***

Jason had sent his text, turning his phone on silent before walking into the hotel restaurant. He had been pining over what to do for weeks, months had gone by with no change. It was exhausting and he needed to take a break, even if it was just for one night. So tomorrow, he could try to salvage whatever hope he had left to move forward. It would be a new day to start fresh and maybe have a new outlook.

Everything in his life was uncertain now that his life hadn’t ended. He didn’t know if the sensible work he had chosen to make a profession in was worth it anymore. He didn’t know if he wanted to continue living where he was at or find a new place. He didn’t know if he wanted chicken or steak right now. All he did know, was that a life without Danny in every part of his day wasn’t his life.

He sat at the bar and ordered, watching the game while slowly eating away at plates of food. To anyone else it would look like a weirdo freeloader who was binging because he got dumped while enjoying a premiere of Sunday football. Later into the evening, he heard a voice he hadn’t been expecting.

“Well, if it isn’t the high school crush?”

He turned and saw blonde smiling back at him. What was this pompous little prick doing even saying hello to him? Jason’s face said it all, and the blonde offered a peace symbol. “Can I sit?”

Jason didn’t answer, still trying to decide between killing him and dumping his body somewhere, or throwing his whole plate of food in his face and humiliating him before walking away. “I can’t tell you where to sit, it’s a free country,” he sniped.

The blonde chuckled and took a seat, ordering them a couple of shots. The blonde turned to him and flashed a smile that made him want to burn off his flesh. “I’m sorry.”

The blonde’s apology made him soften, but not enough to forgive him. “What I did was terrible, I’m truly sorry.”

“You mean intentionally stalking me, picking me up at a bar, bringing me back to the apartment of my ex best friend to sleep with, knowing all along that he had feelings for me?”

“Yeah, that. You make it sound so much worse actually.”

“Good, because it was next level shit of jealousy.”

The blonde cheered his glass to that and drank some. “My name is Chris, by the way.”

“Don’t care.”

“Wow, you really hate me.”

“Yes, I do.”

The blonde laughed. If it wasn’t for this jackass, he’d be dead and wouldn’t have to worry about even taking these breaks from Danny to begin with. He fidgeted with his glass, wondering if he would be better off dead after all.

“Well, if I wasn’t such a screw up, I guess a lot of things wouldn’t have happened.” He glanced towards Chris, seeing his expression go sad.

“Things not work out with Doug?” Chris looked at him startled, going speechless.

“What?”

“You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

Chris sucked in a deep breath and let it out before taking a swig of his drink and speaking, his voice wavering.

“That night, Doug and I had slept together on the spur of the moment after what you said to him. In the morning he was gone, had left a message that he had something to take care of. Sunday night he was on his way back when he was struck while trying to cross the street to get to our apartment.”

Doug…was dead? Jason felt nauseous.

“He had gone all the way to a special shop to get a matching pair of rings. I still keep them on me as a reminder of sorts, always wondering what he had wanted to possibly say or tell me. Wondering if it was never for me at all, but you instead.”

“What would make you think that?” he asked, starting to feel overburdened by the conversation.

“He told me that he thought your love for your crush was the closest thing to actual love he had ever seen. It was raw, powerful, and yet one look at the two of you and it was an instant realization. He said it made him think I want that too.”

He felt guilty, that he hadn’t been there. That he didn’t go to the funeral and he didn’t know where he was even buried.

“Still, he had expressed he wanted to donate his organs so he had it listed on his forms. Knowing all of his organs went to a good cause brought a sense of closure to it all.”

Wait, what? He turned slowly, like the world had become still. His chest flickered with an anxiety that he seriously thought was going to kill him. “What did you just say?”

Chris couldn’t register the expression Jason was feeling at that moment. His face looked torn between terror, despair, and overwhelming appreciation and guilt.

“His organs were donated to others in need? Apparently he had six or seven recipients. The doctor said there was one at the hospital who needed a kidney and lungs, so I guess it worked out for that person. They don’t reveal who receives them, but I have a feeling it went well.”

“When did he die exactly?”

The date Chris offered him was the night before his surgery, and Jason instantly felt sick. He remembered that the doctor had informed him that Monday, not even an hour after he had a previous surgery. He remembered the scrubs he had been wearing right before entering the patient room. His doctor knew about his friend, he even told him his name. He knew the donor that saved his life, and now he hated himself.

How could he have been so selfish and wished he was dead when his best friend had given him a part of himself to keep him alive? He wanted to throw up. No, he needed to throw up. Recognizing the reaction, Chris stood up.

“Wow, okay. Let’s get to the bathroom first, yeah?”

He helped him to the toilet, waiting as Jason emptied his filled stomach. He felt like the world around him was tormenting him constantly. Was wanting more something he shouldn’t be allowed to do? Was it not enough that he had to squash his feelings in order to keep the love he treasured so deeply?

“Want me to get you home, you don’t look so good?” Chris asked.

“No, I reserved a room.”

“Which one?”

“304.”

Chris paid the bill and helped him back to his room. He waited patiently, making sure Jason got out of the shower before he decided to leave.

“You shouldn’t overdo it, take a break and sleep all day tomorrow,” Chris advised.

“Yeah.” Chris hesitated before sitting next to him on the queen size mattress.

“Did things work out with your crush?”

“More or less.”

“You don’t sound confident.”

“I’m not.”

Chris sighed, pulling out a little black box. He handed him the box, offering it to him. “I lied, Doug told me what it was for.” He looked at the box, tears forming in his eyes. “I just didn’t want to say anything if it didn’t work out for you. False hope is a terrible thing to do to someone.”

He nodded slowly as he took and opened the box, looking down at the matching pair of rings. “Doug called me when he got the rings. He said he felt he had an obligation as your closest family member/friend to give you away properly. He got the rings as a way for me to apologize to you and patch things up. He wanted us all to be friends, and be in each other’s lives. The rings are for you from Doug.”

His tears wouldn’t stop falling as he realized what was taken from him. The only person he had considered to be his closest friend, who he had pushed away on impulse and who held out for him after all that time, still found a way to help support him anyway. Now, Jason was stuck with Doug for the rest of his life, no matter how he felt. He even sent him off with his consent, before he even had the chance to ask for it.

Chris reached out and held in him a hug, trying to comfort him as best as he could. The door opened, and the appearance of Danny shook Jason. Why was he here? How did he even know where he was? He was speechless as Danny’s eyes landed on Chris.

“Wait! It’s not what you think!” Chris stated, pushing him away. Jason couldn’t respond as Danny looked at them with a resentful and hurtful look. What was happening right now? He couldn’t speak, like his throat was clogged, and it was making things a lot worse.

“You distance yourself and then tell me you’re not coming home. Then, I find you with the same guy you tried to have a one night stand with? How do you think I’m supposed to react right now?” Danny asked.

There it was, that same look he had given him all that time ago. It stung him hard, he wasn’t ready for this yet. He was bracing himself for the inevitable, yet the silence was deafening. He tried to speak, the weight of everything he had learned that night weighing down on him. His heart couldn’t take much more, another crack was added to the ever growing indent in his wall of protection. He didn’t even stop to wonder how he knew Chris was the same guy.

He felt the box in his hand, still warm to the touch. It was then he realized that it wasn’t just Danny who had trouble with his emotions. He also had a hard time vocalizing what he wanted. While all his attempts to talk to Danny may have seemed genuine to himself, how he viewed it may not have been how Danny had. How he remembered their past together, may not have been how he saw it. It was only when both of them somehow managed to tell each other how they felt, did they get anywhere.

He got up and emptied his brain of all the nonsense that was holding him back. He had to do this, because if he didn’t, he’d always hate himself. He stared at the angry and confused Danny, before dropping to his knees and pulling the box out.

“I love you. I always have and always will. I will never leave you unless you say you don’t love me, you want me to, or I truly believe that your life will be better without me in it.”

He shoved the box up at the startled Danny, who wasn’t prepared for a marriage proposal at all. His hands shook with a tremor he hadn’t possessed before, tears dropping down his face. He was scared and terrified to place his faith in another human being who may or may not choose to abandon him.

“Will you marry me?”

There was a silence that fell in the room, one that was so heavy that even a pen dropping wouldn’t break it.

“Are you serious right now? I just caught you in a hotel room, with another guy, and you’re asking me to marry you?”

If Danny refused him, he wouldn’t have anything left. He owed it to Doug to try instead of just wishing for more. It wasn’t enough, he had to do something.

“This is a misunderstanding, I was delivering the rings to him,” Chris spoke up.

“What?” Danny snapped.

“I said I was delivering them to him. Doug wanted it, and I met him by chance downstairs. I carry the rings on me all the time because of it. Jason got really sick, so I brought him to his hotel room. I swear we weren’t doing anything!”

Danny hesitated, still angry. He bit his lip, turned around, and walked out. Jason wasn’t sure what to think. He hadn’t accepted nor denied his proposal. He felt his whole body shaking, the pressure finally getting to him. Chris helped him to the bed, before taking off down the hallway. Was this the price he had to pay for ignorance?

***