Not Much, Yet More

Author: VALMRY

Illustrator: Siren Baroque

 “Jason, thank you for coming in at such short notice,” the doctor said. He smiled slightly, knowing it wasn’t good news. “We looked at your results and it shows you have…” His voice began to fade out as he tried to listen. “…I’m afraid at this point all we can do is treat the symptoms, we don’t have cure options.” He felt his thoughts go blank. “Jason?” His attention snapped up and he smiled, “Sure. Could you repeat that?”

Jason walked along the city streets, looking up at the sky that was a more beautiful shade of blue that day. He made his way back to his dorm, entering his room before finally flopping down onto his bed. His eyes stared intently at the ceiling.

Just like that, everything he had worked for in the last 21 years of his life, was thrown out the window. What was he supposed to do exactly? He heard the door open and close, his roommate coming in. Danny, his roommate, was what everyone at college called the odd kid out. They avoided him like the plague, yet he always held this mysterious aura about him that attracted so much attention. His attention, to be exact.

He noticed him from a photo he had taken from the first day at college with his friend and vice-captain. His expression drew him in, making him want to room with Danny when he had suggested the pairing to the dorm officer.

Danny didn’t spare him a glance as he dropped his bag and grabbed his towel to go shower. The headphones were in his ears so he couldn’t hear him even if Jason spoke out. So what did he have to lose?

“Hey,” he called in a soft but calm way, “you know any good places to go pick up someone?”

He had never done anything outside his comfort zone. He always kept a schedule, always followed the rules, and always tried to be the best person everyone expected him to be. He honestly thought he would be rewarded for it. But this? No, it wasn’t a reward to him. It seemed more like a punishment. He didn’t expect Danny to respond at all, but he stopped and glanced his way. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.” Danny looked at him like he was an alien and then shrugged with a deep sigh.

“Yeah, I know a few spots. What’s your preference?” Jason looked at him confused.

“Guy, girl, both? Kinky, tame?” Danny asked him, a slight smirk playing on his lips.

He didn’t know his type, he had never thought about it until that very moment. When someone had asked him in the past, he had always responded that he didn’t have time to date. “I don’t know, let’s try it all out.”

Danny looked at him surprised, like his roommate had just been replaced. It was nice to know he could still surprise someone. People tended to think of him as predictable, but his answer ended up with them at a nightclub. Danny eyed him suspiciously every few minutes, like Jason was planning on playing some elaborate prank on him.

“Anyone catch your fancy?” Danny asked him.

He looked around, not at all interested in any of the people floating by. He probably needed a drink to do this. He turned and ordered a strong shot, knowing his tolerance sucked.

“What’s with you?” Danny asked.

“What do you mean?” he responded after his second shot.

“You’re straight laced, you’re never like this.”

He glared at Danny, catching him off guard. If there was anyone here that caught his interest, it was his mysterious roommate. It was the reason why he had decided to room with him. Anyone else, and he wouldn’t have tried to get close to them like this.

“Is that what I seem like?” he asked, giving away a slight smirk.

Danny rubbed his head, unsure about what exactly was happening. Jason needed a few more in him in order to do anything with anyone. Why? He was just a coward, always afraid of doing too much or too little. Having some drinks in him, he felt like he could do anything. He eyed a girl next to him who was talking to her friend.

“Hey!” Startled they looked over to him, slightly unsure.

“He says I’m too straight laced. I’m testing the waters, so are you dating anyone?” She smiled embarrassingly. “No.”

“Great, kiss me.”

Her friend giggled as she grabbed his shirt, pulling him into a deep kiss. He felt nothing. It was like staring nose tipped against a brick wall and tasting it, only to pull back and remember the desert you had earlier was so much better.

“I hope that helped, call me sometime?” she asked, handing him her number.

He took it and smirked as they walked off, not wanting to be rude. Danny looked at him like he had gone completely insane.

“Dude, what was that?” he asked.

“That was my first kiss,” he announced and ordered another drink. Danny looked taken back, like that wasn’t the response he was looking for.

“Ok, guess I need to try something else out,” Jason responded.

He looked around and spotted a guy hanging out around a group of people. How did someone tell if another person was gay or not? Were there in-betweens?

“Dude, you’re not seriously going to try kissing a dude are you?” He looked at Danny judgingly. “Are you being bias right now?”

Danny had nothing to say, his words caught in his throat, as Jason called the bar tender over for questioning.

“Help a dude out, who is gay in here?” he asked. The bartender gave him an interesting look and pointed to another group in the other corner.

“They usually hang out over there.” He tipped him and grabbed his drink before scoping the area out.

“Jason, I really think you should just chill out man.”

“Who’s being straight laced now?” he questioned.

Danny gave him an irritated look. “If I had known you were going to be like this, I wouldn’t have brought you out.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re the freaking MVP of college sports? You know how much trouble you will get into if you’re caught up in a scandal?”

Jason lost his humor, his smile fading. No he wasn’t, not anymore. No one knew that except himself. “Fine, take responsibility then.”

“What?”

“I need to know what I like, so if you won’t let me go test it out, you do it.”

He knew Danny would back down, there was no way his roommate was interested in men at all. He couldn’t count how many times he had seen the sock on his door and a chick walking out afterwards. Danny looked at him completely stupefied. He laughed at the look and finished his drink. He then walked over to the group and started a conversation.

Jason had no idea what he was doing and Danny knew that. What Jason didn’t know was that all those attempts of sleeping with a girl, had failed miserably. So bad, in fact, that he couldn’t pick anyone up at that bar anymore.

“Shit, I’m going to hate myself in the morning,” Danny responded to himself.

He stormed up to Jason and dragged him off as he protested. It was clear he couldn’t hold his liquor at all, especially since he couldn’t even walk straight as he helped him outside into the fresh air.

“What the hell man?” Jason questioned in slurs.

“Come on, were going back.”

Jason pushed him away slightly, but couldn’t even fight back as he put his arm around his shoulder. Jason had been Danny’s roommate for three years in a row and he had never, ever, seen him like this before. Something clearly happened.

“Hey Danny,” he mumbled.

“What?”

“Do you think that God hates people that act like I do?” He stopped and looked down at him, something had defiantly happened.

“I don’t believe in God, can’t tell you the answer to that.”

“I guess so.”

They continued until they reached their dorm room and he helped him into bed. He took his sneakers and socks off, pulling his shirt up and off him. This guy was a total mess and Danny knew it in that moment.

“Danny.” His name on his lips seemed strange, but he didn’t mind it.

“What?”

“I think you’re awesome.” He couldn’t help but laugh.

“Is that so, why is that?”

“Because you do whatever the fuck you want.” Danny stared down at him, swearing was a first too.

“Jason, what’s really going on?” he asked, starting to become really concerned.

Jason stared up at him and reached for his hand. He hesitated, slowly letting him tangle his fingers with his own.

“Can I ask you something?”

Danny lowered himself to the side of the bed, not letting go of his hand. He didn’t know why, but he felt that if he let go of his hand, Jason was going to disappear.

“Sure, you have been all night.”

Jason stared at him, his eyes betraying his serious expression. He looked like he was about to break and Danny didn’t like seeing his roommate that way. It was true they barely exchanged any words over the course of staying in the same room for three years, but they knew each other’s habits. This wasn’t one of Jason’s habits.

“If something happened and it changed everything you have been working for in an instant, you just suddenly realized it was all meaningless, what would you do?”

Was he questioning his choice of study? Was this what was going on?

“Everyone has doubts Jason. If you don’t have meaning in what you do anymore, just change it to something you can find meaning in.”

“That’s it? Just like that?”

“Yeah, just like that.” Jason stared at him and reached forward, grabbing his shirt.

“Come on man, what are you doing?” Danny jested.

Jason pulled him closer and leaned in, Danny caught his breath. Was he really about to kiss him? Danny could hear his heart pounding a mile a minute and froze as he was just an inch away. Jason looked up at him and smiled. Yeah, he had figured out his preference already. That was why he didn’t find the need to look elsewhere. Danny was someone who had captivated his attention since the first day. Jason resigned himself, he couldn’t do this to him, knowing it was too selfish.

“Just kidding, sucker,” he laughed, and pushed him away. Danny, who was still startled, looked at him in confusion as he laid down and closed his eyes before passing out. What just happened?

***

When Jason woke up, it wasn’t morning but afternoon. Normally, he’d be at practice by now and in the middle of training. He looked over at the empty bed across from his own and sighed heavily. He came really close to fucking up last night. He guessed he should probably keep it up today.

He dragged himself out of bed and managed to get himself together enough to head to the main office. He looked at the paperwork lining the bins on the wall and grabbed the necessary one. He filled it out and handed it to the desk clerk who looked up at him like he had three heads.

“Jason, are you sure about this? Should I call the coach?” she asked.

“Nope, just do it.”

“Okay…” She looked at him like he had a mental breakdown, maybe he had?

“I’ve never seen someone switch from an athletic major to a psychology major before,” she muttered.

“Guess you can add it to your list of things not to be surprised about in the future,” he jested.

She gave him a concerned look as she had him sign off, picking his new classes before leaving. He knew he was going to get a lot of shit for this, but he didn’t feel like explaining himself.

He walked for a long time, getting lost once in a while when he dazed off. Eventually, he ended up in front of his dorm room. He wasn’t surprised to find half the team waiting for him. Doug was the soccer team’s vice-captain and he looked pissed as he approached him.

“Jason? What the hell?” he asked. The others didn’t get involved yet, watching what was going to happen.

“What?” he asked mildly, reaching for his door knob. Doug grabbed his wrist, stopping him from going in.

“I think you know what. So, you just quit without any notice and disappear? Coach said you even changed academic courses? What the hell is with you man? You’re our captain!” He used to understand his devotion, he used to get it. Now, things were different.

“Things change Doug, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.”

“That’s bullshit, everyone here knows your number one! You’re Jason Carson, the famous mid fielder who demolishes anything in his path!”

The guys let out shouts of agreement, drawing attention from other people in the hallway. “Not anymore dude, sorry. Really, I am.”

He opened the door and shut it behind him. He paused, realizing Danny was lying on his bed waiting. He dropped his bag and pulled out his new text books, sitting at his desk. If he was going to catch up, he needed to start right away.

“You know when you asked me for advice, I didn’t think you were going to do a 180. You sure this is what you want?” Jason sighed impatiently, tired of hearing about it by now.

“If you have something to say, either say it or keep it to yourself.”

He heard Danny get up and approach him. The closeness of his body against his back was gaining his attention more than the textbook. “Psychology, seriously?”

“Yep, seriously.”

“Can I ask why?” He paused, tapping his pen against his notebook.

“I want to help other people.”

“There are tons of ways to do that you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

But there weren’t many ways he could work where it wouldn’t interfere with his life to an extreme level. At least this way he could have his own hours. There was no guarantee he could even open his own practice or get that far, but it would give him something he could show.

“Okay, let me know if you need help.” He looked up startled, not expecting him to be okay with it.

“What?” Danny questioned.

“Nothing, I just didn’t expect you to be so understanding.”

“Not my choice, why would I care?”

Right, it wasn’t his future. He did wonder what classes he was taking though, Danny was studying for a PHD in something.

“You have any notes on these classes?” he asked.

Danny looked down at his schedule and nodded. He pulled out three or four notebooks and dropped them on his desk.

“They’re not useful to me anymore, keep them if you want.”

Danny dropped onto his bed and put in his headphones. Jason started to smile, suddenly happier that he had quit sports.

***