There was a girl I liked, more than any other. I’d seen her cry and laugh and smile, those expressions and words she’d said and done sticking with me like nothing else ever did. It might’ve gone beyond ‘like’ a long time ago, but I didn’t dwell on those thoughts. Those were dangerous and they didn’t lead to a happily ever after. They only led to my misery.
I kept myself busy, so I didn’t have a moment to think about it all. Not my True Mate waiting out there, not the girl I longed to see again, not even to think about what’s been done or what I wanted to do.
There were things that couldn’t be undone. And in truth, our relationship with just one moment, should’ve changed drastically, in my favor. In ours… together…
But nothing had changed at all.
I didn’t fall out of her favor, but neither did she act like it happened at all. In fact, it was as if it were only a dream I had once, as if it were just a wish of my heart that couldn’t exist.
We never spoke of it again.
And that was the hardest thing.
It was why I couldn’t bring myself to see her face again.
Why I couldn’t just ask her about it?
After all, how could I?
If she forgot it that easily, or if she’d just gone and forgotten it without any reason, or worse… if she remembered and did nothing, didn’t it mean that it wasn’t important to her? Though, if she’d forgotten it easily enough, that was the same deal. It was then an unimportant memory without meaning to her.
But I couldn’t tear myself away from her completely.
I was that dumb.
I was clinging to her silently from a great distance, hoping and yearning silently. Nobody noticed. That was fine by me. Letting others in on the situation sounded dreadfully stressful. There would be questions and advice and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
The pain to send her a message, a note, a letter… it wasn’t much when I got up early and went to bed late, having worked the whole day long without much of a break. I’d always collapse into my bed, not one thought able to occupy my mind, and fell asleep like the snap of a finger.
It was better that way.
Because if those hours were spent in the drifting off… then I’d never have peace. I’d just see her. There would just be unshed tears and unrequited feelings.
I sighed.
Apparently, I hadn’t worked hard enough today.
Sleep eluded me.
After everything that was going on, with Jane and Lee, with Kat as well, that there wasn’t anyone I wanted to see more than her.
It would be fine if I didn’t say a word when we met again. I’d prefer it if she talked for me, as she’d done a number of times in the past. I really enjoyed those times… more than I thought.
She’d needed to get the words out, and I needed something different to focus on. And focusing on her, well, it was like breathing in oxygen. It seemed to give me life, all on its own. Suddenly, at some point, it wasn’t even a distraction for me anymore. No, it became the best part of my days, my weeks, my years, just listening to her.
It was gazing up at the twinkling stars in the sky, full of serenity.
It was lying on your back on the grass, feeling a cool summer breeze brush across your skin.
It was the warm grip of a hand on yours, a hand you trusted, a hand that wouldn’t let you go.
Her hand…
If I could just hold her hand once again…
Just for a moment, just for a few seconds more. I wouldn’t complain or press her for more time. Just that little bit would make me feel better, like we weren’t drawing away from each other as the days and months and years passed.
But we were.
And there was nothing I was doing to stop the inevitable downfall.
She’d find someone.
She’d hold someone else’s hand.
She’d grip it tight and not let go.
And I… would wish it was me.
By the time morning came, I was exhausted mentally. I’d slept, sure. If five hours of waking and falling asleep again for thirty minutes at a time on repeat was ‘actual sleep’. It wasn’t, but I kept my mouth shut about it. I merely walked into the nearly empty kitchen, grabbed an apple and jogged out of the house with a grunted good morning to my dad. Apparently, it was his turn to make breakfast today. I chowed down on the apple and noted the time.
A run would feel good.
After thinking for maybe two more seconds until the apple was just a stick of seeds in the core that I’d left, I made the choice.
A run it was going to be.
I plopped the remnants of the apple into the bin of dirt and composting remnants of food scraps outside the house and kicked off my clothes, leaving them in a pile by the house. I shifted and took off, sprinting into the woods.
A perk of being well-known by the patrol? A perk of having them as coworkers and friends?
They let me pass without question.
I kept to the woods, steering clear of any human smells and populations. My feet thundered on the ground as I sprinted freely.
By the time I smelled it, I wasn’t sure if I’d been trying too hard to wear myself out before the day started in order to torture myself for yesterday’s mistake of not working hard enough, or if I just had the energy to burn.
But I smelled it.
It hit me like a tank.
I stopped so suddenly that I left tracks in the dirt with my claws. I lifted my head and nose, sniffing the air. The scent was faint. It smelled nice. Like flowers. Only… I glanced down at the flowers right next to my feet. It wasn’t those flowers. It wasn’t any flower that grew here. No. I knew the smells of these woods better than anyone. This was a new smell.
This was like catnip to a cat.
But I was a wolf.
What was the equivalent? A bone?
But cats liked bones too…
The smell got stronger, and I was back on alert. It was moving.
Moving…
And so was I, closer to the source.
I needed to know what it was. I needed to see it, to smell it up close, to know where it came from and how it arrived.
Every instinct within told me that I needed these things, or I’d never sleep. This wasn’t something that I could just un-smell and run away from with a small lingering curiosity.
It wasn’t like that at all.
It was pulling me in.
I bounded forward carefully, until the scent nearly overtook all of my senses. I saw movement in the clearing up ahead and my ears perked, listening intently. I crept closer, not like stalking prey, but just walking forward.
And then I saw what was making that smell.
My thoughts halted.
For a whole two seconds, I froze, not believing what I was seeing.
A wolf.
A wolf backing away from me.
I didn’t even have time to think that the wolf was the prettiest color I’d ever seen, and I’d seen a lot of wolves. Quite nearly hundreds of wolves. They weren’t… this pretty to me, somehow.
My heart pounded in my chest as my throat clenched in anxiety.
I knew what this was.
And to think I’d been worried about her finding someone… when it was me who did first.
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