Your Highness,

I have missed several days worth of letters to you, and for that I apologize. There is little I could have said in them, however, as you were seated beside me for the duration of that time. There is very little that you could have missed from mere feet away. Still, there is so much that I left unsaid and do not know how to tell you in person. Much of it I cannot tell you. Not until after the wedding.

For now, I will do my best to express it here. You’ll never see it, but it does make it easier for me to bear the weight of everything if I put it on paper.

I apologize first and foremost for pulling you from your life. You should have been able to go about your tour uninterrupted by danger. That I was the thing to frighten you, even if I have your understanding, makes me feel shame greater than I could have imagined it might. I hope that one day you will forgive me, not because you are kind or pitying, but because I will have earned that. Someday, I will make this up to you.

I apologize also for my ignorance. I had, for much of the time we have been apart, assumed that my leaving had little impact. I am not a particularly important person in most regards. That my leaving could have affected you so much comes as some surprise. Your face when we spoke in the garden was heartbreaking. You deserve to have someone at your side who will cherish you. Your actions as a child, whether you forgive yourself or not, do not make you unworthy of love and adoration. You shine so brightly, and to see you so dim is terrifying.

You deserve to know that the person who loved you most did not leave out of shame in you. He did not run away from some undeserved scandal out of pride. I would never have left your side if it had been my choice. Everyday apart has been nothing but a dull ache, longing to see my sun again and be held in his warm rays, to bask in his light. You are not forgotten.

There is a sick, selfish piece of me that is grateful you have not forgotten me, either. Even if you do not recognize me, even if everything would be different now, I am honored that I could have once been so cherished by you. I hope that one day I will be worthy of it again.

I do not have answers for everything now. I do not know who is behind the attack in Asria. I do not know if Karim has turned on us both. I do not even know if I can stomach telling you who I am after your wedding day. Knowing that you’ll be hurt, I become selfish again. The idea that you would hate me for hiding or not understand that leaving was never my choice is overwhelming. You deserve to know. I must let you know. Please forgive me for not knowing how to tell you yet.

Whatever comes of this, whatever comes of your wedding, of the situation with Karim, whether you shun or embrace me, I will be here. I promised once that I would always protect you, and I do not intend to break that. So long as you live, I will give my life again and again for your safety. If a blade must pierce my chest to protect you, I will take it willingly, knowing my heart is safely in your hands.

Forever yours,

Captain Samson H. Graves

Samson took the sheet of paper and folded it, sealing it carefully in a dated envelope before opening a drawer and placing it upon the pile. It had been a long time since he had missed a letter to Elias, and longer still since he had missed several in a row. He supposed it could be forgiven, if he had been by Elias’s side the entire time. A letter wasn’t necessary to hold his connection if he could have the real thing directly before him.

A knock came at his door and he turned. “Enter.”

Natalia stepped inside, a hand pushing back her hair. “Captain, we’ll be in Verand within a few hours. Captain Albasha has accepted your request to meet. I assume I will be going with you?”

Samson nodded.

“Are you still having trouble with speaking?”

He sighed, letting his eyes fall shut. “It is never easy, but it’s harder when I’ve gone a few days without forcing it.” He knew his voice cracked when he spoke, and there was little he could do about it. For now, he would simply need to deal with sounding strange. “I’ll try to exercise my voice before meeting with Karim.” His hands still moved when he spoke, following along with his words.

Natalia watched his hands more than his eyes when he spoke. “I want to apologize about the other day,” she said, finding a place in the chair across from his bed. She placed her hands neatly in her lap. “I know what His Highness means to you. Though I may not always understand it, I appreciate and respect that you care for him so much. I was out of line.”

“You were,” he said.

She laughed, shaking her head. “You’re awful to apologize to, do you know that? Anyway. I know I pushed too hard. It just scares me to see you struggle when you’ve worked so hard for your voice.”

“Is it not enough that I already worked hard to sign?” he asked.

Natalia nodded. “It is. You’re right. I apologize if I downplayed that before, Captain. I’m sure you’ll understand if I worry about you nonetheless?”

He could accept her concern. If it were someone who barely knew him, let alone understood him, it would be one thing. But there was no pity or disdain with Natalia. She had left Kremal with him. If anyone was allowed to worry for his sake, it was her. “I will always be grateful for your help. I know these last few weeks haven’t been easy.”

“Planning a kidnapping with Cheng as my assistant was certainly interesting,” she said. “And then immediately having you die on me, and being back in Kremal. And now this. Whatever this thing with Karim is, I don’t like it.”

Samson glanced to the small velvet bag on the corner of his desk. Right. This was going to be frustrating. “If I may ask something difficult of you,” he said.

Natalia groaned, resting her head in her hand. “I believe I already know. I won’t be happy about it, but I’ll do it. Until we can trust Karim again, it will need to be done.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for you. I assumed you’d know that by now.” She smiled and rose, approaching his chair. She leaned down, pulling her arms around his shoulders. “You’re the best banishment brother I could have asked for.” Her arms were tight and warm, steady as she held him. “We’ll figure all this out, and when it’s done, we’ll go to Yadan.”

Samson’s eyes fell shut as Natalia let go of him. “I don’t know about that.”

“Not to give you orders, Captain, but I do know about that. His Highness misses you. You’re not barred from Yadan, and you’ll finally be able to tell him who you are.”

Samson opened his eyes. “I find myself not wanting to tell him.”

Natalia’s jaw dropped, her brows narrowing. “Samson.”

“If he resents me for leaving him and he can tolerate me now, I don’t know if I could handle losing what’s started between us in the present.” Even as he said it, he knew how selfish it was. The look on Natalia’s face told him immediately that it was too selfish. “I will tell him,” he said, finding his answer. “I just don’t know how.”

“That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself. I can’t choose that for you.” She fiddled with the ends of her hair, twirling red curls between her thumb and forefinger. “I know you disagree with me when I say it, but if he doesn’t at least understand and respect you when he knows the whole story, he’s not worth your time.” She paused. “What is it that you want to get from that conversation? Forgiveness?”

Samson nodded. “That would be nice.”

“Or is it that you want him to love you again?”

The question made the air in Samson’s lungs feel colder. It wasn’t that he’d never thought about it. He’d considered this thousands of times. Everyday, the scenarios lingered in his mind, the moment he would tell Elias who he was, what had happened. It was impossible to know what the man would do or say. Before now, he’d had such a small concept of the man Elias had become. And even with the last few days, there was so much he didn’t know. How much of what he felt was anger? How much of it was longing? Was he still the forgiving kind?

“Of course I want him to love me,” Samson said. Of course he did. “But if he doesn’t, I cannot fault him for that. Regardless of my reasons, I left him. I would be happy to serve him from afar if that is all he can accept from me.”

Natalia frowned. “I think happy is an overstatement.” Outside the door, voices grew louder. Natalia huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’ll handle this. Get your mind off of all that and focus on how you’ll approach Karim. He may be suspicious, but the last thing we need is a new enemy.”