Cold air pressed against my face, waking me from my unconscious state. I look around the area to realise I'm in the back of Toby's Jeep, lying in the trunk. The back seats were down to make the area I was laying on bigger. The trunk door swung open, making me react with a jump.
"Oop! Sorry, Cessair." Toby said with an apologetic smile, holding two slushies from the ice cream truck, getting into the trunk of the jeep with me, closing the hatch behind him.
"You know that I lost the 5 games of Crazy 8s we had earlier... right?" I mumbled weakly, Toby putting down the drinks beside me and helping me sit up.
"That doesn't matter now. What matters is that you passed the fuck out." Toby said, his normal cheerful tone gone and now serious. "Why didn't you tell me you were having heat exhaustion?"
"...I was drinking water...?"
Toby sighed, pressing the palm of his hand against my forehead, feeling my temperature, "Yeah, but that shit can still fucking happen. Even if you were drinking. I thought you fucking died."
"...Sorry..." I looked down in shame, rubbing my forearms.
"Please Cessair... change into the spare clothes I bought, I don't want this happening to you again." Toby sighed, handing me the slushie.
"I'm fine... really." I muttered, taking a sip from the ice cold drink.
"Come on Cessair, pretty sure no one cares what your limbs look like."
"Toby, I'm fine. And I'm pretty sure a lot of people have a lot of shit to say about the way my limbs look." I tugged down my sleeve, Toby grabbing my arm.
"Well just roll up your sleeves for a bit, who cares about your arms?" Toby snapped, starting to push up my jumper sleeve, gripping onto my small wrist.
"Fucking stop it! You're hurting me!" I struggled to push off Toby's firm grasp, flailing my arms as if I was a child having a tantrum. I was able to get free of his tight hold and scooted away, breathing shakily.
"God, Cessair. What is your-" Toby's voice trailed, noticing he was looking down at something from the corner of my eye, following his gaze only to realise the worse of the worse could happen. Out of all shitty things to happen to me, this had to top it. I tugged the leave back down, avoiding Toby entirely. I heard him clear the throat before pulling the back window down slightly to give us a bit more privacy. I could feel the tension in the air, I didn't want to hear what Toby had to say. I wish that could just disappear from this situation, this is so awkward I'd rather just die here and now than hear what he's going to say to me.
"Cessair..." Toby's tone was soothing again and much closer to me than before, I looked in his direction only to realise he was basically cornering me in his Jeep, about to get on top of me or something. "It's okay... Not gonna like... judge you or something if that's what you're expecting me to do..."
I felt his hand brush up against mine, trailing up and latching onto the cuff of my jumper.
"Can... Can I see...? I won't judge, promise."
Without any hesitation, I gave him a slight nod. Toby nodded in response, rolling up the sleeve he was holding to with care up to my elbow as if I was made of porcelain and would break at any harsh movement, staring at the scars and cigarette burns that stained my once soft skin.
"Who's doing this to you? Parents? Brother?" Toby asked, taking my exposed arm delicately as his dark orbs stared at the markings.
"No... My family would never..." I said, watching him carefully trace his fingers over the markings, both old and new. "It's self-inflicted..."
"Even the cigarette burns? I didn't know you smoked." Toby questioned, touching one of the more recent burns.
"No, I don't smoke... the burn marks are from my employer... Well, the son of the person who hired me does it." It felt weird admitting all this to someone. Not even my brother knows about the burn marks on my arms, nor my therapist or the doctors I visit. Toby is the first one to hear all this... Why am I telling him my life story? Why does he care? Why do I keep answering?
"What?" Toby said with a slight hiss in his tone, looking straight at me, "What business in town is it? I'm assuming it's a local shop that hired you since you said it was the son of your boss putting out his cigarettes on you." I hesitated to respond, watching Toby's eyes dart back and forth as if he was trying to read whatever facial expression I had.
"Cessair. Tell me. I want to know the asshole who's been doing this to you."
"Well..." I trailed in my thoughts, trying to find the words. I've never seen Toby like this... all I know from the tone he's using and how his eyebrows were furrowed, he isn't being his usual self in this situation. "...It's not someone in town. It's one of the wealthy families on the outskirts that did this."
I watched Toby's jaw clenched and avert his eyes to the side in some kind of rage at the fact I worked for the people on the outskirts of town, more often than not... people in the town and the wealthy that lived on their own plot of land didn't see each other eye to eye which is something you would hear in the dark ages. Well, the townspeople don't care for the wealthy, but on the other hand? Those families in their big houses on the outskirts stick their noses up at people of the lower class, especially their workers. "Toby?" I called out, trying to get his attention back from his thoughts.
"Why the fuck are you working for those Outsiders in the first place? They don't need any more help to live comfortably." Toby scoffed, his eyes filled with what I can only imagine hatred looked like in someone.
"I'm just an errand boy for some household, Tobs... it's no big deal-"
"It's a pretty big fucking deal to me, Cessair!" Toby snapped back, "What family?"
I hesitated once more to tell him. All I could think about is the guy who's been doing this. The son of the household would keep me for longer when I've already done what the family needed to do, blowing smoke into my face as he held me by the wrist to stay put. Once he was done, he'd rolled up my sleeve and pressed lit nicotine ash against my forearms or wherever he wanted to. He preferably chose to press the end of the cigarette on new cuts I made the day prior, removing the bandages I put and sticking right on top of it and watching me whimper, unable to scream or cry. But when he can't find any new wounds, he would go for the next best thing for his amusement - untouched skin and old burns. The sadistic smile of what can only be glee as he watched me struggle as he pressed the cigarette harder to leave a mark and how he told me to not tell a single person what he's doing or else he'd do something worse was enough to keep my mouth shut, especially now.
"Cessair!" Toby's voice raised, pulling me out of the rabbit hole I fell into. "Tell me now what family of Outsiders is doing this to you. Are they threatening you? Why are they letting their kid get away with this shit?"
"Because they let him do whatever, do you really think these employers care if I'm safe?" I spoke up, letting out a sigh. "The family is the Dandridge estate. Familiar?"
"Those people who just own a wine brewery and those overpriced steakhouses." Toby groaned, rolling his eyes before continuing to look at my arm, letting go and taking the other one and rolling up the sleeve to my elbow - examining the scarring and burns on the other, comparing the two. "Fuck them. They're notorious for being that kind of wealthy people. Thinking they're on top of the food chain just causes the amount of zeros they get daily from sales and stocks. And their son? Remington, correct?"
I nodded in response, Toby responding with a scoff with a smirk.
"Who the fuck names their kid that? Never let someone named after a rat in a film do this shit to you... Just quit, aren't you working for the other families as well who don't treat you like absolute trash?" Toby said with a soft chuckle.
"Yeah... I do, but I just can't drop a job because of the working conditions. Living solo is very time consuming money wise. Although Charlie is the one paying the bills in the house, I still need to contribute and pitch in where I can. Not to mention grocery shopping with a weekly meal binder doesn't help." I muttered under my breath, Toby letting out a huff.
"That doesn't mean you have to put up with Remington and his family's shit, especially if he's doing this for no reason and letting that rat get away with it... please say that this isn't for his sick pleasure, burning you..." Toby's tone softened, looking up at me with tear-glazed eyes as if he's going to cry. "And please don't tell me that he burns your face too..." his eyes focusing on the wrapped gauze that has always covered the right side of my face since the incident when I was younger.
"It was an incident when we were younger, a near death experience but... I survived therefore, no big deal."
"Is it bad?" Toby asked, brushing my messy locks away from my face to get a look at it. "If it's okay with you... Can I see it?"
I was taken back from his words. First my arms now he wants to see what's under my bandages? I'm surprised that he isn't grossed out at the fact I self-harm. People always look down at me when they see the cuts. They care less about the burns, at least I'm not doing it to myself like the cutting to "get attention" in their opinion.
"Cessair? You don't have to show me it if you don't want to. I never want to pressure you to do anything if you don't feel comfortable doing it." Toby spoke, his voice bringing me out of my thoughts.
I shook my head, taking my hands away from his and reaching to the back of my head, unhooking the bandage clip holding it in place, "It's fine, Toby... besides, we're this far in, why not go all the way... but I'm not taking of my pants, that's where I draw the line." I slowly unravel the gauze, letting it drape on my shoulders, blinking a couple times to let my covered eye adjust to the light.
"Woah, it looks kinda cool if I'm being honest." Toby said softly, leaning in close to get a good look at what remains of the scar. "It's a burn scar, right? Cuz I see that a bit of your eyebrow here is cut off from healing, looks like a seal pup's eyebrow dot."
"Yeah, third-degree burn. Got it when I was six. Story's kinda long though." I rambled, my eyes meeting Toby's.
"Your right eye... can you still see with it still? What does it look like? I've heard of cases where some go completely blind with an injury like this." Toby awed, staring at the burn mark from every angle like a child looking at a dinosaur fossil.
"I can... it's kinda like it's slightly out of focus, like right now. The edge around you looks slightly blurred..." I explained, Toby smiling a bit as I spoke while he continued to look at my arms. "Just can't drive at night for my own and others' safety 'cause of my sight issues. So, we can't alternate on the way back."
"That's okay, I don't mind driving full time back." Toby beamed at me, our eyes meeting once more. I couldn't tell what Toby was thinking in the slightest, watching his eyes dart back and forth, as if he was waiting for me to do something. But out of nowhere, I was pulled into his arms, Toby wrapped his arms around me and just held me close against his body. "Thank you for trusting me to show me all this..." he softly said, rubbing my back in a comforting way. "Now I understand why you're always wearing these baggy long sleeved clothes... but please, get changed into the spare clothes I bought for myself. I don't want to see you pass out like that again." He lets go of me and reaches in front, grabbing a first aid kit and unzipping it. "I got some more gauze so you can cover up your arms, if you like. It's at least thinner and breathable compared to your jumper."
I sat there in a daze. I've always expected people to be dismissive and harsh towards me if they even saw a glimpse of what lies under my sleeves. But Toby broke the cycle of my expectations. I watched him take out some folded clothes from his hiking back and put it aside, grabbing one of the slushies that were just watery syrup with a bit of ice from sitting in direct sunlight.
"Let's finish whatever is left of these and I'll leave you to change. After we can finish the hike, come back here and play a couple rounds of chess again... Then on the way home we can stop by that new restaurant in town. My treat." Toby said with a smile, I picked up the remaining slushie, taking a sip of it.
"I'll drink to that suggestion..."
We drank in silence till I noticed Toby looking at my arm again.
"Cee?"
"Yeah?"
"That really thick scar mark on your wrist... is that what I think it is?" I looked down at what Toby was talking about, the cut mark right at my wrist. I nodded slowly in response, watching Toby's reaction soften.
"Was it recent?"
"No... A couple years ago, I attempted it when I was like... nine."
"Would you consider attempting again...?"
"I... I don't know..."
"Please don't... Cessair, I like being around you... Not to sound selfish or anything but I'd have survivor's guilt in a way... Like I could have helped you or just been a better friend if you ever decided that you just want to leave..." Toby's voice trembled, him taking a long sip from his drink, avoiding eye contact with me for a bit.
A lump in my throat formed, hearing Toby's voice crack as if he would start sobbing. He was being genuine with me... Even if we've only known each other for a week, he meant every word.
"So please Cessair... if you have thoughts of just leaving... Please, reach out to me. It doesn't matter what time it is or weather conditions, I will come to save you."
"I will... Promise." Those words came out softly yet it felt as if I wasn't holding them back like I have always done with people. I've said those words so many times yet... These words were real. I trusted Toby. I believed every word Toby spoke.
---
...Today I was vulnerable to my only friend on our hike together. He destroyed my ass in chess but also broke the cycle of people who judge me for just suffering... It was weird, but a good kind of weird... I think it brought Toby and I closer, I hope he thinks the same... When we were waiting for our food at the restaurant, he doodled on my scars and burns on my arms. He was so careful not to accidentally hurt me by sticking the sharpie into a wound... drawing hearts, stars and little faces around and over them as we waited... It was nice... I took pictures to remember them... maybe I might get them tattooed on me when I'm older. Maybe I can talk to Toby about getting matching tattoos. It was the first time in my life, I was alive... That there was someone actually there who cared for me and my existence. I wasn't hated. Thank you Toby.[Journal entry - 09/11/2021]
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