When Jane and Kat came back from the beach, with a tag-a-long Noah, things changed a bit. Noah was cool, even if we didn’t talk much. Kat was happier, but maintained an air of worry and guilt. It was clear why when we all learned of what transpired down at the beach.
Jane herself had changed, and it was palpable when she visited home a week later. It was an adjustment for all of us. I mean, it wasn’t like I had no experience with PTSD – some of the shifters had to quit patrol work for their mental health. Some things just rattled you, and there was nothing you could do in the moment except try and handle what you could. It didn’t even have to be purposeful negative intent. Accidents could cause deep scars. Sometimes the after, when it was all done, the small snap of a twig or the clank of metal could set someone off into a panic, throwing them back into the situation they’d never truly been able to get over.
I’d had to pin down a colleague who’d shifted and stopped recognizing their surroundings or friends. It was hard, even if you weren’t the one who was scared for your life.
Heck, sometimes our parents would still wake up from nightmares… shouting or screaming, and twenty years had passed already.
So, Jane came back. But not all of her was with us every hour. It wasn’t the same her.
There were moments that she started shaking or crying or tried to frantically wipe something invisible off of her hands. The only the second day she was back, she started openly sobbing on the kitchen floor. Lee had to come pick her up and carry her off so we could continue making lunch. Maybe the sauce was too red. Maybe it was the knife we were using to cut up vegetables.
Little triggers.
They always did the most harm.
I missed the old her, the one that joked and laughed and teased me to hell and back. A light had dimmed within her eyes. Her jokes fell a little flat. But I saw how patient Lee was. How gentle. How he didn’t give her empty words. No matter how it turned out, I knew he was going to be right there for her.
Despite all that, how did we end up like this? In this specific situation?
I mentally groaned.
“Is something wrong?”
How was it that she was the one dealing with all of this, and she was also the one comforting me right now? Wasn’t that a little odd? Yeah. It was just plain wrong.
I didn’t answer her question. Just trying to figure out the answer was a headache.
“Didn’t you figure stuff out with your True Mate yet?”
I’d, in a lapse of judgement, admitted to her weeks ago why I’d been so in my own head and not in the realm of reality after I’d bumped into one too many doorways with mostly muttered curses. She’d literally grabbed my elbow and drug me off into a nearby room, closed the door and whisper yelled at me, asking me what was going on.
I wasn’t going to tell her. But it kind of slipped out when she started making guesses based off of her own experiences.
Something was different about how she was looking at me now. It almost seemed like she was sad about something.
I sighed.
“No.” As if it wasn’t obvious. When she just stared at me, not saying anything in response, I practically felt compelled to tell her what was going on. On how much it was messing up my daily life. But I hated the thought of making her worry about something I needed to handle myself. I hated it. “I’ve… actually been avoiding shifting at all,” I admitted slowly.
Her eyes widened.
Yeah. I was surprised too, that I’d been able to hold off shifting for this long. But here I was. Here we were. And out there somewhere… was her.
And I was running. With shoes. And clothes. In the morning. It was a nightmare. A sticky sweaty slow nightmare.
“Huh? Why?”
As my older sister, having been raised in the same house as me since I was born, and her only having moved out earlier this year, it meant she had nearly two decades of knowledge on me. Including things that I likely didn’t even notice that I did. Of course, I still had my secrets, ones I’d likely take to my grave, but she knew my habits. On more than one occasion, I’d gotten into brief arguments, that I won, against our parents. Those arguments? They were about me shifting so often, sometimes spending a whole day shifted as a wolf on days in which I could just laze around and do nothing.
She knew I never gave up shifting for anyone.
Ever.
And now, here, I’d gone weeks without it. Months. I was out of my mind. I was antsy, my leg always bouncing whenever my foot hit the floor while I sat down.
I gave Jane a wincing smile.
“You know how it is,” I told her with a shake of my head. “Way back when…with Lee? Could you really stay away from him easily if you shifted?”
That brought a laugh out of her. She sighed, as if remembering. That small sparkle came back to her eyes for a moment. Her and Lee had discovered they were True Mates long before any of the rest of our friend group found ours. Years ago. And then they kept it a secret. She only confessed later that it had been one month. That was as much as she could handle being apart from him without being totally bonded together.
This… My situation… was going on three months.
“Ah. No. It was really hard to control my wolf.” She took a deep breath, and then that sparkle was gone again. She was quiet for a minute, watching me. I kept my face in check, not making any certain expressions. Eventually, her voice called out gently, with a dangerous question. “And that’s the only reason?”
I felt my jaw tense as I turned just that little bit to meet her eyes. That look. The look she was giving me… She was looking at me like she knew something… the something that I never told anyone.
I’d kept it… hidden. Right?
She couldn’t know, could she?
I scoffed, with a blunt “Yeah,” but I didn’t know what kind of face I was making as I said it.
She rolled her eyes and heaved another sigh.
“Are you sure it’s not because you…”
She was making a face again. When my eyes had narrowed at her words, she’d trailed off looking down at the floor.
…like Lynn?
Was that how she was going to finish that question? I held my breath, staring right at her as if daring her to finish that sentence, to say it all out loud so I could flat-out lie and deny it. Almost as if sensing I was going to do just that, Jane kept her mouth shut firmly, staring right back at me.
And then we were interrupted by a knock and a voice.
Kat.
I was saved by the knocks.
She was calling for Jane’s presence. And it had nothing to do with me, but I stood and went to the doorway with her.
When we reached the door, she told me something, “Well, I don’t know if this will help you, but I’ve been… I write letters sometimes, now, uh, even if I never send them. Even if, they’re to me. Maybe…” She shrugged, almost violently, as if she was unsure of her words. Her fingernails were digging into her palm. It was taking a lot for her to admit this information aloud. “You could try it too.”
For a few seconds, I was stunned into silence as I contemplated her words. A letter… even if I don’t send it?
But what if I actually send…
She turned to go in my silence and I called out to her.
“Jane?”
“Hm?”
I hugged her. After a moment, her arms wrapped around my back. Before she even pulled away, I could feel the fresh tears that were soaking into my shirt.
“I’ll try it. Thank you.”
“Yeah. No problem.”
She hid her sniffle as she pulled back. Not three seconds later, Lee was ascending the stairs with a small smile.
“Hey there, Will.”
“Hey.”
I bumped my fist against his waiting one.
“Take care of yourself.”
“You too. And take care of my dearest sister.” I replied with a half-joke and grin.
Lee responded in kind, taking on the joking mood.
“Of course.”
Jane pouted as she looked between us.
“Hey, I’m your only sister, and I can take care of myself!”
“I know, I know. Most of the time.”
“Excuse me?!”
As they headed out, I was smiling. Lee coaxed a laugh out of her as they made their way down to Kat and Noah.
Jane was so lucky to have someone like that. So lucky…
To…
My mind went to their linked arms.
To hold…
Everyone followed them out of the front door.
And I was left all alone.
Again.
I was always alone these days.
Why was it that now, being alone now felt different? More oppressive?
Heavy on the heart.
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