Painful, but Desirable

Chapter 10

Hayeon began playing violin at a very young age. Before high school, while her father’s business was still going well, she even dreamed of majoring in violin performance. But her father’s business failed, and suddenly, everything changed. Her parents got divorced, her father filed for bankruptcy, and then he disappeared. Her mother’s side-dish shop made it possible for her to finish high school, but they weren’t financially stable enough to support an arts major.

Hayeon’s violin sat forgotten in a corner. She could have continued playing as a hobby, but the violin was a reminder of things she’d rather forget—unfulfilled dreams, her father’s absence. It was a symbol of everything she’d lost.

Hayeon may have neglected her music, but she did not neglect her studies. She had no problem getting into university on her own. Soon after she entered school, she was on her way to class when she passed by a noisy crowd of students.

“Orchestra Club! Orchestra! Beginners welcome for some instruments!”

The school clubs were recruiting new members. There were all kinds of clubs, all with members shouting to promote them. But the only one Hayeon heard was Orchestra Club. It was calling to her. She never thought she’d pick up the violin again.

The Entrepreneur’s Club and Developer’s Club were crowded with students wanting to join. But there weren’t many people in line to sign up for the Orchestra Club. The student shouting from behind the booth frowned and slapped the apathetic student next to him on the back.

“Come on, Cha Doyun! Try something. If it goes on like this, we won’t get any new members.”

That was the moment Hayeon first laid eyes on Doyun. His sharp nose, his relaxed eyes, his well-shaped lips. His face was attractive, but it was the expression that really pulled her in. The cloudy eyes of a man who had no interest in things like recruiting for a university club but was manning the table anyway.

“Come on, Cha Doyun, are you listening to me? Just play one piece. Let’s at least take advantage of your looks. Okay? Please!”

“You do it.”

“I don’t have my instrument. Come on, just do it.”

Doyun sighed at the other student’s pleading and picked up his violin. He stood up, his neat lips twisting as if an actual reply was beneath him. As soon as he put the violin on his shoulder, people started looking in his direction. He shook his head as if he were annoyed, and then started playing. A beautiful melody floated over all the noisy voices in the crowd.

It was the final movement of Bach’s Partita in D Minor for solo violin, “Chaconne.” The dramatic melody swallowed up all the other sounds in the room. But it was Doyun’s eyes that captured Hayeon. His eyes had been lifeless until he picked up the violin. Now, they were filled with a fierce flame. He was a different person. It was like he was no longer on a crowded university campus, but alone in a dark room playing only for himself. His eyes burned.

As soon as he put the violin down, Hayeon walked over as if she were possessed and picked up the club registration form. She wrote her name, address, and instrument—the violin—and showed the form to the person who looked like he was in charge. The club president looked down at the paper, then smiled and looked up at Doyun.

“Well, well! She plays the violin.”

Doyun was sitting hunched in his chair with his legs crossed, the look of disinterest back on his face, but at those words, he sat up straight.

“Violin?”

He looked her over. His eyes went straight to her hands. They passed carefully over her slender fingers holding the papers. He shook his head.

“No.”

Hayeon’s mouth fell half-open at his cold judgment.

“What are you doing? How could you just say ‘no’ like that?”

The club president was apparently also taken aback. He went pale and glanced hesitantly at Hayeon to see her reaction. Maybe he felt sorry for her because she looked intimidated. He hurried to explain.

“I’m sorry, there’s plenty of space for other instruments, but we have lots of violins. You’ll have to sit for an audition.”

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.”

If there were auditions, they must be letting in some violin players. Why had he rejected her so quickly? After Hayeon apologized, the club president continued.

“No, no. You shouldn’t be sorry. We should be thanking you for registering. Doyun just doesn’t know how to act around people. Would you come for an audition? It’s March 25, please try out. Okay?”

After the club president finished, Doyun tilted his head and spoke.

“You shouldn’t bother auditioning.”

“Why not?”

Hayeon was usually quiet and passive, but his fierce rejection provoked her.

“Why can’t I audition?”

Doyun pushed back his hair and sighed.

“Look at your hands. Not a single callus. You haven’t played in a long time, right? There are a lot of people auditioning. You won’t get in like that. I’m trying to save you the effort. Don’t bother practicing.”

He spoke as if he were showing her great mercy. Her face grew hot and red. The club president went pale again. He told her the audition time and place, and the piece she would have to play.

“Please come,” he pleaded with her. “Doyun’s just a jerk. Don’t let him bother you. Okay?”

She couldn’t not let it bother her. What did he know? Of course, he was right that she’d quit playing the violin. She had decided never to play again. It had been more than a year since she’d even touched the instrument, so the calluses on her fingertips were long gone. She couldn’t even remember when she’d last held it.

Still! She loved the violin and wanted to go back to it. The desire to play surged within her, driven equally by Doyun’s performance and his harsh criticism. She practiced the audition piece nonstop. It wasn’t the same as before, but she had played her whole life, so a simple audition piece was well within her ability.

Even after she’d memorized the piece, she practiced every day until the audition to play it to perfection. If she started to get distracted, his rejection rang in her ears, and she picked up the violin again.

Soon, it was the day of the audition. She hugged her violin case to her chest as she headed for the club meeting room. It was just a university club audition. Why was she so nervous? She went to open the door, but a man suddenly opened it from the inside and came out. He was a head taller than her and she crashed right into his shoulder. Just as she twisted away and began to fall, he grabbed her wrist. His large hand had a firm grip.

“Ah!”

She gasped and looked up. It was a familiar face. Doyun. He looked her in the eye and raised one eyebrow as if to say “Oh, you again.” Then his eyes slowly moved to the hand he was holding. There were red blisters on the tips of her fingers.

“Ah...”

He muttered in a low voice.

“You’re tougher than I thought.”

A huff of laughter escaped his lips. It was a hateful laugh. What a jerk. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t then that she fell in love with him. Her memory of when they first met was vivid. But it wasn’t out of love.

* * *

“It wasn’t love at first sight,” she said. “I can’t really remember, but I’m pretty sure I had a crush on him since sometime during freshman year.”

Woojin, who had been waiting for her answer, blurted out his next question in surprise. “You've liked Doyun since freshman year? Wait, is that the reason you rejected Sungjun?”

A wrinkle appeared on Doyun’s brow. “Choi Sungjun liked Shin Hayeon?”

Hayeon’s eyes widened. Sungjun and Hayeon had grown close in the Orchestra Club. He had confessed his feelings for her once, but that was a long time ago. It was on the club retreat in their second year. It was so long ago that Hayeon’s memory of it was fuzzy.

“He doesn’t like me. Just... a long time ago...” she trailed off. It wasn’t serious, almost like a joke. She stopped before she finished the sentence. That explanation didn’t seem respectful to Sungjun’s feelings, even if it was long ago. She was at a loss for words. Her eyelashes fluttered, and Doyun’s lips twisted. Woojin’s eyes widened.

“Cha Doyun, are you getting jealous?” he asked. “Wow, I can’t believe it. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day you felt jealous of someone.”

He leaned his head in and examined the unfamiliar expression on his friend’s face. After observing for a long moment, he laughed. “Anyway, this is great news. Is it a secret from everyone else? Can I tell people? If we put it in the group chat, people will lose their minds,” he said.

Doyun hung his head to one side. “Okay. I guess we have to tell them anyway. Go ahead,” he said.

Soon everyone in the club would know. Hayeon felt shy even telling Woojin. She worried about how everyone would react when they found out. But they couldn’t hide it forever—they were getting married. And his aunt was very sick, so they couldn’t put the wedding off for long.

Then she suddenly thought of something. She had to tell Sungjun first. Sungjun was the only person in the club who knew Hayeon had a crush on Doyun. If Woojin shared the news in the chat and Sungjun said something to reveal he had always known about her feelings, it would give her away. It was fine for Hayeon to share those feelings herself. Doyun would just think she was a good actor. But Sungjun might say something like “That’s great! She’s liked him for so long!” Something like that would definitely make Doyun suspicious.

“Woojin!” she interrupted desperately. “Could... could you wait to tell everyone for a little while? Just until the next meetup. Or at least until tonight?”

Hayeon’s voice trembled with urgency. Her desperation showed on her face. Doyun, who had turned his head away disapprovingly, looked back at her. Woojin looked at her too.

“Why? Is something wrong?” he asked.

“No, no! It’s just so sudden... and... there are other people I should tell first,” she said. Doyun interrupted her stammering.

“Who?” he asked in a twisted voice. “Could it be... Choi Sungjun?”