***

Recovery hadn’t gone the way they wanted it to, having to keep Jason in the hospital an extra week. His memory slowly started to come back, it was something he had no control over. Small, subtle things, would trigger various memories.

They weren’t entirely sure what sort of damage his resulting deaths left inside his body, so the doctor warned against too many overwhelming things at once. His sensory defiantly needed work, which was why he remained at the hospital for longer than planned.

Still, after that, Danny was able to bring him back home. The comfort of his own bed was something Jason wasn’t expecting to feel ecstatic about. He still needed help doing menial tasks, but life gradually got better. At least, he got better that is.

About six months later, Jason was on pins and needles. While he had understood that Danny was respecting his space and trying to make sure he had properly recovered, Jason was deprived. Severely deprived. He wasn’t happy with Danny’s abstinence, and there was something that was still lingering unfinished between them. They didn’t talk about what had happened for that brief weekend before he got surgery.

Truth was, Jason was starting to wonder if the experience of him almost dying had somehow changed the perspective he had on having a relationship with Jason. People don’t usually just accept those situations, yet he had.

Then again, he had been asleep for a couple months, which was a long enough time for him to recover from the shock. As he thought about it more, the more it bothered him. He seemed to be externally ignorant of showing his feelings to anyone.

He was taking a shower, letting the water rinse over him as he thought about all that sex they had. About how Danny had kissed him, how his hands slid over his body, how he pushed into him, and how Jason clung to him in desperation. Just thinking about the desperation, the passion, and all the spots in the house they had marked that weekend, made him get excited.

He groaned in agony, reaching for the soap. Danny wasn’t home, he had gone out for food since it was the weekend. A quickie would be okay, right? He thought about how he had held out for so long hoping the jerk living with him would just fuck him already, and then looked down at his own hard on. The likelihood of that happening anytime soon was now super slim. A quickie had to suffice. What he wasn’t aware of, was that Danny was already back.

He looked around the house for him until he reached the bathroom. Normally, he would knock and walk in. This time, the door was open slightly and he paused as he listened to the moans inside. Danny’s face flushed in excitement as he listened to Jason pleasure himself, swallowing down the urge the bust the door down and drag him to the room after hearing him call his name.

Danny had been keeping his distance, wanting to make sure he was completely okay before trying to do anything that may bring him harm. This didn’t help his sexual urges though, being so close to him was tough.

After the first month, Jason insisted they sleep in the same bed. Then it became even worse as he constantly seemed to be doing things that encouraged physical contact. Danny wasn’t sure he could hold himself back, not wanting to hurt his lover.

He wasn’t sure if Jason was able to get hard at all, surgery often left sexual side effects. Listening to Jason, it was clear he was ready to have sex again. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, listening to him. He didn’t have the courage to go in yet, but imagining it wasn’t a crime, right?

He imagined stroking his cock, toying with his hole while his own member rubbed against his butt cheeks. His lips slowly kissing against the back of his shoulder blade and neck, as Jason squirmed against him. How we wanted to make him squirm against him, knowing he was the one bringing him to ecstasy.

As Jason came to a climax, he came to the sudden realization that he had cum on his own. He silently cursed at himself for acting like an adolescent child, booking it to the bedroom as he heard the shower head turn off.

He played it off, not letting it show on his face that he had heard it all and got off on it. Even as he set the table for dinner, and Jason came out in his comfortable clothes with the towel around his shoulders, he tried not to give away his anxiety. He thought about his moans, unable to control his own thoughts.

“What’s for dinner?” he asked.

“BBQ chicken, briskets, mashed potatoes, salad, and corn with some light soy bean soup.”

“Sounds good.”

He stared a little too long at the dripping water falling from Jason’s hair as he sat down and helped himself. Unable to fight the urge, he reached for the towel and lightly stroked his collarbone in the process. Standing behind him while he was sitting, Danny could see Jason hesitating at his touch.

It was one thing when he tried to be absent minded, another to silently see how his passes were affecting his partner. It was a defiant turn on moment as his fingers gently stroked through his hair. “What did I tell you about drying your hair out?” he said lightly.

Jason recognized the difference in his tone, knowing his mood wasn’t on the same level as before. If he had said that at any other moment, he would have probably thought he was criticizing him. In that moment, he was clearly flirting with him.

“I don’t know, what did you say?” he smirked, playing it out. Jason wanted to know what he would do, his heart pounding in his chest.

The sliding of Danny’s fingers against the bottom of his throat, all the way to his chin, was totally unexpected as he pulled his attention to look up at him.

“Your health always comes first, we’ve talked about this.” The look in his eyes showed he was dead serious, but once again his tone was somewhere between playful and sexy as hell. Jason couldn’t help but instinctually lick his lips. Danny’s gaze moved to his lips, his breathing deep.

“What are you thinking about?” Danny asked. Jason stared into his eyes, getting lost in them for a moment before responding. “How I’d like to eat you for dinner right now.”

The direct invitation was out there, Jason not sure if he would accept it or not. The suspense was killing him, not sure if his heart would hold as he heard it through his ears. “Isn’t that supposed to be dessert?”

There it was, he was deflecting again. Although none of his previous attempts had been this direct, he recognized the verbal remark and tone as rejection. The light dimmed in his eyes as his smirk simmered to a light smile and he looked back down to his plate.

“Sure. We should eat before it gets cold.” Jason retracted, reaching for his fork as Danny pulled away. Danny wasn’t sure what he had done wrong, just that the moment had died.

When bed rolled around, Jason was oddly silent as he lay down next him. Danny rolled over, wrapping his arms around his waist in comfort. He was self-conscious, wondering how he had killed the mood. He had meant what he said, wanting to continue things after dinner. Yet it seemed that Jason wasn’t in the mood anymore. Since Jason was no longer in the mood, it had also killed his mood. Maybe some other time?

He closed his eyes to fall asleep, Jason still awake next to him as he drifted off. Jason had been hoping he would make the first move, trying to make sure he was sincere about wanting him before. The disappointment was crushing as he realized he had given his hopes up once more, his chest feeling overly heavy and pained.

It was a familiar feeling he had experienced for countless years. The feeling between being silently suffocated with bitter disappointment and resentment, to acceptance that it was a miscalculation and just not the right time.

He shouldn’t feel this way, right? They were together, yet he felt utterly rejected as a partner altogether. Was this right? Was feeling this way the answer to being with the only person he could ever truly, deeply, inevitably love?

Danny wasn’t like him, he wasn’t secure with the thought that Jason was a reason to exist. That was how Jason had felt, Danny was the sole reason he was alive. While Danny could probably think about other things, do other things, talk about other things, and be with other people, Jason could never do it. Even when he had tried to have sexual relations with other men, Jason could only do things thinking about him.

When going to a store, Jason’s thoughts were about what he would want to eat. When getting gas, he thought about how Danny would have been chilly, standing out in the cold while pumping it. When eating dinner, he wondered if Danny really liked what they were eating or if he should make him something different. Even in that very moment, lying in bed feeling the way he did, he was thinking about cuddling to him just because Danny liked it when he did.

He rolled over, squashing his feelings and reaching out to Danny. He let him snuggle into his chest and softly kissed the top of his head. His fingers brushed against his hair slightly in comfort, not even sure if he was doing it for Danny or for himself anymore. He could never stay mad at him, yet he was terrified he was going to shatter inside.

After spending so many years fighting something that wasn’t going anywhere, he now had to decide if his decision to stay alive was the right choice. He had accepted not being able to obtain the thing he wanted, and had learned to live with that choice. Now that he had it due to chance, the feeling was completely refreshing and overwhelming. He wasn’t sure he was allowed to feel this way at all.

It was like trying to fill a bottomless cup to the rim. There was no way to overflow it at all, so there was no way he couldn’t have enough of Danny’s love. The problem was that Danny wasn’t the kind of person to shower him in an overbearing love the way he wanted him to.

While he did so many tedious and menial tasks, all with the purpose of taking care of Jason, he never made those snap decisions to reach out and grab something he wanted. He held himself back, always waiting for the right moment or making responses that neither benefited him right away nor shut down the possibility of more.

Even before his surgery, he had pushed him to a breaking point before Danny actually responded with force and took him as a result. While he didn’t think it was a good idea to actively push his buttons the way he had, he didn’t mind him voicing and acting on his thoughts like that regularly so Jason could know what he was thinking. He just wanted to know how to make Danny happier so he could be happy too, as selfish as that was.

As he tightened his hold on Danny and his eyes closed, he thought about the possibility that he would never want the same things as him. He wouldn’t want to drop what he was doing when a spark of lust happened to pop up at the right moment, no matter how inconvenient sometimes. He wouldn’t want to randomly pop into stores when he saw something interesting in the window with him because he was too tired. He wouldn’t want to decide at a last moment, even if he had barely anything in his pocket, to go out and eat pastries together to give Jason air to experience the world around him.

Jason was starved from the world, not able to experience a lot of the things he had wanted to all because of his health. If Danny was with him, it was okay, because he wouldn’t have to be worried about what would happen if he was alone. He trusted Danny, and Danny only, to take care of him if he collapsed in the middle of the street.

Jason was inclined to believe that due to Danny’s actions, Danny didn’t realize just how much Jason wanted to give him. How much he valued his existence, and how much he desperately wanted to consume Danny into his life because it brought him the only comfort and safety he had felt in his life.

“I love you.” Jason’s emotional words fell in the silence, his sleep finally breaking his thoughts.

***

Something was wrong. Ever since the night things had gone south at dinner, Jason had been keeping a distance from Danny. Their texts become shorter and less frequent, he lost interest in activities whenever they did manage to go out, and then it was an almost silent dinner before sleep.

It didn’t matter if they cuddled or kissed, Jason didn’t act out like he had been before. He didn’t try to spontaneously flirt with him or make passes any more. He was beginning to wonder if Jason loved him anymore. Where was all this going? What did he have to do to break the silence that seemed to exist between their words of greeting and parting?

They slept in bed together, but they didn’t have sex. Since that day, he thought they’d have sex maybe once every couple weeks. Danny wasn’t concerned about it, but it seemed Jason was retracting away from his attempts.

At first he thought he was a terrible lay, he didn’t have as much experience with men as women. When he confronted Jason about his standards, Jason replied that he loved being with him. Taking that as face value, he let it go. Then, he overheard a conversation at work, and wasn’t sure what to think.

“So your saying your deprived?” one of the employees asked.

“Look, I love my girl okay? It’s just she doesn’t need sex as much as I do, and it’s making me really anxious. Like, am I just a pervert? Does she hate perverts? What will she do if she realizes just how much I want it? Every time I try to make a pass at her, I question myself because she responds like I’m annoying or just takes it as a joke.”

“Man, you should just be happy you have a girlfriend. Why are you complaining?” the other employee asked.

“You guys won’t understand until you try to make someone you genuinely fall in love with, stay with you no matter what. It’s like I’ve become this desperate, pathetic person who just says yes to everything.”

Something inside him became triggered, realizing that sounded a lot like Jason. Even if he had a difference of opinion, he eventually gave in and did what Danny wanted. If it was a choice in movie, if it was where to eat for dinner, if it was when or where to go out, and even something as small as what they wanted in their fridge that week.

Was Jason really deprived of his affection in a sexual way? He couldn’t help it if he was tired all the time and didn’t have bountiful energy, or that some things were just stressful to think about and it affected his mood.

When Jason texted him he wouldn’t be home that night during lunch, he felt an uneasy pit of anxiety inside him. It reminded him of the night he had come home really late after that almost hook-up. He wasn’t going to cheat on him or leave him because he didn’t want to have sex all the time, right?

***