay with me. I am here with you like you were with me. Just don’t give in. It will take everything from you until you are empty and hollow. Defy it. For yourself”, he whispers so softly into my ear that I can hear his tears roll over his face. I can feel his warmth radiating.
Sin: Cut the crap and hold him like a man. Damn, this can’t be too hard for you, can it?
Sol: I try the best I can.
Sin: Try harder, little wuss. Man up now or you never will. There are no next chances. Next time will be something different… or not.
Sol: You make no damn sense.
Sin: Since when do I have to?
I hold him as tight as I can with shaking hands. “No worries, I won’t tell anyone”, he sobs. I have to stifle a laugh. “I never noticed how funny you are”, I try to compliment him. “You should start listening to me more often”, he advises. “Could help”, I admit.
We calm down in our own way. We take a deep breath together and stare at the stars. I can’t tell when I ever felt so lonely and so… save. The world and myself seem at a balance for once. Almost like I am able to make a step forward to understand, to realize something I wasn’t able to see. But my insight is not complete yet.
Sin: You cannot imagine where this step would lead you and maybe you never will.
Nil: Don’t worry, it is not necessary to thrive.
Sin: Yeah, right, don’t worry about power and influence on everything. Who wants to rule the galaxy these days anyway?
Sol: It is tempting but also very unreal.
Nil: We will see if the time ever comes.
Sin: Another interesting question is: why do you feel like this in his arms?
We separate. This already is somewhat unreal and disturbing to me. “You alright? You seem at a loss…”, he inquires.
I start smiling: “I am better already, just so much to take in. Was sure I would not fall for someone in a long time coming…” “Well, here I am. Sorry for crashing your plans”, he makes a small apologetic bow. At least that’s what I take it for.
Sin: Emotions are so very tiring. No wonder almost in all alt sets you try to avoid them.
Nil: Instead of dealing with them. Doesn’t seem to be very effective, to say the least.
Sol: Look who's talking. What the actual fuck? One is a pathologic sex addict and the other is a super ego. I don’t know how anybody could be anymore detached from reality. And even I am not very attached at all. I hang too much with you… entities.
Sin: He said titties, didn’t he?
Nil: You are most probably right.
Sin: I am?
Sol: I am?
Nil: Mostly Sol. And he said entities.
Sin: Now you’ve said it too!
Nil: I sympathize with you, Sol.
Sin: I don’t. You are not on my level… both of you!
“Headache?”, Nanth asks reluctantly. “Yep”, I don’t even have to lie about it. They really give me severe pain from time to time… and especially right now. “Let’s go home. It is a very nice day…”, Nanth states. I yawn. “Sleepy again?”, he wonders. “Eat, sleep, shit, repeat!”, I exclaim half-heartedly and blush. He laughs: “Now you are shy or what?” I shake my head: “No, I’m just worried, what you’ll deduct next from my behavior. Gotta step up my game.”
He sighs playfully and crosses his arms: “You better start, but I dare to say: Got none!” I sidestep away from him: “Better keep my distance, you’re rude, dude!” He laughs: “Only now did you find out? I am funny and I am rude. If this takes you so long, when will you find out about all my other qualities?” I shrug and start walking: “At this speed? Most probably never.”
He stays behind for a few seconds and then starts walking: “Well, fair enough… and pretty smooth talking. You are better already!” He’s taking his sweet time to catch up with me. It is strange how much I like him, yet I am somehow worried at the same time. A strange feeling is creeping up on me, can’t quite tell what this is.
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