Painful, but Desirable

Chapter 2

ONE YEAR EARLIER

The secret crush she’d held for so long ended at an unexpected moment. The members of the Hasung University Orchestra Club were very close. Even now—six years after graduation—they still looked for any excuse to meet up. Today’s occasion was cherry blossoms.

Whenever the club had a meetup, she was in the best mood. Hayeon was anxious to get out of the office and meet up with her friends. Her lips were warmer than usual as she traced them with lipstick. Had she put on too much makeup? She checked herself in the mirror one last time and headed out.

Her heels click-clacked on the sidewalk as she made her way to the nearest subway station. Just then, a black car pulled up next to her. The window slid down, and a man looked out at Hayeon from inside the car.

The man’s chiseled face, his sharp nose, and the loose curve of his eyebrows were enough to make women passing by turn to look. He leaned his head out the window.

“Are you on your way to the meetup?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah,” she said.

“I’m headed there too,” he said. “Get in. I can give you a ride.”

His name was Cha Doyun. He was Hayeon’s sunbae—a senior who had been ahead of her in university—and now they worked at the same company.

“Are you sure?” she asked awkwardly. He nodded in affirmation.

“Thank you,” she said, bowing her head to get in. The car was immaculate, not a speck of dirt or dust could be seen.

“Today, it’s the cherry blossoms, right?” His low voice filled the car like music.

“Yes, Director Cha,” she responded.

His brow furrowed at the word director. Cha Doyun was the only son of Hando Group President Cha Seohyoung. But Doyun didn’t work at his father’s group. He worked at his mother’s family company, PQ Chemical. That’s right, Doyun had not one but two big-shot parents.

Doyun was a director, while Hayeon was merely a manager, just one step above a regular employee. She’d nervously referred to him by his title without even realizing it. But Doyun didn’t like being so formal outside of work.

Seeing his scowl, she added, “Sorry, sunbae. Habit.”

“…”

“Yes, we’re meeting up for the cherry blossoms,” she repeated. “It’s April. They’re in full bloom, so it’ll be pretty.”

“You think anyone cares about the flowers? I’m sure they all just want to get drunk,” he said. Hayeon looked out the window and murmured something. Doyun laughed to himself, his neat lips curling into a cold smile.

* * *

Doyun was right. No one was there to see the cherry blossoms. The club members took one quick walk down the street strewn with flower petals and then headed straight to the nearest bar. Most of them were drunk within the hour.

“Last week, my manager kept bugging me about getting married. Why should he care?”

“Are we already of marrying age?”

“Well, yeah. Kind of.”

“I don’t care what age we are. Who does he think he is? My mom?”

They’d all changed a lot since they met as freshmen. Now, all they talked about was work and marriage. But they could rely on each other, that was one thing that hadn’t changed.

“When we’re all together, it feels like we haven’t aged at all.”

Hayeon laughed as she looked around at her friends. There was no one else in the world she could talk with as comfortably as the friends sitting in front of her. Perhaps because everyone felt the same way. All these years after graduation, this orchestra club still held concerts together. But they cared more for each other than the music. Or was it the alcohol?

“Hayeon, have another drink!” someone said.

“Oh! Okay,” Hayeon said.

She held out her glass and the red-faced friend across the table poured her another drink. Then she looked over at the man a seat down from her as he took a swig from his glass. He was still sober and wearing the same cold expression he always did.

I’m such a coward.

Whatever kept everyone else coming back—the music, the company, the alcohol—Hayeon came for one reason and one reason only. It was a secret she’d kept hidden all these years. It was him.

Doyun sunbae, she whispered his name to herself. That elegant name stuck to her lips like honey. But the alcohol was bitter on her tongue, sharp enough to make her bold. Hayeon couldn’t take her eyes off him. She stared more than she ever would if she were sober. Feeling her eyes on him, Doyun turned toward her.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head and avoiding his eyes. Hayeon had long since given up on Doyun ever returning her feelings. Finding someone you like who likes you back is so hard it’s almost a miracle.

She realized after she met him that, to Doyun, she wasn’t anything more than a club hubae—a junior in school. To him, she wasn’t a woman with whom he’d pursue a relationship. And it wasn’t just her, he didn’t see any woman that way. Sophomore year of university, she had stumbled on another student confessing her crush on him.

“Doyun Oppa, I like you. Would you go out with me?”

He let out a small, bitter laugh and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Is it someone else?”

“No.”

“Am I not in your league?”

“It’s not you. I don’t plan on dating anyone. Not now, not ever.”

He wasn’t just saying that to get out of it. He never did date anyone after that. He never opened his heart to anyone, even for a moment. That was what kept Hayeon’s longtime crush alive. No one could have Cha Doyun.

That’s why her secret love was able to cower for so long in the shadows. She didn’t have the courage to get closer to him, nor to let him go. All these years, she’d just been standing still, watching him. She knocked back another shot of soju, letting the bitterness bring her back to reality. The faint scent of alcohol wafted through her nose. Doyun had turned away from Hayeon again and was talking calmly with the friend across from him.

“...there’s no need to be so surprised...”

His deep voice cut through the clinking glasses. She couldn’t keep from listening even if she tried, every cell in her body strained toward him. Her thoughts of him would linger longer than the alcohol and make her suffer more than any hangover. She picked up her phone and tried to focus on something else, anything else.

“I’m serious. I’m going to get married.”

What?

His voice pierced through all the noise, shooting straight to her heart.

“What?! Doyun, what did you just say?” his friend exclaimed, shocked. “You’re going to get married?”

“That’s right,” Doyun said.

“Are you crazy? No, wait. What’s today? April Fool’s?”

The chatter seemed to grow louder. Hayeon’s head was starting to spin when a soft voice next to her asked, “Are you okay?”

It was Sungjun, a student from the same year as Hayeon. He was the only person who knew about the crush that Doyun himself was so blissfully unaware of. She couldn’t bring herself to say she was okay because she wasn’t.

What happened? Doyun had no interest in women. She’d known him for 10 years now—since her first year of university. All that time, he’d kept his distance from women. But now, he was getting married?

Her toes felt numb. She wanted to ask him, Who are you getting married to? What’s happening? Didn’t you say you wouldn’t ever date anyone?

“I thought you weren’t interested in dating?” someone said.

“I’m not,” Doyun replied casually, as if dating and marriage had nothing to do with each other.

“Then why are you suddenly talking about getting married? Have you been secretly seeing someone?”

“Of course not,” Doyun said.

“Then who are you going to marry?”

Doyun took another drink and pursed his lips thoughtfully. “A woman, I suppose,” he said.

“Wh... Who? What woman?”

“I’m going to have someone set me up with a match and get married. As soon as possible,” Doyun spoke as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

“You’re going to have someone set you up?”

Doyun had never dated a woman, not even once. The chatter swelled again with questions and comments. Some were interested, others shocked he could marry someone he didn’t love, and some weren’t surprised. Doyun had always been different, after all. Hayeon lowered her head and didn’t say a word.

“Do you want some water?” Sungjun asked.

She was holding her breath. He slid a glass of water toward her. She finally took a breath and shook her head.

“No, I want alcohol,” she said.

“Hayeon,” said Sungjun.

“It’s okay, I’m fine,” she said, even though her voice was shaking.

The wall Doyun built between himself and women had only gotten stronger since university. How could this happen? How could he be moving forward when Hayeon was still rooted to the ground, unable to admit her feelings?

Was she wrong for holding on so long? Was she a bad person for thinking it was fine? She always knew he would end up with someone someday, but she didn’t think it would be so sudden. Hayeon poured a full shot of soju and tossed it back. Nothing had ever tasted so bitter.

* * *

Hayeon had never gotten drunk at one of the club meetups before. She didn’t want anyone to see her like that, especially Doyun. She was afraid she’d tell him something she shouldn’t—that she liked him, loved him, even. She would never recover from the embarrassment of a pointless confession, so she never drank much with the club—until today. She emptied her shot glass again and again.

Her friends all decided to go somewhere else for a second round and left the bar. Even though she wasn’t the only one who was smashed, Hayeon definitely looked the wobbliest walking beside them. It felt like she was walking through a swamp and slowly getting sucked into its depths.

“Hayeon, don’t fall. Hayeon!” Sungjun grabbed Hayeon’s arm just as her legs almost slipped out from under her.

“Ah, mm...” Hayeon swept her hair out of her face and smiled. It was a weak smile, almost a smirk. “Oh, it’s you, Sungjun. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Are you dizzy?” he asked.

“No. I’m...”

Fine. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.

She felt Sungjun’s worried look as she hung her head. The wind picked up and the chill sobered her enough to stand up straight.

“I need to go,” she said.

“Can you make it home?” he asked.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” she replied, nodding her head and clearing her throat. “I’ve got to go home. Where else can I go?”

Their friends called to them, “Sungjun, aren’t you coming? Is Hayeon going home? What about round two?”

She couldn’t stomach a second round. A lump was already forming in her throat. If she drank more, there’s no telling what she’d say. She had to get home before she did something mortifying.

“Sungjun, you go ahead,” she said.

“You drank too much. I’ll walk you home,” he said.

“I said I’m fine. My house is nearby anyway. I can walk there... It’s okay. I’m fine, really.”

Sungjun finally let her go at her insistence. Thankfully, everyone was so focused on moving to the next bar that no one noticed how shaky Hayeon was. She waved to show she was fine, then turned and walked away.

Straightening her back as much as possible, breathing out and in, she inched forward one step at a time. After keeping her crush a secret for such a long time, she couldn’t just blurt it out now.

It would be so awkward for everyone. Just keep your mouth shut. You can cry at home. If you can even get home.

Out in the street, the spring wind was unseasonably cold. Her hair fluttered in every direction and her heart was doing the same. Just when she’d gotten ahold of herself and started heading down the street again, she heard footsteps.

Did Sungjun come back for her? I told him to go inside.

Before she could turn around to see who it was, a man’s voice blew warm in the wind.

“Are you walking home alone?” The voice was low and deep, but not hard. She knew it well. “You really drank too much.”

She turned around and looked up.

Doyun sunbae.