(Some time later)
I can't remember the last time I was in school but it was a very long time ago.
He doesn't want to see anyone so that he doesn't suffer because of me. I've already hurt my mum and I don't want to do it again. I'm afraid to even meet Peter, I don't want to lose him and if I hurt him I can't let that happen.
Monday
Peter
Hey are you going to school today?
Jake
Unfortunately not
Peter
Too bad ☹ I miss you
Jake
I miss you too
Saturday
Peter
are we going to the cinema?
Jake
I'm sorry, I can't. I don't feel well
Peter
I understand, recover quickly
Jake
I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm doing it for his sake. For the good of everyone. My mind is clogged with negative emotions and thoughts I can't cope with. I keep going over in my head the horrible things I've done and the things I haven't done. I couldn't sleep I tried but couldn't, I kept having nightmares and waking up in the night, or constant remorse wouldn't let me sleep. Fortunately, I found a solution for this. I managed to find and buy online, sedative and sleeping tablets, it was just what I needed.
I bought ten packs straight away to keep on hand at all times and to make sure they didn't run out quickly. At first I took two tablets at bedtime and it was better, maybe not that much but I could see the effects. I slept longer, stronger and the nightmares stopped, but over time they stopped working and I had to take larger doses.
I slept practically all day. I didn't get out of bed, I ate once or twice a day. While sleeping I could free myself from the thoughts that kept poisoning my mind, I felt free.
-Jake are you asleep? It's 3 p.m.
-I just got up, and what's going on?
-You have a visitor
-Who, I don't have the strength to see anyone
That visitor was Peter, he came into my room and I think he was terrified when he saw him, I don't blame him because it was a bit of a mess. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and mum left us alone.
-Jake with you is getting worse
-What are you talking about I reconciled with my mother
-I'm very happy for you, but you don't go to school constantly lying in bed, you don't meet anyone, this kind of escape is not the solution.
-I'm fine as it is- Peter started to look at me in horror I don't know what I did maybe I said something wrong. But what? I don't think I said anything wrong. Why is he looking at me like that?
-What did you take?
-What are you talking about
-Jake, I'm not blind, what have you done
-REALLY NOTHING- Peter was upset by this and got up and started checking my desk cabinets. He was really angry
-WHERE IS IT?
-There is nothing here, calm down- I was afraid, I tried to calm him down but it didn't help. Finally, he found empty packets of tranquilizers and sleeping pills under my bed.
-What is it?
-Sleeping pills
-Jake why are they empty
-Well, if you take the pills, they will run out at some point
-Tego, how many of these are there! You didn't tell me you had trouble sleeping
-I don't anymore- Peter sat down next to me on the bed he was seriously worried
-Jake taking pills all the time doesn't help, believe me. It helps only for a while, but not for a long time. Look what has happened to you. You used to be always smiling and full of life, and now you are like a phantom of yourself.
-This medication makes him feel better
-You need help, maybe you should go to a psychologist?
-I don't really want to I can manage, just don't tell my mum about it
-Good I won't say, but you have to promise me you'll stop taking those pills and start leaving the house ok?
-Okay- you can see even by doing nothing I hurt others. I thought I wouldn't hurt anyone by not leaving the house but I did, Peter probably felt abandoned by me. We used to spend all day together and now you only have a few messages. I'M HURTING THE PERSON I LOVE AGAIN. I can't do this anymore.
I came up with the idea to surprise Petere tomorrow and come to him, I hope he will be happy.
Jake
What are you doing?
Peter
Nothing interesting, why are you asking?
Jake
Get out in front of the house
Peter
Why?
Jake
Just get out
As soon as he opened the door he stood motionless for a few seconds, then ran up to me and hugged and kissed me.
-I can't believe you're here
-Surprise, do you like it?
-You don't even know how much
We went inside and went to Peter's room. It was really fun we talked a lot, laughed and watched probably three movies. His mum made us dinner which was very good.
After lunch we stayed in the living room and talked a lot again. We had to catch up a lot. But eventually we moved on to topics I preferred not to talk about
-Stop missing those pills
-I didn't like lying to him but I finally understood why my parents lied to me, to protect the people you love. If I told him I was taking even more he would be devastated, he would suffer because of me and I didn't want that. He already suffered enough because of me, I wanted him to be happy.
When I got home I burst into tears. I felt bad about lying to Peter, I was trying not to hurt anyone and I kept doing that. I had had enough. I wanted to end it I put the letter on my bed and left the house
I put the letter on my bed and left the house.
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