Chris felt the flush start so intensely it was a miracle his beard didn’t burst into flames. He started to speak and stopped several times. “I don’t know what happened” he finished with a big sigh. “I thought you could explain” said Oliver coldly. “I thought you would explain exactly what possessed you to storm over and ruin my date when I still had time left on my break. I thought you would maybe explain that you were possessed or drunk and that you were sorry and something like that would never happen again? Was I confused about you being able to explain? I did think that’s what you said” 

Chris sighed again. “I didn’t like seeing him touch you” 

Oliver laughed but it wasn’t a pleasant laugh, it was a cold, mirthless laugh foreign to Chris. “What you don’t want me being touched? Really? That’s your excuse?” He looked Chris in the face and laughed that dead laugh again. “What you didn’t want him finding out? Finding out I’m trans? Are you trying to protect me? Or are you ashamed of me?” Chris started to protest but Oliver started again “you like being the only one who knows? You don’t want to share the secret?” He drew a shuddering breath “you don’t want to share the freak show? Have everyone know what your ‘best friend’ really is?” Oliver was crying now. Chris just stood motionless and shocked. This was not what he was expecting at all. He didn’t know where to start with where Oliver had gone wrong but he couldn’t expose how he really felt? Not now, it would sound fake and like he was only saying it to cover his actions. 

“Do you really think so little of me?” Chris whispered “do you think I care about you being trans beyond how it affects you?” Chris was now crying too. “Don’t you have any idea how I feel about you? You’re everything to me. You’re my best friend and I-“ he stopped “I love you so much. I would never do anything to hurt you, I would never use you being trans against you. And it breaks my heart that you think I’d do this to you to keep you from finding other safe people”

Oliver stared at him. “Yeah. All best friends who love each other act like complete idiots every time their friend makes a new connection. That’s what love is. My mistake. I should have known. Man- how dare you.”

Oliver turned and left the apartment, grabbing the red scarf as he went. Chris stood there. He didn’t know how he was ever going to fix this. 

Oliver walked along the bridge, tears soaking into the red scarf he had wrapped around his face. Chris had always called him his best friend, he’d even made comments alluding to loving him before but this time it hurt so deeply Oliver was surprised he wasn’t physically bleeding from the wounds. It had sounded different. It had sounded like he loved him not just loved him like a friend and it made the reality so much crueler and painful. Having the dream dangled in front of him and then pulled away with the realisation of what Chris actually meant. 

He walked until his calves hurt and the tears had dried in sticky rivulets down his cheeks. He hadn’t handled the situation particularly well, he had gotten more angry and upset than he had expected and sooner too. It was a mess. Chris could have just apologised and they could have laughed and talked about what an idiot he had been and had some cheesecake. Instead he had let his insecurities bubble up and take the conversation over so completely. What had him being trans to do with anything? Absolutely nothing. Chris was his rock, he’d never use his being trans against him and he knew that. So why on earth did he say it? Why did he make it about that? It had just.. gotten away from him. He was so sensitive about his secret and Chris knew that. Oliver had now done worse than Chris and had left Chris feeling like he couldn’t be trusted and like he was some user or something. It was no wonder Chris didn’t love, love him. Maybe the truth that he only loved him as a friend would help him move on. He was so tired of feeling like this. 

Chris was exhausted suddenly and stunned. He couldn’t believe that Oliver would think something as horrible as that about him. Sure he’d been rude to Oliver’s new friend but he wasn’t trying to be Oliver’s only choice was he? He wasn’t trying to keep him with him out of some sense of blackmail or obligation? He would never do that. And he’d almost confessed! Despite literally just telling himself he wasn’t going to. Luckily Oliver saw it as nothing but a best friend admitting affection so he wasn’t going to have explain that which was something at least he supposed. God he was a mess. He just wanted to grab Oliver and shake him and tell him he loved him over and over until he believed him but he knew it could never happen. It would take a miracle for Oliver to see that he could be loved. Exactly for who he was and without any doubt. He was tired of feeling like this.