TW//CW - This chapter contains mentions and mild descriptions of sexual content and a one off of self-depreciation. Please proceed this chapter with caution if you so choose to continue reading on this warning. Please don't proceed if you are easily triggered/extremely sensitive about the topics that will be covered and reach out for help to either a counsellor, therapist or respective hotlines/text lines in your area.
Again, please be responsible with your consumption and don't read on if you're sensitive to the topics of sexual content and self-deprecation . Thank you.
The soft moans and rhythm creaks of the bed poured out of my laptop's speakers as I watched the people on screen go at it as if it was the last day on earth, waiting for the same old usual thing.
"Nope, still nothing." I said through a sign, putting my laptop aside and opening the curtains of my bunk. I reached into my backpack that laid flat on the floor, pulling out my journal and stationary box, tossing them on the bed. I sat back up and closed the curtains once more as if someone would walk in on me watching such acts. 'Sure hope my therapist doesn't mind me writing about this.' I thought, taking out my favourite gel pen and flipping open my journal to a fresh page.
---
Never understood the obsession people have over sex. Why do people even call it 'Sex'? I guess it's more of an appealing word rather than 'intercorse'. I don't understand why people even watch this stuff. It's just people fucking. I don't think it's realistic. The assistive amount of moaning the girl does. And it's always only girls that do the moaning. Even in man-on-man vids I've watched. The men barely moan or show any pleasure in doing it as if it's gonna show some form of weakness on this shit. Or maybe this is how all guys act when they fuck. But still... I don't understand why people watch it. What reaction am I supposed to get from this? What am I supposed to feel when seeing two people do this on the screen, being all erotic and all.
I remember asking Hal and Toby about what they feel when they watch this kind of stuff and how exactly is my body supposed to react or just myself in general. I know it's an awkward thing to ask but I've basically interviewed every guy friend I had. I would ask my brother, but I think that might be pushing it with my relationship with him. Even some stuff between us we don't ask. I can't just go up to him and go - "Hey, what kind of porn genre are you into? How do you feel when you watch it?"
See? Weird as shit.
But, really. How am I supposed to feel when I even witness it? Even if it's on the screen. All the interviews I've done have one thing in common, they all feel kinda tingly in their middle areas.
I've just kinda found the act weirdly rhythmic. I mostly focus on the creaking of the bed, most of the time it's a 2 beat rhythm. Sometimes it stops and sometimes the creaking of the bed quickens then gets really slow or sloppy. I don't know how the bed can handle all that shit they do cuz I know it's fake. It's a set. Do you think they ever sometimes break the bed during shoots? Or after every shoot they need to rebuild the bed? Or wherever they decide the plot takes them... I should find a bed built like that when I get my own room. It would be good for jumping.
I know that all porn isn't just faked... Some are real. Like the ones with real couples. Those ones have always intrigued me for no reason. Maybe it's like I'm people watching - I can tell that it's genuine, the intimacy they have between them. The rhythm of the bed creaks were different from the ones made by those companies that are obsessed with making up really creepy storylines. Honestly, most of the tropes are kinda all real creepy, Don't understand why people are into them like ever. But something about the real ones really do hit differently for me, guess it's the envy of wanting to be that in love with someone.
Sometimes I wonder to myself if it actually feel good to do it. I caught other people doing this kind of stuff before in real life and not on the screen. Like at the after dark party for the Fall Festival. I was trying to find the washroom in that hell-house and caught some teens getting it on in the hallway. Then there was this whole thing at the drink station. I was just a bystander. Then the multiple times I had to ask to use to staff washroom because some couple was selfish enough to take the only place I could go to the washroom without get possibly hurt, the stairwells, gym locker rooms and
I'll stop there. I can list this shit and I would end up finishing this journal.
I guess that... I feel weirdly pressured to do this stuff. I'm supposed to be doing this
---
"Shit, really?" I muttered under my breath, scribbling the tip of the pen on the remaining lines of the thought entry as the silence was filled with a mix of erotic sound and the pen's tip making friction with the paper. No ink. "Ugh... guess it's the universe telling me to shut the fuck up about me being a pathetic incel."
I flipped to my personal shopping list in the back of the journal, taking my pencil from the case. "Reminder to self..." I muttered as I wrote.
"Get pen refills from the stationary store..."
Comments (0)
See all