Jason was in and out of consciousness several times, trying to stay awake. He was so tired, he almost fell asleep a few times before being woke up by Danny. He could barely make out his incoherent voice, but he still couldn’t tell if he was awake or dreaming in-between.

Danny was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head between his legs. “Why the hell didn’t you just say something you prick?”

Jason was annoyed, he wanted to yell at him. He wanted to let out all his frustrations and let go completely.

“How could I? Don’t you get my feelings at all?” he struggled to say.

“No, I don’t. You never talk to me!” Jason knew he was right, but he was still angry.

“I never asked for you to care! I never asked for you to buy my medication, or let me move in. Yet you did, and then I found out how much my medication really was. Do you have any idea how guilty I feel about it?”

“So what, what’s wrong with me taking care of you?”

“Danny, I’m gay okay? There are so many things that could go wrong for you! Why do you have to be so stubborn? Why can’t you just let me go already, for your own sake?”

Danny was silent, Jason making sure he never looked at his face. He couldn’t take much more of this situation anyway. He was fed up with living as it was, the unbearable pain was corrupting his thoughts entirely. How could he even remotely make a reasonable choice in this state? He knew when this situation died down, he would regret having pushed Danny away. Still, he knew it was for the best if he did.

“Screw you.” His harsh words made him stop thinking all together, his mind going blank. “You never even asked me what I wanted. You just made this decision by yourself and expected me to go along with it.”

What exactly was he saying? Jason was frustrated, he didn’t want Danny to suffer any more than necessary. He should have never let him into his life the way he had, because now there was no stopping his own feelings.

“Danny, were friends and I’m trying to protect you.”

“I think it has nothing to do with protecting me, I think your just afraid.”

Afraid? No, he was terrified. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back a little more. He had no energy to argue with him anymore. As the silence grew longer, he finally drifted off to sleep. When he woke, Danny was still huddled into a ball on his bed next to him sitting upright. It must have been such an uncomfortable position.

He leaned forward, feeling better now that the medication had kicked in. He tried reaching for the pill bottle and the water, but was stopped by Danny’s strong hand.

“I got it, lay back down.” He didn’t argue, just letting him do what he wanted.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” he asked.

His sudden glare could kill, making him shut his mouth immediately. “Ask me that again and see what happens.” His threat was ultra-clear, he shouldn’t mess with him today.

He handed him his pills and the water, not saying anything as his cool hand felt his forehead. Why was he touching his forehead? As if knowing his thoughts, he answered like clockwork.

“You had a pretty bad fever last night, I just want to make sure it went down. Between the stress, pain, and inflammation, I’m really surprised it did. I’m going to give you another anti-inflammatory.”

Wait, another? Did he already give him his medication? He didn’t remember it at all and the more he tried, the more frustrated he got.

“What?” Danny asked, noticing his frustration.

“When did you give me my medication?” Danny stared at him and then quickly looked away. What was that? Danny would never tell him what he did because he was turned on by it. He felt like a predator getting turned on by French kissing his best friend while he was incapacitated. What made it even worse, was the fact that his medication he had tasted on his tongue was a lot stronger than he anticipated. As a result, he lost control of his lower region.

“I just did, I’m cooking breakfast, and you better eat.” What had gotten into him?

When breakfast was finished, he almost tried to force feed him. This new development in their relationship was driving Jason mad.

“Look, I get your trying to help, but I can’t eat anymore.”

“Why not? Does it hurt too much still?”

Jason knew he didn’t know any better, but he kind of loved how clueless of an idiot he could be sometimes.

“No, it’s not that. The medication really messes with my stomach.”

“Which is why it says to take it with food.”

“No, what I mean is, that what I’m currently eating makes me sicker to my stomach. My indigestion sucks from years of treatment from different medications. I can’t just eat anything I want to anymore.”

He looked down, fidgeting with the egg he had cooked up. The egg looked really good, but he felt like puking. He swallowed nervously, staring at the egg didn’t help his upset stomach either and he could feel his mouth begin to water. This resulted in him stumbling to the bathroom, Danny trying to help him get there. This was by far the most embarrassing moment so far that he could remember. Then he remembered the night Danny had kissed him and retracted that thought immediately.

He felt Danny rub his back as he threw up in the toilet, his sudden willpower to argue plummeting. As a result, the rest of the day and the next two days were the same. He finally managed to convince Danny to go back to work, before turning his attention back to his own missed work and classes.

Even missing one day set him back a week, so missing four was really bad. He ended up making an agreement with Danny about avoiding paying any rent until he caught up, taking a leave from work itself. He felt bad, but he couldn’t just ignore his studies.

***

Time passed again, the months going by quickly. Their relationship improved because Danny began coming home earlier. He also nagged at him constantly throughout the day all the time, asking him if he took his medication, if he ate, and if he managed to get his work in or needed help. It was a constant annoyance but he liked it. He hadn’t felt this way in a long time, the feeling of being doted on. He knew it was because he had pushed everyone else away.

Still, other than those small changes, nothing else had progressed. He felt more conflicted and uncertain than ever. He knew how he felt, he could only guess how Danny felt, and he knew it could never work out. Why? He was going to die, it was only a matter of time. He felt like he was running out of time to break away cleanly and responsibly. Why was he hesitating so much?

He pondered on it endlessly, not sure how to deal with his own emotions anymore. He somehow managed to graduate college despite his new addiction to using alcohol to dim the pain and frustration of his life.

He was leaving the house one day, when he walked out to see his father waiting for him. He hadn’t seen his old man in quite a few years, and Danny noticed the weight he had lost.

“Do you have a moment?”

“Not really, I’m on my way to work.”

“Right. Can we meet after?”

He hesitated, unsure, but agreed anyway. What could his father possibly want now? Later that evening, he was surprised to find out that his father had wanted to apologize. They went to a nearby café, picking a table in a corner to have more privacy.

“I’m sorry.” He looked at his father dumbstruck, not even sure what he was apologizing for.

“What for?”

“For not believing in you when I should have. I honestly thought you were just going through a phase and didn’t think you would follow through with it.” Of course not. What controlling, egotistical parent ever did?

“Well, it happened. Not much you can do now, right?” he pointed out.

His father nervously rubbed his hands into balled fists. Why was he really here? There had to be something else because he waited all those years to find him.

“I just need to ask you something.”

“What?”

“Is it true?” He had no idea what he was talking about. Was he supposed to?

“Is what true?”

“I looked into that boy’s family…” His body went rigid, feeling uncontrollable anger starting to seep in. “…I contacted them to confirm it myself. They respected your privacy of course, but I need to know the truth.”

“What is it exactly you want to ask?” he glared. His father stared at him, mixed emotions between worry and fear over his face.

“Are you gay?” He didn’t hesitate, not interested in playing any sort of game.

“Yes. Anything else you want to ask?” His father paused and swallowed, now looking distraught.

“Are you dating the kid that you roomed with? Did he make you this way?”

He felt his patience snap, his cup beginning to crush in on itself. Lucky, he had already drank most of his coffee and was just holding it to channel his aggression.

“No one made me this way, unless you count genetics,” he deadpanned. His father looked down in shame.

“If you’re worried about never having grandchildren, don’t be.” A hopeful look crossed his father’s face, what exactly was he imagining?

“So you still plan on getting married?”

“Nope.” The hope in his eyes died. Good, it was better that way.

“I don’t ever plan on getting married to anyone, man or woman.”

“Why?”

He stared at him straight, looking at his father’s face that was preparing for the inevitable. “Do you really want to know, or is it just for your pride?” he asked.

“I’m your father, of course I want to know.”

He took in a deep breath, wondering why he was even bothering. He didn’t owe him any sort of explanation since he had chosen to practically disown him. Yet, somewhere deep inside himself, he wanted closure. So he took his time and explained to his father the exact reason why he would never marry. The longer he talked, the more crushed his father looked. It made him feel worse, like he had made some horrible mistake. Still, he didn’t regret his choice.

By the time he was done, his father was in tears, trying to hide his sobbing. He stood, not wanting to talk anymore. He had enough of life now, he was done with it all. He had said what he wanted to say to at least one person. Wasn’t that enough?

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He spoke his words to his father, not for him, but his own sake. He wanted to leave this life with peace of mind. If he made his father suffer for something he didn’t know about or wasn’t responsible for, it wouldn’t be fair at all and he knew he would regret it.

It didn’t change how he felt inside, his chest was riddled with anxiety as he thought about how to break things off all together with Danny. He hadn’t even realized he was wandering all the way to Danny’s work place. He had only gone there a couple times in order to bring him something he had forgotten.

It was at this exact moment, he spotted Danny laughing at something in conversation with a group of woman. The sight reaffirmed his thoughts, Danny deserved better than him. It was time he finally tried to move on from him, and spare Danny any harsher pain than necessary. Sucking in a deep breath, he returned to his older habits and sought out his favorite bar.

The bar tender greeted him, recognizing him instantly. He remained polite as he started to sip on his drinks, letting the alcohol take him wherever it was leading him that night. That just so happened to be a strikingly good looking blond.

“Well now, you’re sure drinking a lot. Care to have another shot with me?” he asked.

“Sure,” he smirked.

This led to several exchanges in conversation before he paid their tab and let the blond take him home. As they reached his apartment, he turned to look at him in earnest.

“You sure about this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked.

“Well, based on what you described earlier, I’d say this would be a hook up to get over some ex or something.”

“Long time crush.”

He let out an ‘ah’ in acknowledgement as he opened the door. The door slammed shut behind them and he instantly felt his large body against his.

“Then let’s do it together, I’m in the same boat mate.”

“Is that so?” he chuckled, letting his kiss sway him.

He felt his arms wrap around his waist, pulling him into a hold. It didn’t feel quite right, it wasn’t the same heat as Danny. What was he thinking? This was why he was here, wasn’t it? He let him kiss him, the heat of the moment starting to change his mind. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.

The blond picked him up, surprising him by carrying him to his bed. He laid him down and took off his shirt. Jason stared at the chiseled chest, finding it odd that he felt it wasn’t quite up to his standard. Shouldn’t it be?

“You don’t seem too sure about this to me,” he stated, sucking on his neck.

“It’s fine, keep going.”

He could feel the pressure building up inside him, desperately wanting release. His breathing became labored, slight moans escaping as the blond removed his clothes and began to touch him. He grabbed the lubricant from the side of the bed and applied it to his fingers, gently starting to stroke him.

As he let out an excited and desperate moan, he heard his phone ring. He ignored it, letting himself get consumed by the blond on top of him who was kissing and sucking at his chest. Still, the phone kept ringing.

“You want to get that?” he asked.

Fuck, this was annoying. He had an inkling he knew who it was, so he ignored it again. The phone went off again, making him feel angry.

“You know, it could be really important.”

“Fine,” he snipped.

He bent over the bed and reached for his phone, which was still in his back pocket. Just as he grabbed it, the phone lighting up, he felt the blond pull at his hips and push his fingers deep into him. He let out a surprised gasp, accidentally taking the call.

“Jason?” Danny answered. He felt his hard on die instantly and let out a long and frustrated breath.

“What?” he answered, clearly angry.

“You didn’t come home, I was worried.”

“I forgot to text you, I’m out with a friend right now. I won’t be back until tomorrow.”

There was silence at the other end, Danny was listening intently. The blond knew this, seeing the look on Jason’s face made him want to toy with the man over the phone.

“Jason, come on, hang up so we can have fun,” he whispered into his ear. It was just close enough for Danny to hear and Jason flinched away. This made it even clearer that the man on the phone was his long time crush. The blond understood his frustration more than he knew and backed off, his hands up in surrender.

“Where are you right now?” Danny asked, his voice hard and hostile.