Finally I am on my own and can focus on my memory. I sigh as silently as I might. But my stupid brain recalls the last night with the crew. First we went on to party and then I went on their ship to party on and take the invitation to stay for a free flight which I turned down. And then it got wild and I can’t tell what went down with whom. I don’t know if 3 men count for a gangbang, but nobody of them cares and so I won’t either. I clap my cheeks to stay on my own assignment and not my amusement. Can get laid anytime around here, good to know.
Still no Sin or Nil around. I am starting to get worried. Am I going to end here again? What happened to me that I came back here? I bury my face into my hands and the blanket. Then I start to control my breathing.
I was out with Nanth. Right. Joking around and then we met someone. My first impression was a jealous ex of his. But it wasn’t. It was more sinister, more threatening. He… stabbed him. He murdered him. I was just shocked. I watched that guy in horror. I was trying to ask Nil and Sin for advice but they weren’t around.
So I just stood there. Then he said something: “That was too easy. It wasn’t him. Maybe his friend? I will kill everyone on this forgotten station if I have to.” He wasn’t speaking to me at all. Was he speaking to Sin and Nil maybe? My vision is blocked by tears as his bloody blade appears in front of my face pointing at my nose. “You know them, don’t you?”, he asks.
I wipe my tears carefully as I ask: “What do you want? Why did you strike him down? You killed him.” But this guy is pretty cold: “Not the last one, unfortunately. He shouldn’t have lied to me. He got a warning, you know? No one betrays me and gets away with it.” He smiles demonically. “What do you want?”, I shout.
But he is preoccupied and seems to hold an inner monologue. Sick bastard. My eyes fill up again and I start crying and sobbing again. I am pretty sure I am done for. I wouldn’t leave no witnesses behind but the next time I look up to face him, he is gone. So I just sit there, bend over Nanth and cry my doomed heart out. And then… I wake up next to Junior holding me tightly.
I try to keep the tears in but I sob nonetheless. I don’t want to wake up anyone but I cannot be so lonely right now. I take two bottles and go to nav. “Hey lil’one. Hoped you would keep me some company”, Pops says happily and turns around, “what’s the matter, rainy face? Come here. Sit with me." I follow his words and sit on his armrest. He puts his arm around my waist: “Bad dreams? Afraid of the endless dark outside?” I rest my head on his shoulder and just cry again. “It’s alright. Let it out lil buddy”, he is talking very calmingly.
Before I know what I am doing, I hold on to him tightly and let go of my restraint. He holds and pats me and tries to maneuver.
I don’t know how long I pressed my face into his shoulder but as I raise my head, he smiles warmly at me: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. Some shit goin on, eh?” I nod silently and deliberately, still covered in the blanket. “Can’t sleep?”, he keeps asking. I shake my head. I stare at the black screen in front of us and my mind drifts off. Why am I so shaken by Nanth’s death? I would have thought to be much colder by now. But somehow I deeply fell for him. I’m so stupid. I can’t have anything normal people can have. I just gather all the drama instead of avoiding it.
“Don’t want to talk about it?”, he carefully squeezes me. “No”, I bring out tormented. “Thanks for the water”, he starts smalltalk. “You’re welcome”, I’m getting hoarse. “I can show you where we are going”, Pops begins to explain but I cannot follow. I am too confused and too upset to think straight. I try to remember his face but my vision was too foggy. I was too agitated.
I don’t know what happened next or who carried me back into the common area. But as I wake up I am covered in my blanket and have a small pillow under my head. It is silent and still dimmed. My hands are clawed around a water bottle. I remember why I cried and I start all over. Next time I get to my senses Junior is bending over me. I narrow my eyes.
“You alright, lil’one? You look like you cried all night”, he seems worried. I am still hoarse: “I am no morning person. P off!” He laughs suppressedly and carefully pats my head. After he goes into the machine room, I jump to my feet and run into Pops who comes fresh from the shower. “Lil’one, get in but out of my way!”, he forgot to bring a towel and so did I. I realize after the shower. But Pops got me covered: “Here you go. Feel better?” I nod.
My eyes are quite red as the mirror showed me. “I won’t tell anybody, but no one here will think less of you if they knew. I gotta sleep now. Have to find back into the rhythm”, he gets into the bottom bunk bed. I get down to him and hug him good night. “You are so sweet”, he admits and blushes. “Sleep tight”, I whisper and get to work. Or to something more to wear.
I decide for just some trunks and my suit but as open as I can, for it is still quite hot. Junior and Cap get their first meal after an hour. I clean the common area some more. I hate cleaning but it keeps me and my mind busy.
How did I come back here? I was alone, wasn’t I? I was lost and in panic. I returned here myself. All it took was a loved one to die. I sniffle and am startled by Junior who hugs me from behind: “You alright?” “Yeah, just dust and all. You surprised me too”, I lie. He cuddles and lets go of me: “I hope this engine is repaired or else I am done for.” “Keep it down, please, Pops trying to sleep”, I say calmly.
“Oh, sorry”, he giggles, “wanted to make some noise with you later… if you feel like it. Don’t worry, the others could join in, if you are ok. Last time you were pretty drunk…” He reddens. I smile: “You liked it.” “Did you?”, he asks staring at the floor and adds evasively: “Pretty smooth. Didn’t know this was just dirt.”
Might be one of the better ways to keep me away from crying and worrying. I can worry later: “Very much. Nothing to be ashamed of though. You liked it, that’s fine. Only do what you like. Sharing is caring.” He starts to burst out laughing and tries to cover his mouth.
He muffles: “You didn’t just say that. You’re such a…” I shake my head: “Just a free spirit and a bit generous… maybe. I like to think of myself as picky. You three just happen to be all I like.” Funny thing is I am less picky the less I find myself to be appealing… and more open to others when I fear to face feeling left out. I don’t know if I could have done better but I am sure I could have chosen worse.
“Should I… invite the others… or do you?”, Junior asks, insecure about the protocol. I smile: “We can… I think they will join in when we start. If that doesn’t feel strange for you.” I can feel his arousal. “You have no idea”, he whispers and then leaves to get himself ready.
I take care of Cap, who is very happy to see me: “Lil’one, I thought you’d never show up.” I smile. “I was thinkin about makin tonight somethin special… get the guys, have some booze… well not me but Pops… maybe he will share”, he seems to already have a plan. I look at him: “Really? While on flight?”
He shakes his head: “I found a ship. A big automated… well almost automated freighter. Synth crew. They will need some cargo carriers at the port we are headed to, so Pops and I will do some extra work. I changed to an interception course and we will meet them in less than three hours. What do you say?” I smile wider: “I say game, Cap.”
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