I wasn’t sure what I expected to happen from kissing Jack, but making the silence between us mutually awkward for the first time was definitely not the outcome I wanted. As we walked back to the house, I kept watch over my shoulder, seeing that torn expression stuck to his features. It broke my heart. For a moment, we had something beautiful, and I ruined it as I did everything else. 

I should have known I’d scare him away somehow.

We passed the garden again, my time to speak drawing short. It wasn’t far to the estate now, and with the way he was behaving, I was terrified that if I left, I would never see him again. He was pretty good at disappearing and reappearing at will, after all. 

I slowed down at the wrought iron gate, waiting for the sound of his boots to catch up with me, then turned to confront him without the faintest idea of what to say. 

“Listen. I was pretty tired, back there. And, I was kinda just, caught up in everything and I… I acted kinda stupid. And I think maybe there’s still some alcohol in my blood from the other night, so really, my judgement isn’t to be trusted right now. So, if you... Didn’t like what happened, we could just forget about it. I’d be OK with that. We can just go back, to how it was.” 

My anxiety did a poor job of filtering my thoughts between my brain and my mouth, leading to rambling that filled the silence.

He stopped to listen, then let the words sit between us like he always did as he took the last few steps towards me and leaned a shoulder on the gate. 

His lack of reply provoked me into adding more nervous words to the air. “I just… I feel like it wasn’t what you wanted. So if it wasn’t what you wanted then that would be fine. It doesn’t have to be this way. We can just go back to friends.”

“Violet,” he interrupted, breaking through my anxious thoughts with a soft tone. “I promise you, if I hadn’t wanted to kiss you, I wouldn’t have.” 

I groaned, frustrated with how much I had liked those words. I shifted to stand beside him, grabbing the bars of the gate. I twisted my hands around them to fight the nerves. “If so, then why does it feel so terrible now?”

He sighed, but again offered no explanation or comfort. I wanted to be upset, but I could tell his silence wasn’t out of stubbornness. It seemed like he wanted to tell me but wasn’t sure how. 

I copied his sigh. “You’re not really good at explaining yourself.”

“If I knew what to say, I’d tell you. It’s complicated.” He seemed genuine, but those last words were so cliche, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes in reply.

I suggested situations that were as ridiculous as his excuse. “Are you like, twenty-five? Do you have a girlfriend?” 

He scoffed, but it sounded sad. “If only it was something so simple.” His eyes were full of apologies, and I tried to shake off my frustration because I could see he wasn’t trying to be infuriating.

Still, I found myself whining. “Why can’t you just tell me? You know so much about me, everything. You’ve read my damn journal, without my permission, might I add. It’s not fair, that I know nothing about you.” 

“You’re right. It’s not fair. Getting involved with your life, it wasn’t fair of me at all.” 

“Why are you always so cryptic?” I had to hold back an unimpressed glare. “Can’t you at least tell me, what you meant back there? About hurting me?” 

His face went uncertain again, but I managed a pout and he caved. “I can’t stay here, Violet. I don’t know when exactly, but I’m going to have to leave, and I’ve known that from the moment I met you. How cruel am I, for doing what I’ve done while knowing I can’t stay? How selfish? I hurt you, because I kissed you knowing I’d have to disappear eventually.” He ended with another sigh, pain finding his eyes. The gray that was a usually tame and level fog looked more like swirling storm clouds in his frustration. 

I bit at my lip, choosing my words carefully. “You know, I’m not some delicate little flower that you’re going to break.” I gathered my nerves and caught his gaze, all rain and thunder, before continuing. “That’s what you think, isn’t it? Because of… What I did. You think that if something happens, I’m just going to fall apart. Well, you don’t have to worry. I’ve been broken before. Pretty much my whole life. I know what it’s like to hurt. You don’t have to be scared of hurting me.” I paused again, but hated the somber mood I had left it on, so I tried for some nervous sarcasm to finish the words off. “It’s not like I’m going to go kill myself over you or something.”

He actually breathed a chuckle in reply, and for a moment, I felt the awkwardness lift a little. He covered the slip by clearing his throat and shaking his head. “That wasn’t funny.” Though his eyes still shined with a bit more brightness than previously.

I shook my head, trying to find the seriousness again. “I’m just saying. If anything, I should be worried about hurting you…” And then I realized how selfish I had been, kissing him back there in the woods. Because I was going to be leaving too, permanently. And I realized how badly I wanted to take back my actions, and how he must be feeling the same way if he thought he was going to hurt me in the way I knew I would hurt him.

There were no more words. I had found the regret he was dwelling in, and now we stood together in the aftermath of our mistake, realizing that the hurt was already inevitable, because as I thought about it, it was beginning to creep up on me. I knew what should happen, but the idea caused an ache in my chest I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wished a thousand times over to go back to that moment on the beach, praying for it to be neverending so I wouldn’t have to say what I knew was probably the right thing.

Time betrayed me again, and kept ticking, until the seconds grew so long I had to admit defeat to the unavoidable conclusion. I sucked in a shaky breath, holding back the tears that threatened the edges of my eyes. “Maybe it’s best we end this here then, before either of us gets hurt more?” I put the question mark on the end because I hoped he’d disagree, refuse, fight it, even though I knew he never would. 

That wasn’t his way.

Jack’s frown chiseled deeper into his features, his only reaction. I felt like he knew what was coming, just as I knew it was the only reasonable conclusion, but it didn’t keep it from burrowing deep under our ribs and leaving an emptiness there. I turned away from him, leaning back against the gate like he was. As I tried to catch some air in my shaking lungs, I felt him reach out and take my hand, squeezing my fingers with his.