Ian shoos him away: “You’re such a klutz. He just got dumped, of course he is not ok.” He tries to hug me again, but this time I don’t want to. “What do you need?”, Ian asks and looks for Rufus who is making eye-contact: “We have fresh pancakes for everyone who keeps them inside.” The guys cheer. Leopold returns and cheers: “What are we cheering for?” He sits next to Rufus’ boyfriend, Cornelius. “Damn those muscles… are you training?”, Cornelius asks, impressed. Laughter, but Leopold answers gladly: “Just a bit. Most is diet. No booze, lots of protein.”
This morning at least everyone sticks to water. Ian keeps bugging me to drink. Until Leopold takes over and forces a bottle to my mouth and gently keeps raising: “Last night you did it with beer. Water should be no problem.” And I simply ex the bottle. “You discuss too much, Ian”, Leopold returns the empty bottle to him and Ian shakes his head. “What’s up with you? You never been down this long”, Leopold radiates pure heat. I wish he’d get dressed.
Somebody puts on music to tune out the eating noises of 8 young men. Only one is trained to chew with his mouth closed. Not even his boyfriend really keeps his mouth shut. Disgusting. Leopold puts on his clothes. He grabs some pancakes and we are out on the balcony. He rolls one pancake and starts eating: “Take one or start talkin.” I quickly start eating.
“We’ve known each other since preschool. Lately you… seem really distant. I mean, I understand really nothing about you, Anders. The piercings, the tattoos, the humor. But still you feel like my brother. Lately a lost brother maybe. You never judged me and I hope I am not too harsh, but what the actual fuck is goin on? Could you tell me, please? I am unsure if I should worry or just leave you be”, he lets this sink in.
Sin: What he said. What is wrong?
Sol: What a question. Nanth is dead.
Sin: They all die. Sooner or later. And there are lots of other Nanths. Endless. He got yourself attached to him, I can relate to that, but everything you get, is for a limited time only. Let go.
“I can’t believe it ended like it did. I am just surprised and… at a loss here. I don’t want pity or sympathy… I want to be sad for once and not just find the next one. I don’t want to be the superficial fuckboy anymore. I don’t want this emptiness, but…”, I sigh. He nods and smiles: “I’ll be at your side, if you need me. I feel like you need to let that frustration out. We can do something like… what might help you?” I smile back: “I want to travel, get out of town for a bit.”
Sin: I see. Nil was right, this seems to help a little.
Leopold sighs relieved: “I feared you would do more body modifications. I almost fainted at the D thing… had a nightmare.” He has told more than he wanted and looks the other way. I mirror him.
Sol: How long do we stay here?
Sin: Since it seems to help you process everything we might stay some time.
“Thought about snake bites”, I say looking away from him. He grabs my shoulders and I grab his. “Was on the lower lips, right?” I think about the question: “Yep. But I am unsure about it.” “Then don’t. All your piercings look really good on you”, Leopold keeps looking away, “so if you are unsure, I wouldn’t do it.” Anders had all the other piercings without hesitation and they all do kind of fit him. I’d say he could rock snake bites too, but doesn’t need them.
Sin: Distance from self is a way of coping. Go on.
Sol: Where did you and Nil go? Why did I face that… maniac alone? Who is that psychopath?
Sin: An old acquaintance of Nil and myself. He… was promising at that time. More promising than you were, when we found you. He is determined, focused and single-minded.
Nil: But he is also reckless, ruthless and egoistic. No regard for anyone’s life, not even his own. I wonder how he did find us.
Sin: I am more worried about his ability to cross the edge. It should be impossible for material beings.
Nil: It is supposed to be impossible for immaterial beings as well. Look at us, we have found our own ways, even Sol has started to yield this force.
Sol: WHY weren’t you there? None of you?
Nil: We had to check if it was up to us.
Sin: And as far as your memory covers, he didn’t know it was you.
Sol: Why?
Nil: He might not value life, but he is not as cold blooded as he seems to be. He thought he took out one of your alts out of the equation, because he couldn’t feel our presence.
Sol: Your presence can be felt by others? Do they hear your whispers, too?
Sin: Learn.
Leopold trembles: “Is it getting colder? Should I get us more pancakes and something to drink?” I nod. He opens the door and all the guys are as lifely and awake as yesterday when we were out partying. My headache keeps blocking more than a few glimpses.
Sol: You made him shiver?
Sin: The darkness is cold and ominous, it is the next step after seeing in darkness. After remembering everything, you need to make others remember everything. That is kind of disturbing for most.
Sol: It somehow is very disturbing.
Sin: Humanity is one of the lost children of the dark.
Nil: Very dramatic. Laen never feared you. He was fascinated and tried to understand you.
Sin: One of a kind… maybe there are just two of this kind after all.
Sol: Laen’s his name? Are all his alts that… vicious?
Nil: Actually just one version of him is problematic… but that version is very dominant…
Sin: …and hard to lose…
Nil: The real problem with him is he wants to become a singularity.
Sol: What is that?
Sin: An instance like your… little boy toy alt. A singular being with no variations. One of a kind, very rare.
Sol: Is that actually possible to achieve?
Nil: Very unlikely but then again Laen is very eager to shape his reality.
Sol: So… you have to stop him?
Nil: He won’t listen to us.
Sol: If you are not going to stop him, why was he there?
Sin: That’s a very good question!
Nil: Irrelevant. We have to keep moving. We won’t stay longer than a week. Sin and I will irregularly leave and return so he won’t be able to find us again.
And with that Leopold returns and hands me food. “Rufus is worried about you”, he states and starts to fill his mouth. He minds his manners for me. “He told you not to tell me, didn’t he?”, I ask. He thinks about it: “Don’t know. He is always worried. About his relationship with Cornelius… about his… performance… about his feelings and about his reputation with the boys. He likes to worry. Remember when we were younger? He was never worried. We did everything together… literally.” I smile as I think back and hand him a rolled pancake. Rufus opens the door and places something to drink behind the sill. He smiles thin and closes the door again.
“These pancakes are the best. I love Rufus’ cooking”, I admit. “Where would you like to go?”, Leopold asks and keeps going, “just you and me… or do we take the boys? The inner circle like… Rufus and Ian?” I give him his drink and take a sip of mine. “I don’t know. I feel like the sooner the better. Would they even want to come along?”, I wonder. “Want? They crave for a chance to be together again. Have you seen how Rufus and Ian try to behave? They quit their bickering just for you”, Leopold states.
I sigh: “You know it’s quite the burden to be the center of the fucking universe.” Leopold toasts to that: “You love being the center of attention.” “I wouldn’t mind losing this mindset”, I reply. Leopold shakes his head: “Loss is nothing. That’s why we can’t handle it.” He means why I can’t handle it. He seems to know not only his Anders but me as well. Turns out I am not the center of… anything.
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