‘What… wait, how much sugar and butter?… fuck, why is this recipe's measurements in grams… nearly failed math and I’m Canadian… God, I need the cups… I’m too dumb for grams.’ my thoughts raced as I elbowed the up button to scroll on my laptop, not wanting to wash my hands one more time. I hate having these dumb early morning cravings. I just wanted Spanish Bread. I’ve already reheated the damn bread at least five times while I struggled to make this spread only because I had a sudden memory blast of my older brother always making Spanish bread with homemade ube spread for breakfast when it was just me and him in the house. I finally got everything I needed, measured and laid out on the counter. I followed the first step, heating up the thawed ube in the pot, stirring and mashing it occasionally with the wooden spoon as my thoughts wandered.
---
I still remember how much Charlie was there for me when I was younger. He always told me that he always wanted a little brother and was so happy to find me in that park on that winter night. How he practically begged our parents to take me in, pretty sure they took me in because I was just a couple hours old and was on the verge of freezing to death if Charlie didn’t take me home on the way back from his friend’s place. Eventually my now family took me in and Charlie swore on his life that he’ll take the bestest care of me (his words, not mine.)
...He was always there when our parents worked long hours at the nursing home here. Even when Charlie started working at the age of 16. I remember once he got his G driving license and repairing that old pickup with our uncle, he was working multiple jobs. From delivery, busing tables in diners and restaurants, tutoring… hell, there were some really odd jobs I remember him taking. There was a job at the Scoop Scouts ice cream shop as an ice cream scooper, that movie rental shop that shut down and became that record and antique shop I work at now, and a pizza shop as a delivery boy and cook (only when he got off work tho… he made good pizzas for the two of us.)
Heh, he’s dropped the majority of the jobs he had before he went off to college. He really only has one job right now, it's the job I’m filling in for him - working for the people in the outskirts. It’s mostly groceries but sometimes there’s requests we need to fulfil like the Wright estate - we need to pick up lumber orders for their instrument building business. Oh, and how can I forget the Moro-Everest estate? I get to walk the family Shiba… love that little man. Anyway, I fill in for the errand boy for my brother now so he can focus on his studies, it was kind of Mrs. Silverwood to help pay with Charlie’s education…
Ya know… Cessair isn’t my actual name. Charlie always called it a ‘Chosen name’... sound weirdly magical. I still remember him helping me to choose it. He said my name now meant sorrow or affliction… Oh, the irony. Still remember him realizing it was a girl name and how guilty he felt since it may make me uncomfortable with the name’s gender. Well, Charlie is a girl's name too. I never gave you shit about it. Any name can be for any gender if people just stop say this name is for boys and this name is for girls. So. Even Steven, Char-bear. Even. Steven.
But with all that aside. He has done a lot for me when I was growing up. He was the main caretaker for me. He signed my permission forms, would take me on the school trips if he had a day off that day, helped me with homework and daily reading… and all the snacks he brought me too.
The amount of times he came back from the errand boy job from the outskirts of town with bags of fresh Ensaimada and cold packs of Yakult for us. If I had a dollar for every time Char-Char came home from work with baked goods from the local pinoy bakery and some kind of flavour of yakult - I’d be so rich.
We would eat and Charlie would gossip with me about what’s happening in school. Especially highschool. Him and I were one in the same - the outcast of the pack. We really only had each other besides our parents. It was always him and me against the world. Maybe that’s why we were so close to each other. We understood each other. We could talk about anything for hours on end, one time we stayed up till the sun rose talking about horror films we watched and growing out bucket lists of films we wanted to watch. There were even times that we would lay in the same bunk, Charlie would hold me close as ever as we listened to his punk emo bands’ CDs from his old laptop that had been since given away to one of our relatives in the Philippines. We would just lay down with each other, saying nothing at all but somehow it felt like we talked all night.
I need to find a way to thank him for all that
---
Knock! Knock! Knock!
I look up from my journal as I wrote in my bunk, “Come in?” I called out to the person on the other side of the door. Welp. This is where I have my dumb ‘final girl’ horror movie moment. The door creaked open and the familiar blond haired guy with streaks of black hair poked his head into the room.
“Kyua!” I exclaimed, my voice still monotone as I got up quickly and hugged my brother. “You didn’t tell me you were visiting. Would have cleaned up the room.”
“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me ‘Kyua’? It’s not like Ma and Pa are here to scold you for not being respectful to your older bro. This is our house, we make the rules.” Charlie chuckled, patting my head, making me look up.
I look up at Charlie, taking in all his features as if I’ll never see him again. His heterochromia that made one eye a brighter colour than the other, the faded freckles on the bridge of his hooked nose, his messy hair that looked like his heterochromia - some dark chunks of dyed back hair, some bleach blond chunks. I look down to look at his clothing and sighs, “Are you fucking serious? Not the MILF shirt…”
“What? MILF. Man I Love Fishing. It’s about fishing. There’s even a fish getting fished out from the water. Definitely no other words that can spell out MILF. Besides, I love this shirt you got me.” Charlie chuckled as I let go of him, letting him go to sit on the bottom bunk. “I noticed that you made ube spread too” he chuckled, gesturing to the plate of Spanish bread crumbs and smudging of the purple yam.
“I just had cravings is all…” I grumbled, joining him on my bunk, hugging him, Charlie rubbing my back.
“You know… I stopped by that bakery and picked up some goods. And I’d love to try that ube spread you made today.”
I just sighed, “Want me to make some coffee for us? Catch up…?”
“Of course.”
---
“...So how’s therapy doing?” Charlie smiled, taking a bite from the pandesal smothered with ube spread. Humming in delight from the tastes. I hope he liked the spread I impulsively made.
I sipped from my mug of coffee, cupping it in my hands. “They’ve been going okay…”
“Was the switch good? Is the new therapist treating you better?”
“Yeah… I like her. She’s more considerate about me rather than the last guy who just straight up dismissed everything about me, told me to such it up and that this whole thing with me in hormonal therapy is just a phase, calling me the wrong pronouns, and telling Ma and Pa everything without my consent after each session even though he kept say whatever is said stays in the room. That was so not hot of him."
"By the way, How’s school going, Char?”
Charlie groaned in agony, “Why must I talk about school?!”
“Because I just want to know. You refuse to talk about it when we video chat. Like, how is it living with one of our employer’s kids?”
“Listen, it wasn’t planned. Tim just happened to be my roommate by random chance.”
“Yeah, for all of 5 years in that program?” I scoffed, turning away and looking out the window, taking another sip of my coffee.
Charlie was silent, shoving the rest of the ube covered bread into his mouth.
“Exactly. You sure Tim didn’t pay off the dorm people to stay with someone he knows rather than living with complete strangers?”
“...Shut up.” He said, his mouth full as he chewed, slurring his words up.
I exhaled through my nose at his response, "So, what’s the plan for your weekend visit?” I questioned as I took a bite from the ensaimada.
Charlie swallowed his food, sipping from his coffee. “Gonna visit Mrs.Silverwood this weekend, she’s inviting me for tea.” Charlie said with a smile, “And I hear that you’re going over to Viola’s place for Tea.”
“Wait… what? How did you know? I don’t remember telling you that...”
“Tim told me as we packed up to come back to town for the weekend.” Charlie said with a smile.
I just nodded, the rest of the time we stayed silent, looking out the dining room window. But we both knew - our silence spoke volumes to each other, in a good way.
---
My eyes fluttered open as I woke from my sleep, blinking a couple times to adjust my sight to my dark lower bunk. I turned over to my side, facing the close privacy curtain on my bunk, seeing that there was some light leaking through. I pulled the curtain aside to see the dim light coming from the upper bunk. ‘Oh, Charlie…' I thought as I shook my head to myself. I opened my bunk’s curtain and got out of bed, feeling the coldness of the wooden floor as I stood up. I climbed up the bunk ladder and knocked on the post. “Bear...? Are you still awake...?” I called out from the otherside of his curtain, my tone quiet and soft.
Charlie pulled opened his curtain slightly, “Cee? Did I wake you?”
I shook my head in response, looking around his bunk, seeing he was up doing homework on his laptop. “Homework again…?” I said softly, taking out my phone from my shorts’ pocket and checking the time, “It’s one in the morning…”
“I know… I just need to finish the coding homework that was assigned…” He said, fixing his reading glasses before turning his attention back to the coding on the screen.
I watched him work, the keyboard tapping away putting me at ease. It really reminded me of rain hitting the pavement and windows. “Charlie?”
“Yes?” He responded, keeping his eyes on his laptop screen, the screen reflecting back on his glasses' lenses.
“Can I sleep with you on your bunk this weekend?”
“Aren’t you a bit too old for that?” Charlie said with a chuckle in his voice, looking at me with a smile that he did when he was just doing what older siblings did with their younger siblings.
I just glared at him, I couldn’t tell what expression I was making. But all I know is that it hopefully got the message across that I didn’t like what he had to say.
“Geez Cee-cee… Sarcasm.” Charlie said with a smile, scooting over to give me space to lay down beside him.
“You know I can’t identify if you’re joking or not… It doesn’t help that I can’t read your facial expression either…” I mumbled, getting up onto the top bunk and laying down beside the older guy, leaning against him as he worked.
“I know… I know… Just messing around with you is all…” Charlie said with a soft smile, planting a kiss on the top of my head.
I closed my eyes, listening to the clacking of the keyboard as if it was rain. “Don’t say up too late, Mr. Game programmer… you have afternoon tea with our boss tomorrow…”
Charlie chuckled, patting the top of my head as he wrapped his arm over my shoulder to hold me against his side as he worked.
“I won’t, promise…”
“Char-bear?”
“Hm?”
“For the love of the gods, please don’t wear the DILF shirt tomorrow when you go for tea.”
“Fine… but it’s once again a shirt about fishing. DILF, Damn I love Fishing…”
I exhaled through my nose heavily, making Charlie laugh. “Goodnight, Charlie…”
“Sleep easy, Cessair…”
---
Charlie does so much for me… One day, I’ll repay him for all he’s done for me, even if he tells me not too… He’s the best Kuya I could ask for. [Journal entry 09/17/2020]
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