I sat there in silence, the tips of my fingers pressed up the canvas fabric of the couch as I kept track of the rhythmic ticking of the clock. Tick, tok... Tick, tok... I look around at the empty office - dark wooden floors matched with the wainscoting on the wall, the rest of the wall painted with a dark red paint... Rosewood? Or maybe or maybe Barn red. Coffee table with my papers and a box of tissues, another couch sat in front of me as I waited. My eye catches a mirror that sat next to the window in the far corner, my reflection looking back at me. Olive tan skin, dark messy hair that only went up to my neck, dark circles under my left eye and bandages and white gauze bandage covered my right. Clothing wasn't that special, oversized jumper where the sleeves reached my fingertips if I stood up straight, oversized jeans and my white sneakers that I made an effort to keep spotless.
"Sorry for the wait, Cessair." A woman's voice chimed as she entered the room, the reflection of the mirror showing me who came into the room. "Now, shall we continue where we left off before break?" the voice asked, walking over to sit on the couch in front of me. I looked at the person in front of me, her name was Lilith - dark wavy hair, tan skin, wore all casual attire; Hoodie, sweatpants and boots that went up to the ankle. She's been my therapist since the start of summer since I changed therapist from the asshole I had been seeing for the past year. Bless Mrs. Silverwood for help.
"What's that?" My voice was still as monotone as ever, noticing that she had a notebook. I focused back onto her face, her expression contorting yet I couldn't figure out what exactly she was expressing to me. All I could read was a the basic smile that was on her lips. She placed the notebook on the table and pushed it over, it was one of those bullet journals from the art store, fox orange faux leather, built-in book markers and a piece of elastic to keep it closed.
"It's something I want you to do over this year." Raven began, getting me to look up at her. "I want you to write down whatever comes to mind... Recalling a memory you have, something you did that day, events that will happen in the future. Anything that you want to get down on paper, this journal will be there to help you get it out."
I picked up the journal, feeling the smooth leather covering of the journal, "I'll give it a shot." I muttered, putting down the journal beside me on the couch.
"Great, you can show it to me during these weekly sessions. Although it's not mandatory to show it to me, it will help me address your Alexithymia." Raven said, the topic of my condition made me have a lump in my throat. I hated talking about my Alexithymia. I hate that I can't feel or express emotions or feelings. I hate that I can't understand how others feel, that the facial expression they make makes no sense to me on a deeper level, it was always on the surface for me.
"On the topic of your Alexithymia, I would like to ask you something." She started, "Do you remember the last time you felt any basic emotions? Like happiness, the last time you were happy?"
The question felt like a stab in the gut, 'how the fuck am I supposed to answer that?' I thought, slouching back on the couch as I tried to identify any emotion from any memories. Nothing. I had nothing, I couldn't even identify how I feel now if I wanted to. I responded with a shrug, watching my therapist look through her notes on me from past sessions she took.
"You're going into your junior year of highschool, isn't that fun?" she brought up. I let out a sigh, 'God, please no. Please don't remind me about school. I haven't even done mt back to school shopping' I thought, shrugging again in response.
Raven chuckled, "okay, okay... Don't want to talk about school, I get it. I was a teen too at one point."
"What about the time your current family was able to finally adopt you?"
I tried to remember the moment. I was two-year-old, I hadn't even gained consciousness and self-awareness at that point. I shrugged again in response, watching Raven jot down notes on the clip board.
"How about one of the memories with your adoptive brother, Charlie?" She asked, peaking my attention with the topic of my older brother.
I sat there in silence, thinking back at all the times with my brother. "I... remember how he would come home from highschool and his jobs with freshly baked ensaymada and yakult... or if he's working late at a food place, he would come home from the restaurant he was working a shift for at the time..."
"And how does that make you feel? When your brother made sure you were fed when your parents were working at night?"
"I..." sitting there in silence, I didn't know what to say. I could feel something in my gut recalling the things Charlie did for me in my chest and gut but I couldn't identify it. "...I don't know..."
Raven nodded and wrote down on the clipboard, "You said it's been one year since you've been on hormonal therapy, yeah?"
"That's correct." I responded.
"How does it feel finally taking steps on your journey?"
"I've been on testosterone for a year now and..." I felt a lump in my throat form, "and I'm planning to get off it near the two year mark."
"Why's that? Aren't you happy to finally be comfortable in your own skin?"
"I'm satisfied with all the changes... my voice is deeper at least... haven't had any body hair changes, still pretty hairless... I just don't want a lot of the stuff T has to offer. Like... the aging T can taking on ones body is drastic and I don't want to look like I'm a 30 year old when I'm only 18... then there's the bad acne I get, the thing with the hairline is slowly starting and I'm just satisfied with the changes I have now. My doctor is giving me smaller doses now to wean me off it" I watched Raven take notes as I rambled about getting off my hormonal therapy, not really understanding why she's asking me all this. My attention turned to the door as someone knocked on the other side and opened the door, the hinges squeaking slightly as the receptionist of the office poked his head in.
"Raven, your next appointment is here." He said, Raven nodding understandingly in response.
"It was nice talking with you again Cessair... I've learn a lot over the summer." Raven said with a smile as she straightened her papers and grabbed my file off the coffee table. "And I hope to get to know you more with your journaling and over our future sessions."
I nodded bluntly and picked up the journal gifted to me as I got up. "I have to write in this everyday?", earning a chuckle from Raven once more.
"Only if you want to. It can be two times a week, once a month. Maybe a prompt you can aim for is to recall some memories or things that are happening then write about how it make you feel. But you don't have to, whatever makes you happy. " She said, the last word giving me that stab again.
I just nodded and opened the door, leaving the room and walking down the hall of the office, passing the next appointment on my exit. 'Would be nice to know what that word meant in the first place... happy...' I pushed open the exit door, the hot summer sun hitting me as the heat built up in my heavy clothing. I walked to the familiar pick up truck my brother passed down to me once I got those job in the outskirts, opened the driver's seat and got in. I started it up, cold air from the car's vents hitting and relieving me from the heat I felt. I looked down at the journal that sat in my lap, picking it up and looking at its spine and the back. All of it was wrapped in orange faux leather, blank. No logos, pressed in contact with the company. I slipped off the elastic holding it closed and flipped through the pages - just more blank white pieces of paper with a dot grid on each page. I closed it up and put it on the passenger seat beside me, buckling up before pulling out of the parking lot and into the streets of the small, sleepy town of RedWoods. 'If this is gonna be my journal, you gotta have some fucking weird and questionable sticker choices.'
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