The windows were all down in the car, the cool early fall air filling the vehicle with soft whooshing mixed with the soft sounds of whatever playlist Toby put on pouring out from the speakers and into the wind. It felt like we were all in a film - the streets were silent and empty in both ways, the night shone through the towering trees that boarded the road back to town from the outskirts, the branches and leaves of the tree letting only shards of light make it through. I can’t help but feel at ease as we drove in silence. I slouched against the door, peeking my head out of the door’s window letting the wind rush through my messy brown hair and brush up against my face. I let out a soft exhale through my nose as the wind tickled my burn scar that was on the left side of my face. It felt so nice. I liked fall, the weather was perfect for my clothing. It was either too hot or too cold… it was just perfect.
“Looks like someone’s enjoying himself.” I heard Hal said with a soft chuckle, breaking the silence.
“I am…” I said wishfully, still in my daze of relaxing bliss and a moment where my thoughts were quiet. “Are we taking the scenic route to your place, Hal? I feel like we should be back in town by now…”
Hal just chuckled at my question, not saying a word in response and kept driving. I knew it, but I’m not complaining. I sat there in the back in silence once more, taking in the cold air as I stuck my head out of the window a bit more.
I let out a soft sigh before sitting up straight, putting my feet up on the armrest in front and stretched.
“Cee-cee, you can sleep if you want if you’re sleepy… I’ll wake you up when we get to Hal’s” Toby suggested and I shook my head in response.
“I’m fine… just kind of enjoying the moment…” I sighed out only for thoughts of earlier rushing back. I closed my eyes tight and turned my head to the side as if I was going to get slapped by something. And that something was cringe and regret. ‘Why did I do that earlier…? Ughhh…’
“Is something on your mind Cessair? I know for a fact that you just cringed at something you thought of.” Hal called out, pulling my attention to the rear view mirror, seeing Hal’s eyes side-eyeing me before focusing back on the road ahead.
“Kinda…” I said in a soft tone, slouching a bit in the seat.
“Talk then, what’s on that mind this time?”
“Do you guys think… I’m unloveable?”
Silence. Just the soft rumbles of the engine, the breeze and the instrumental music was audible between the three of us.
“You’re the most loveable, unloveable guy out of the three of us, silly.” Toby said looking over the seat with a smile, laughing a bit. Hal chuckled softly in what I can only assume was agreement. Then I saw Toby’s smile fade suddenly. I look at the rear view mirror to see what exactly my face was doing to cause that kind of reaction. Nothing. It was the same old tired look I’ve always had. Well, remember always having. Dark circles under my right eye, my burn mark on my other, and the permanent slight frown that I always had when my face was resting.
“You sighed… Was that not the response you were looking for?” Toby asked, his voice shifting from his normal on to the one he used when we were in the back of his jeep that one time. The time he saw what laid under all my jumpers and promised to save me whenever I felt like I was a danger to myself.
“Did I…?”
Toby nodded with his lips curled into a slight smile and his dark eyes avoiding mine, “Guessing you were too caught up in your thoughts to realise you sighed…”
“Is it okay if I vent… again?”
“Of course, we want to help you. It’s not good if you’re just keeping them in and bottled up… It’s not healthy.” Hal said with a smile I could see in the rear view, looking back at me then and again as he spoke, trying to give his attention to both me and the road.
I took a deep breath and slouched more before laying back on the back seat, staring up at the ceiling of the car and my legs to the side so no to get the dirt under my shoes on Hal’s car. “I just feel kinda pressured now to fall in love with someone… Like I feel like I’m missing out on the teenager experience. Is romance really worth waiting for if it’s just going to hurt at the end? Like either the person doesn’t like you back or just getting dumped…?”
“Just… all in all, I just feel pressured with all this talk about relationships we had earlier. Essentially now with the whole ‘get-love-quick’ schemes online with dating sites and all…”
Toby reached back and put his hand over mine, getting my attention to him. “I understand how that feels Cessair… you know, I-”
“Toby, sit properly now and put on your seat belts you two. We’re going into town now and heaven knows that there’s a cop somewhere on duty.” Hal cut Toby off, slowing down.
Toby looked at me with his eyes glazed with a soft look before putting his hand away from on top of mine and sitting properly in his seat, the sound on the seat belt extending and clicking into place in front as I felt the car turn and slow down, driving at a slow speed now.
I laid there in silence, looking back up at the ceiling of the car, my thoughts wondering. ‘Fuck, I need to write this shit down.’
---
… I guess it's the pain I feel? Since it’s what I felt when I was talking about my insecurities about feeling a bit pressured about falling for someone ASAP. It’s mostly in my chest area though, but also a weird tingly feeling in my stomach when Toby touched my hand back in the car… maybe I should get both of those checked.
---
Knock! Knock!
“Cessair? Are you decent?” I heard Toby’s voice call out from the other side of the closed guest room door.
“Yeah… come in.” I called out, the doorknob turning and the door groaned open, Toby sticking his head in.
Toby made his way over to me in bed after closing the room door behind him, sitting with me on it. “What are you still doing awake? It’s already way past 2 AM…” He whispered.
“Just journaling my thoughts… couldn’t relax, I guess…”
“Still thinking about what you were talking about back there, about relationships?”
I nodded slowly, Toby biting the inside of his lip in thought before sitting next to me, going pulling the sheets over him as well as me.
“What are you doing still up? I thought you were always the type to sleep early…”
“I am but I’m just worried about you… you should really have all these insecurities about being in a relationship… you’re sixteen-years-old… you still got your whole life ahead.”
“You sound like an old man, Tobs. You’re the same age as me.”
Toby shrugged with a smile, “Never too early to become the wise old man-owl I am” he said with a chuckle, wrapping his arms around me.
“By the way, Toby…”
“Mmm..?”
“What did you want to say back there in the car?”
“Oh, um…” I noticed Toby’s cheeks got a slight dust of pink as he spoke, “Nothing… I think I was going to ramble on and give you an old wise man-owl talk, heh.”
“Just know, Cessair. Till you find that romance you're looking for, Hal and I will be the guys that love you, platonically though.”
Knock! Knock!
“Um… come in?” I called out to the person knocking at the door. It can only be one other person or else. The door opened slowly with a creek As if to not wake whoever is sleeping in the house.
“Oh, Tobs. You’re here… I thought you were in your guest room.” Hal said with a look that can only be described as a ‘Deer in the Headlights’ look.
“No, I wanna sleep with Cessair tonight…” Toby said as if he was a five year old. Hal just let out a soft sigh and smiled, closing the door behind himself and walking over to the two of us, joining us on the bed on the last empty space beside me, getting under the covers as well. So much for having a huge ass bed to myself.
---
We all laid down on the bed that was once only mine for the night after talking about nonsense topics.
Toby held me as close as possible to him, his arms wrapped around the upper part of my body as I felt Hal’s arm over my waist, his body pressed against my back.
I was stuck in the middle of a throuple with my friends, slightly awake as I laid there in thought of what Toby said before Hal joined the bed party. I exhale through my nose and my eyes flutter shut, enjoying the body warmth my friends were giving me as they unknowingly snuggled me in their sleep. ‘Maybe this throuple isn’t so bad…’ I thought as I finally drifted off to sleep, sandwiched between the two guys that would love me for now… in a platonic way.
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