“Well, half of it was because I was too afraid to hurt you.”

“And the other half?” Danny swallowed, hoping this wouldn’t ruin their mood.

“Every time I have sex with someone I want to be in a relationship with, they always leave me. It’s kind of traumatizing.”

Jason looked up at him, realizing now why Danny had kept his distance all this time. First, his first love took his first time and then abandoned him the next day. Then he slept with Jason for a whole weekend, only to find out after he professed his feelings, that he might die during surgery. An overwhelming guilt followed this realization. Of course this didn’t include any in-between events Danny may have had that could have crushed his self-confidence.

“Hey, don’t dwell on it. You’re here right now and that’s what matters,” Danny stated, cupping his face before giving him a tender kiss. Jason wanted to let it go, but it was bothering him. This whole time he thought it was because he didn’t love him like Jason loved Danny. Now he knew it was just because Danny loved him so much, he was afraid to lose him again if he showered him in affection.

***

Jason was struggling, trying to juggle his work life with everything else. He felt like no matter what he did, he would always be tired and everything would hurt. It was only the brief moments with Danny, that made him feel energized long enough to keep going through the next day.

It wasn’t like his life was seriously in danger anymore, but the trauma that his body and mind had gone through remained. It wasn’t just something he could forget and it was something his body constantly remembered.

On nights when he would break out in cold sweats or nightmares, Danny would wake to comfort him. He held him close, making him remember that it wasn’t real anymore and just a dream. It didn’t feel like a dream to him, it was his memory reliving over and over again.

The feeling of slowly being suffocated to death was terrifying to begin with. He didn’t know how to handle it, much less fix it. Could something like this even be fixed? Was he going to remain this way up until the day he died?

To make matters worse, Darren didn’t leave like he had hoped. He remained, getting a job at the hospital he had checkups at. It wasn’t until Darren was a ward under the same doctor that treated Jason, that things started to become too much for him.

When his doctor realized they knew each other, registering the uncomfortable feeling between the three of them, he spoke up immediately. “If you are uncomfortable, Dr. Rimier can leave the room?”

“It’s fine, can we just get this over with?” Jason asked. He already didn’t want to be there, the anxiety was affecting him too much to concentrate. Danny held his hand in comfort, kissing it for good will. Luckily, Darren was professional enough not to comment.

“So, how is he doing?” the doctor asked Danny. This became a regular thing, Danny answering for him because he didn’t want to. He just wanted it to be over with, but Danny was always concerned something was going to happen again. If only he hadn’t been found repeatedly on the floor by Danny, maybe the trauma for him wouldn’t have been so bad and maybe Jason wouldn’t have to listen to his bickering.

“He’s not sleeping well, his appetite has gone down too. I tried changing his food, but he constantly says he feels sick every time he looks at something to eat. It’s gotten to the point that whenever he is in the mood to eat, I just get him what he’s in the mood for.”

“Has he been taking his medicine regularly?”

“Yes, I double check and make sure he does every day.”

“How is the swelling in the chest?”

“It seems to have gone down, he doesn’t complain about his chest hurting anymore.” The doctor took a quick listen, Jason breathing in and out.

“Jason, does it hurt anywhere?” he asked. The thought that it hurt everywhere crossed his mind, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’m just tired, can I get something to help me sleep at night?” The doctor sighed and pulled up his chair, trying to get Jason to focus.

“Jason, I need you to realize that trauma from dying is normal.” A brief moment of surprised crossed Darren’s face before becoming normal again.

“It doesn’t bother me,” he argued, not wanting to look weak in front of Darren.

“Jason, you died three times on the operation table and almost a fourth when your lungs stopped working properly. So anyone would feel something after something like that happened to them. How are you doing, really?”

Jason wavered, uncertain until Danny squeezed his hand. He could say it right? He could tell the truth and they wouldn’t judge him, right?

“It’s terrifying.”

The doctor listened, waiting for him to talk about it. He wasn’t a counselor, but that didn’t mean he didn’t ask him about things in order to judge his mental state. He could see the wear on Danny’s face, knowing neither of them were sleeping well due to Jason’s nightmares.

“I keep thinking about laying on the floor and seeing the phone. I can make out the sounds of his voice, but everything is just dead silent with a ringing sound in my ears. It’s like time has stopped, and I can just see everything in the room around me.

“Then I remember the first time I woke up in the hospital, the burning sensation and the pain fills my throat. It’s like my whole body just goes numb before it hurts. Everything just hurts all the time now, whether I want it to or not.”

“It sounds like a lot of the pressure stems from anxiety, have you had any other stressful events happen lately?”

He could name a number of things, Darren being the most immediate and being sex deprived the secondary problem.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. Why don’t you talk with Danny later though? It’s important to express how you feel when you’re upset, otherwise things will escalate into bigger problems, like panic attacks. I’m not sure how your heart will hold up with repeated exposure. It’s been through a lot already.”

“I know.”

“Okay, well, as long as you understand. Why don’t you go wait in the waiting room while I write your new prescriptions.” He nodded and walked from the room, Danny staying behind. As soon as he closed the door, Danny jumped on the chance to corner the doctor.

“Be honest right now, how serious is this?”

“Danny, you know how much stress his body has been under. Having just one panic attack could kill him. Honestly, I don’t particularly know how fragile his walls are right now after everything, so we will have to do an echo stress test and go from there.”

“Okay, can you schedule it and then let me know?”

“Of course. Danny, just remember to take one day at a time. I know his situation isn’t ideal and it puts you under a lot of stress, but remember to take time for yourself okay?”

Danny nodded, ignoring the fact that Darren was in the room listening to all of this. He could feel the pressure of the situation falling on his shoulders and Darren’s gaze with it.

“Yeah, okay.” He took the scripts and then left after making the next appointment. Darren followed him down the hallway, calling after him. He had no patience to deal with him at the moment.

“What?” he snapped.

“Here’s my number. When you’re ready, let’s have a chat. Just friendly, somewhere in public okay?” He hesitated before taking his card, turning around and heading towards the waiting room. He didn’t know why he took his card, only that he knew if he didn’t Darren would keep pestering him until he accepted anyway.

When they went home, they talked for a while. Danny let Jason take his time, listening to him whenever he said something. It wasn’t easy, but he had to. It was the only thing he could do to try to ease the pain and stress he was under. Still, he felt the pressure on himself building. The pressure to make sure nothing bad happened, and the pressure to not mess things up with Jason.

“Danny?”

“Yeah?”

“You know none of this is your fault right?” Danny looked at him startled, like he had somehow given away his guilt.

“What?”

“I’m not ignorant Danny, I’ve lived with you for years so I can tell when you start slipping and blaming yourself for things outside of your control.”

“Since when?”

“Since the day I started noticing your bad habits.”

“Bad habits? What bad habits?”

“Like how you pick at your fingernails, or your leg spasms when you’re nervous. How you go into a blank stare when you have something heavy on your mind, or forget your lunch when you feel depressed.”

“No, I really do all that?”

“Yes, you also tend to sleep on the other side of the bed when it’s raining. I didn’t thinking anything of it back in College, but I noticed that later on you avoided the windows.”

“Yeah, I don’t like the rain.”

“Why?”

“It was raining the day I walked home after Darren left me alone.” There was a brief pause before Jason nodded. He understood, but that didn’t stop his jealousy. Danny cleared his throat, trying to change the subject.

“By the way, I realized I don’t do those things much anymore. Why is that?”

“Because I trained you off of them.” Danny started to laugh.

“What, like a dog?”

“More like a puppy, but yeah.” His laughter was loud as he tickled him in response until he surrendered. “How about now, huh?”

“You’re still mine, no matter what.”

“Seriously, no matter what?”

“No matter what.” Danny forgot about the business card entirely, forgot about Darren, and didn’t think that the matter would be brought up again. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

***

A couple weeks passed and things around the home seemed to mellow out. With the two of them talking more frequently, it was easier to lift the heavy weight of guilt and burden that they had both been carrying off their shoulders.

It was during one of his leisure days, that Jason decided to clean. He didn’t do it as often as he should have, but when he could manage it he did. While cleaning, he found Darren’s business card in Danny’s coat pocket.

He didn’t know what to think of it, confused and frustrated more than anything. He thought that this was behind them, but did Danny not think so? He pondered on it all day, using cleaning as an excuse to preoccupy himself. When cleaning was done, he grabbed some liquor from the cabinet and started sipping on it.

His intention was to only drink a little, enough to muddle his constantly busy mind. Unfortunately, his self-control wasn’t good when he drank and he ended up completely plastered sooner than he thought. It was due to lack of eating and his medication, knowing he wasn’t supposed to be drinking. He didn’t hear when Danny came home, just had his head laid onto the table, staring at the wall.

“Jason? What the hell, you’re not supposed to be drinking, you idiot!” His voice sounded so soothing, even when he was pissed off. Jason stared up at his angry face and smiled. The smile made Danny falter, but he was still completely pissed off.

“What were you thinking, drinking like this?”

Jason lifted his head and turned his body towards Danny. He stood, almost falling over as Danny caught him. The only thought he could think was how good it felt to have Danny hold him in his arms. “Let’s get you in bed,” he sighed.

Jason reached up and clasped his head in place, kissing his lips. Danny didn’t kiss him back, protesting against his behavior. So he nibbled at his lips, kissing down his neck.

“Jason, why are acting like this? This isn’t like you.”

“I want you, is that such a bad thing?”

“Being drunk is not wanting me.” Jason put his lips to his ears, his face already flushed and his cock excited. “Danny, I want you right now. I want you to take me, punish me Danny.”

He bit down on his neck, surprising Danny. The result was them both being horny, so Danny picked him up and brought him to the bed. He helped him undress and covered him with the covers. Jason wasn’t happy, feeling unsatisfied.

“Why won’t you do it?”

“Jason, your drunk. If you were this forward when you weren’t, I would.”

Tears started falling down Jason’s face, startling Danny. Danny came over to his side and wrapped him into a hug, stroking his head. “Why are you crying, I’m not rejecting you.”

“It feels like it, is it because of Darren?” Danny was confused, unable to make the link between the two.

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw you had his business card, you’ve been seeing him haven’t you?”

Danny pulled away and looked at him incredulously. “No, I haven’t been. There is nothing going on between us. He gave me his business card at your last doctor’s appointment and said he wanted to talk. I only took it so he would leave me alone, I swear I haven’t met with him.”

“Do you want to?”

The question made Danny pause and Jason knew instantly that he did, the tears continuing to fall. “I only want to close a chapter that was left open in my life, I won’t ever get back with him.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I forgot.”

“That’s just something you can forget about?”

“Yes, because he doesn’t mean anything to me.”

“Yet, you’d meet with him?” Danny sucked in a deep breath, knowing no matter what he said Jason was going to be upset.

“Okay, well do it sooner rather than later. If you’re going to leave me I’d rather have it be sooner than find out later.”

“Why do you think I’d leave you?”

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Then make me understand why it’s so stupid?”

“Because I can’t grant you a happily ever after for seventy years like he can.”

“Says who?”

“Says my doctor, who just told me my heart is overstressed after dying so many times and my transplants that I will need again in ten years, they aren’t indefinite you know.”

“So, we will wait for another one.”

“You’re not getting my point!”

“I am getting your point, I just love you okay? Can you just let me love you?” Jason let his tears fall silently and sat back onto the bed.

“I just tried to, you rejected me.”