Grief
Since my dad's gone I've stopped going to school, good thing my mum doesn't have a problem with it. He just doesn't want to go anywhere. I lie in bed and look at old videos and pictures of me with my dad. Back then it still all made sense, I also see him often in my dreams. I sleep as much as possible to be with him, everything is perfect there.
Last night I dreamt that my dad was teaching me how to drive a car, but I wasn't doing very well:
-Jake brake! Brake?
-Already calm
-Son it will be a miracle when you pass your driving licence
-Well, I can handle it
-Maybe, but I'm sure I'll be sitting at home as you drive your car on the streets.
-Jake, Jake are you ready? -all of a sudden my mum's voice woke me from my slumber
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING! WHY ARE YOU WAKING ME UP!
-Sorry, I just wanted to ask if you were ready for tomorrow?
-What about tomorrow? -Mum looked at me in surprise and sat down on my bed
-Love, after all, tomorrow is Dad's funeral- I didn't want to hear it, this artificial pity and concern
-Okay, I can go to bed I'm tired
-But you're still asleep
-SO WHAT IF, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU, LEAVE, I WANT TO GO TO BED!
She didn't answer anything she got up and left and I was finally able to get back to my dad, I closed my eyes but still my phone was making some kind of sound, I took it and checked why.
It was Peter
Peter
How do you feel?
Peter
Are you ready for tomorrow?
Peter
Do you want to talk about it?
I don't know why I keep getting pestered by someone as if they don't understand that I want peace and quiet.
Jake
No thanks no thanks
Peter
Okay, but if anything, write to me
Jake
Ok
I didn't even feel like talking to Peter, come on he was always a lifesaver for me from negative emotions, this time there was nothing he could do I just wanted to be with my dad and that was it. That was all I cared about. After about thirty minutes I finally managed to fall asleep and I was with my dad again, I wish it would last forever.
Funeral day
I got up at probably ten o'clock and had to leave the house for the first time in a fortnight, I didn't like the idea but I knew my mum wouldn't let me stay.
-Jake, breakfast
-I'm on my way
I was sitting at the table just waiting for some text from my mum like how are you feeling? Or something like that, but she didn't say anything. She just ate
-You're not hungry, you haven't eaten anything
-I don't feel like it
-Well then you can start getting ready
-Good, then I can go?
-Yes, of course
I went to brush my teeth and get dressed, I'd rather spend time with my dad now than get ready for some circus.
As I came down in the living room my mother was there and I think Peter told me he was coming but I can't remember. He came up to me and asked me a question I was hoping not to hear today.
-How do you feel. Are you ready for this?
-Yes, yes let's go
We got into the car and drove to the cemetery. There was silence on the way, no one said anything, in fact now we still live in silence with pauses for a few sentences.
I felt awful standing there, I didn't want to be there, I wanted to go home and be able to forget all this myself I don't know. Peter grabbed my hand and said in a whisper
-What's going on?
-Nothing-I didn't want to talk about it but I know him too well and I know that such an answer is not enough for him. He took me aside and told my mother that I needed a few minutes and that we would be right back.
-Jake please talk to me
-about what?
-about what's happening to you. For a fortnight you've been like a ghost, you're there but it's like you're not there. I love you and I can't look at what's happening to you.
- Me me, I'm fed up with this difficult you understand, you don't even know how much. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to be here I'm just fed up
I couldn't stand it and cried. I've had enough of this day I wanted it to be over already.
-Jake- Peter didn't say anything more just hugged me. It helped me, I calmed down. Pete asked me to wait here and he would be right back. He came back after about five minutes
-Come on, let's go
-Where? We can't
-We can, I've spoken to your mum, she also thinks you'd better go somewhere quieter so we're going to my place and you're staying with me for the night
-Well- I didn't know what to say. He got it done so fast I didn't know what was actually going on. His mum drove us and went back to my mum's and we were left alone in the house.
-Are you hungry?
-Not
-Are you eating anything today?
-Not
-Maybe you could at least eat a sandwich, and have something warm to drink
-No thank you
-Jake you need to eat something
-Well
-Well, sit on the couch and I'll be right there with breakfast
-Okay- I preferred not to argue with him. I could see he was trying and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, especially since I hadn't been very nice to him lately.
-Please knaap and warm tea
-Thank you. Pete I wanted to apologise to you for my behaviour, I've been horrible to you and my mum, I didn't mean to be like that but I think it's beyond me,
-Jake calmly I understand that. Your dad died , it's really scary when someone you love dies but remember you are not alone you have us we will always be there for you no matter what happens or what you do or say we will always love you.
I started crying again I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have Peter.
-Can I get a kiss? -Pete wiped my tears and said
-All the time. So why don't we watch a movie?
-I'm sorry but I don't feel like watching anything
-Okay then we can sit in silence
-Okay- We sat like that for a few minutes, seemingly nice to be able to sit with your boyfriend, but it wasn't like before. I didn't feel the peace and joy that I used to. All I could think about was my dad and how much I would love to see him. Peter is lucky that his parents are healthy, you could say he has the perfect life. He has healthy loving parents, a sister he doesn't get along with but he is, and a boy.
I used to think my life was perfect too, that I had everything I dreamed of, but that was just fiction.
A delusion, a lie my parents fed me. I don't understand how they could lie to me for so long, they knew I was worried but decided not to tell me anything. They waited until the worst moment.
I thought it would get better with time, but it doesn't. Come on I'm not so indifferent to Peter anymore and I tell him when I'm bad, for my mum I'm not going to be like that.
All my suffering is her and my dad's fault, they didn't let me prepare for his passing, they preferred to keep lying and hiding it from me. I've had enough of this I've stopped looking at pictures and videos of him all the time and I've stopped sleeping all the time hoping to see him in my dreams, all in all now I don't dream anything and that's even better. When I see him in pictures or videos I am reminded of what he and my mum have done to me and it only makes me more upset with them.
I spend all day at Peter's. I leave home early and come back very late to not have to see her. She should be proud of herself she achieved her goal, she destroyed my life. She can congratulate herself.
Pete is my only support, he even stopped going to school to be with me, I don't want him to sacrifice for me and skip lessons but he makes whatever decision he makes, no one or nothing can make him change his mind.
- And what's another day of lying on the sofa today?
-What else is there to do?
-There are many possibilities of what can be done, for example, going out for a walk
-no thanks, I prefer the sofa.
-And how about your mum?
- doesn't want to talk about it, she has what she wanted and can now be happy
-You know that's not what she meant
-Maybe, but it's all because of their lies. Pete, please, I don't want to talk about it.
-Well how about we watch Doctor Strange?
-Newly? You must have watched it a million times and know almost all the lines by heart
- Please
-Okay
After watching the film I had to go home, Peter's parents offered to drive me home but I preferred to take a walk to cool down before going home.
I walked for about thirty minutes and as soon as I stood in front of the house the door was opened by my mother I really preferred not to see her at that moment.
-How was it with Peter?
-Good- -I entered the house and hoped that I would be able to reach the room before the next question. Unfortunately, I didn't make it.
-Are you hungry?
-Not
-And maybe we'll watch a movie
-Not
-Can you say more than no
-What should I tell you, you already had the opportunity to talk to me, for example, about Dad's illness but at that time you kept saying that everything was fine, that it was just tiredness, that he would be better tomorrow and what not.
She didn't say anything, as I walked to my room she just said a quiet goodnight.
Maybe I'm not very nice to her but she didn't deserve to be treated any better so much of the time she deceived me and when she finally told the truth it was too late. I didn't have time to come to terms with my dad's illness and to prepare for his passing.
Jake
Can I stay with you tomorrow night?
Peter
Sure, and what happened?
Jake
My mother annoys me and I can't stand her anymore
Peter
Do you think this constant avoidance of her is a good idea?
Jake
I don't know myself anymore but until I come up with something better then yes, with her I still want to cry and remind myself of how my life fell apart
Peter
Come what time you want just let me know when you're on your way to my place
Jake
Okay
The next day
Jake
Yes, I will be with you in ten minutes
Peter
Okay, and did you eat anything today?
Jake
I ate something there
Peter
So you haven't eaten anything. Then I'll make you some food.
When I entered Peter's house I saw that my mother was there. She was standing in the hallway
-Jake we can talk
-Peter what is this why did you do this to me?
-Because I love you and I can't watch you suffer, after all you love your mother very much. Please talk to her. Please, just a few minutes
-Good
We sat on the sofa in the living room and Peter went into the kitchen.
-Why did you want to talk to me?
-Jake don't blame Peter for this, I'm the one who asked him to do it
-I'm not always surprised.
-Listen to me, I understand that you are angry with me for not telling you about Dad's illness, but it was hard for me too, the man I loved was dying and there was nothing I could do, I was powerless. We didn't want to tell you anything because we wanted you to have fond memories of your last moments with Dad. We thought we still had time to prepare you for his death, but we were wrong. Death came unexpectedly and we were not ready for it.
I know lying to you was a mistake, I'm really sorry, we just didn't know what to do.
I sat and listened to what she was saying, I knew in my heart she was sorry and she didn't mean it badly but I'm also mad at her for all the lies, I didn't know what to do now so I got up and left Peter's house. I walked around the streets thinking what to do now, constant anger at my mum is not good and I know it but I don't know how to act any other way. When I see her I am reminded of what she did. Negative emotions flow into my head and I don't know how to push them away.
I think I'll go home and sleep, I don't have a better idea for the moment, I'm just tired of it all.
The next day wasn't any better, even though I wasn't so angry with my mother anymore, I started to blame myself.
Maybe it was my fault they didn't tell me anything, maybe they knew I was weak and couldn't handle the truth. Now I know it and so what, maybe it was living a lie that made it better, after all, those last days with my dad were really great, and if I had known about it they wouldn't have been like that.
Maybe if I had been more supportive of my parents I could have helped them in some way, or if I had noticed the symptoms of my dad's illness earlier and told him about it he would have gone to the doctor and they would be here with us now. I let him down. Maybe the anger at mum was a veil of my guilt, I didn't do anything after all, but I could have. As we were in Brazil on holiday I could have not let go and kept trying to find out what was going on with Dad. The one person I can be angry at is not mum or someone else, it's me.
I'm the one who did almost nothing if I hadn't been like that maybe something could have been done and helped my dad. It's all my fault.
I decided to apologise to my mother for the way I was behaving. I went to the kitchen and I think she was cooking something.
-Mummy can we talk?
-Yes, of course, darling
-I wanted to apologise to you for the way I behaved towards you. I know it was wrong and you wanted the best for me. I am so sorry for that
-OH Jake- my mum came up to me and hugged me, at that moment I was reminded of how much I loved her and I couldn't believe how I could be so horrible to such a loved one. She even started crying, just like me.
-So rest assured baby I know it's hard for you but we have to manage, life doesn't end, we have to learn to live with it to move on.
-Yes you are right
-Maybe you'd like something to eat You look bad
-Bright
-And what would you like
-Whatever
I felt better about having apologised to my mum and she forgave me, I wouldn't have forgiven myself for those horrible words and that awful treatment. I can't imagine how I hurt her and how she suffered because of me. After all, she loved her dad too and I'm sure it was hard for her with him gone. I don't want to hurt anyone else, to make them feel like trash because of me, Dad wouldn't want that, and I did it. I'm a bad son.
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