TW//CW - This chapter will have a comment about plans to self-harm oneself and self-depreciation. Please proceed this chapter with caution if you so choose to continue reading on this warning. Please don’t proceed if you are easily triggered/extremely sensitive about the topics that will be covered and reach out for help to either a counsellor, therapist or respective hotlines/text lines in your area.
Again, please be responsible with your consumption and don’t read on if you're sensitive to the topics plans to self-harm oneself and self-depreciation Thank you.
I sat beside Hal and Toby, listening to the two quietly arguing as they stared at the subway line's map above the train’s doors.
“We get out at College station, Toby.” Hal sighed, “I’ve been on these trains more than you.”
“Trust me, I know my shit. And we get off at Union.” Toby shot back.
Don’t understand why I ever agreed to go out. I didn’t have anything to do over the day off we were given due to the teacher’s union protests. I didn’t have homework or any projects to do for my classes. I honestly was just thinking to stay home and sleep in or just lay in bed, reflecting till I made myself tear up to the point I think I just sob and eventually hurt myself because I felt dumb and stupid. Just a typical Friday for me. But the text Toby sent me this morning when I was eating breakfast really piqued my interest, a day out in downtown? How can I reject that?
“Cessair, What station do we have to get off at? You’ve been on the trains more than us.” The two said in unison, I looked up from the doodles in my notebook. The looks they were giving me were a blur to me but I could feel the tension in the air, it was thick.
I looked up at the map then flipped to the page where I wrote down the directions. “We get off at Finch, you losers.” I said with an exhale through my nose.
“See Toby? We got off line two too early because of you.” Hal said with a chuckle.
“Bite me, you whore.” Toby shot back, playfully shoving Hal with his foot.
“Kinky~” Hal laughed, Toby shooting a glare at him that made me roll my eye.
---
I followed my friends as we were led down a hall of doors to the room Hal’s reserved for us. The room was small, probably the size of my bedroom and it was filled with all the karaoke essentials - mics, speakers, percussion instruments, couches and tables and LED lights to set the mood.
“You three have fun, you’re 2 hours start now.” The hostess said with a smile as we all went into the room, closing the door behind us.
“I call dibs on the first songs!” Toby said, picking up the tablet and scrolling through the songs, taking a seat on the black leather couch. Hal laughed and sat down beside him, I followed and sat beside Hal.
“Is this really how you want to spend the day off?” I asked, taking off my bandage that hid my burn scar.
“What do you mean, Cessair?” Hal asked, picking up the light remote and dimming the lights, making the colours of the LEDs shine.
“I mean… Why invite me? I think I’m just gonna put a downer on the mood.”
“I think you need to loosen up, little storm cloud.” Hal said with a laugh, putting an arm around me as Toby’s song choice came up on the screen.
“Besides, we’ve never heard your music taste, it’s always just lo-fi or those weird core playlists whenever you get to DJ on our car rides.”
‘Shit. Not my music taste… fuck you, Charlie for fucking up my music taste with your emo and alt music. But I love you too, bless up.’ I thought and I just responded with a nod, watching Toby really get into the song, jumping and singing out of key. I looked up at Hal, watching Toby too with a smile and singing along with the song. I honestly don’t know how to act in this situation. I’m out of my element. The amount of people watching I’ve done could never prepare me for this moment. Karaoke was a key thing at Filipino gatherings but I always hid away with my brother because we were both extremely introverted and didn’t want family friends or relatives asking about our lives.
“What songs do you know? We can sing it together.” Hal said, his voice raised as he picked up the tablet from the coffee table in the room.
“No no, I don’t sing.” I put my hands up, my brows arching.
“Come on, you know I’m shy.”
“Hal, you are the most introverted extrovert I’ve met. You are not shy.”
“Cessair, come on. What about that one song by Hozier we used to sing when we were younger?”
“Ehhh… Not the best singing voice since puberty hit.”
“Eh, suit yourself.” Hal shrugged, putting in more songs in the queue.
---
I watched Hal and Toby make fools of themselves, shameless of what they sound like and jumping around. They were just having fun, and I was here being a downer on the mood. As much as they tried to push me to loosen up, I just couldn’t. I knew they didn’t care if I looked like an idiot when doing karaoke with them, but it’s just me being dumb and self-conscious of myself. I listened to the song end, Hal and Toby laughing from the high the dopamine high they were experiencing. The next song queued up, now this got my attention.
“Come on Cee-cee, last song of our session,” Hal said, handing me the mic, “at least sing this song with us.”
I rolled my eyes with a sigh and got up, taking the microphone from Hal as the two started singing. I meekly followed their lead, reading off the lyrics but I could hear my own voice quiver over all the noise as my voice slowly got quieter and quieter. ‘God… I sound like an idiot…’ I put the mic down on the table and sat back down, mumbling the lyrics as the two sang loudly. I felt like shit, I was supposed to be having fun but I’m over here sitting alone and watching my friends have fun. Maybe it was a mistake coming out today, I should've just stayed home and made an excuse that I was feeling under the weather if I knew that I would just end up with people watching the whole 2 hours.
---
The train car rumbled and rocked as it when down the tracks to the end of the line as I watched the pipes and wires of the tunnel follow and snake into other holes. “Cessair?” Hal called out, getting me to look at him, noticing he just woke up from the short nap, Toby leaning up against Hal as he napped. “Are you okay… you seem really disconnected today.”
“Yeah… yeah, I’m fine…” I muttered, looking back out the window, seeing the train pull up to the next stop.
“Cessair… I know when you're lying. Where’s your mind?”
“Gone…” I started, sighing and slouching down in my seat. “...I dunno, I kinda just feel like shit. Like, I feel like I’m just a downer on the mood since I’m kinda like that… I just never hung out with people like this before. Just always stayed home.”
“You’re not being a downer, Toby and I are happy you tagged along today…”
“Yeah, but I didn’t even partake earlier, Hal…”
“Well, maybe that’s not your type of thing. That’s what we want to figure out, what do you feel most comfortable to do ‘cause honestly… We don’t know a lot about you, Cessair… You really do try to keep your cards close to yourself, are you scared that we might find something out about you?”
I held my tongue, the train moving again, announcing that it’s approaching the last station online we were riding on. “No… I’m not holding something from you… just, wake up Toby, we’re almost at the stop, we take a bus from here and it should take us straight to the mall here.”
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