When I was little, I wasn’t always the troublemaker. Josephine, who could transform into a wolf at will, no matter her age, was always causing a ruckus. It was her ability. I could control air and she could control her shift and keep her clothes in the process. For everyone else, we had to wait until we were 13 years old before we could change into our wolf forms. That’s also the age from which people could feel the True Mate connection.
I was with Mom often, with the famed Alpha Blakeley… though I never saw her as such. She was always just…
Mom.
While Josephine discovered her powers just months after we were born, mine took longer. It took years.
And when it did come… my little world changed.
I got my powers and then Mom put up a wall between us. My powers were the same as her dead sister. Back then, I didn’t realize what a big impact that had on her. She’d always been invincible and strong, so when I slammed right into a weakness, I wasn’t prepared for the outcome.
Since she knew how to control her own powers, and knew Aunt Helena’s just as well as her own, she’d been the one to teach me how to control mine. And right from the start, I knew I was only causing her problems. Halfway through teaching, she’d zone out, only to be startled back to reality and cut the lesson short. Or she’d have this look on her face…
Full of sadness and pain.
I knew I was causing it.
And slowly, Mom started to stay away from me.
Hugs stopped.
Head pats stopped.
Conversations slowly became shorter and choppier, with lengthy silences in the middle of them.
That was what growing up with my powers had given me.
I’d just become a burden to my Mom.
Sure, it didn’t help that I’d overheard a late-night conversation she’d had with her oldest friend. Jacob. They’d grown up together, trapped underground in a prison. They fought together. And through luck, they’d managed to reunite all these years later.
He’d told her she didn’t look great. She admitted to being stressed and not getting enough sleep.
And then my name came up.
‘Is this about Lynn?’
With my name, came the agreement that I was the cause.
‘How’d you know?’
I’d held my breath as I listened, wishing I’d heard nothing. I was too young to hear something like that. Too little and too afraid.
Helena’s powers.
They spoke of them, of how I had the same ones.
‘She has the same powers Helena had. It can’t be easy for you.’
Mom admitted that it was hard to help me.
‘I’m trying to help her with her abilities, but it’s just… it’s hard.’
Her voice cracked as she said it. And I stopped listening. I used every bit of stealth I had to leave unnoticed. And I did.
But who could I tell?
I felt guilty. But talking to either Mom or to Mother wasn’t an option. I couldn’t bring myself tell Josephine either. Or anyone else.
So it stayed within.
They didn’t deserve that kind of burden from me, I told myself repeatedly, not when I was already a burden. I needed to keep this to myself.
And every time I practiced my powers, growing steadily stronger and under greater control, only to see that sadness in her eyes again, I blamed myself for putting it there.
Whenever I felt I was going to explode from containing it inside my body and mind for so long, I ran to the old treehouse. Jo and I used to go there often to play. Then Jo stopped going and it became mine. It became my secret hideout.
Nobody would come to find me there.
Nobody.
At least, that was what I thought back then.
And then one of those bad days found me. He did too.
He said hi.
I allowed him up.
And then it was silent until it wasn’t. I was the one to break it.
His always stoic expression and calm smile somehow made it all burst out of me in a flood. I was frantic, crying, my voice hitching as I tried to speak, with snot running down my face. The tears wouldn’t stop rolling.
But, he didn’t freak out, didn’t tell me it wasn’t a big deal…
He listened through the sobs and calmly asked questions on my opinions, asked me why it was making me upset.
I explained it all, every last thing, and at the end of it, I couldn’t lift my eyes to meet his. He grabbed a Kleenex from who knew where and wiped my face off. I snatched it from him before he could get too far and did the rest myself. My face red, a headache blooming, I felt too ashamed to even open my eyes.
I’d bared my soul for it to get crushed by a boy. It was to be the most devastating thing to ever happen to me, something that would’ve kept me from ever opening up to someone again. But he didn’t crush me. And I didn’t break.
It wasn’t a moment later that I was in his arms, his gentle, but firm embrace. My body had stiffened at the impact, the contact unfamiliar and strange.
His hands and body were cool, while mine was practically overheated.
I sniffled.
I’d expected this to go differently. I expected laughter and pain, but I’d found a friend. And when I relaxed, wrapping my arms around him and clutching his shirt in small fists, then he decided to speak.
“I want to tell you you’re okay, but you’re not right now,” he started. “I want to tell you it’ll all work out and everything will be fine, but I don’t know the future, so I can’t give that to you either.”
My breath had calmed hearing his voice whisper so close to my ear.
“So, what I will tell you is this…”
I looked up as he paused and found him staring down at me, into the depths of my soul.
“Whenever you need an ear, whenever you need someone to hold your hand and let you cry in peace without questions and scrutiny… I’ll be there.” “You can tell me anything, okay Lynn? Nobody else gets to know about this.”
“Even if it’s nothing?” I practically begged.
He smiled and pulled me back into a hug.
“Even then. Especially then.”
I clutched onto him, burying my face into his chest and tears began to fall again.
Did I even deserve such an offer? Did I deserve this kind of friend? Wasn’t I just a burden to him too? Why should he have to listen to me whine about being sad and unworthy?
“Hey…”
I sniffled and looked up into his eyes again.
“How about I write you letters? And then you can reread them if you’re feeling blue and I’m too far away…”
I nodded.
“Thank you,” I whispered, not knowing how to reject such a tempting offer. I hadn’t asked for anything. He was willing to do it on his own.
He leaned his forehead against mine, surprising me for a few seconds. But he just smiled warmly, the brightest of his smiles I’d seen yet… and I was enamored by it, even back then.
“You don’t need to thank me. I rather enjoyed listening to you speak about your troubles.”
I snorted.
What?
How could anyone enjoy such a thing?
“Enjoyed… my troubles?”
He sighed, his lips a puffed up as he pouted.
“I don’t like that you have troubles, but I’m glad you told me about them. That’s what I meant.”
“Ah… I guess I’ll have to keep telling you them then, because I don’t think they’re going away that easy.” I half joked.
His eyes smiled at me, crinkling at the corners.
“My ears might stop working if I don’t use them to listen to you.”
Was he… making a joke?
I laughed lightly at his ridiculous statement and his smile grew as he spoke words I’d carry with me… just like all the rest of what he said.
“I’m happy to hear them all. I’m happy to hear anything you want to tell me.”
I snuggled back into his arms and he ran his hand in circles on my back, soothingly. This kid, only a year younger than I, had found me and eased my mind. I never questioned it once. It might’ve been strange, but somehow, I knew he’d never tell anyone, that he’d never break my trust in him.
My first real friend that I could share everything with.
So, it was hard to part ways. It was hard to be apart. At the end of the day, there were so many things I wanted to talk about with him, to tell him. It wasn’t only bad things. It was little achievements or a fun joke I wanted to share.
I kept a notebook near my bed and found myself writing my days in there, only to send them his way when I filled up the page. It was my own kind of letter.
And another year went by before I knew it.
By then, I was scheming on how to make things more bearable for everyone. Mom, especially.
“I want to find a way to spend more time with Mom without freaking her out with my powers, but I can’t think of anything.”
We were sitting in the treehouse again. I went there often – every single time he came over, and all the times he didn’t.
I started picking at my clothing, feeling nervous for admitting it aloud, but Will only tilted his head.
“Does your Mom still do those practice fights with the Beta?”
Everything seemed to brighten in the world around me when he asked. I could see it on his face as he did, exactly what he was thinking when he’d asked that.
“Oh my gosh! I can have her teach me to fight, without powers!”
I squealed and threw my arms around him, but even this spontaneous hug didn’t catch him off guard. He’d already braced for the impact so we wouldn’t topple over.
I had nuzzled my face against his neck, feeling happier than ever. I could feel his smile in his words, as he didn’t take credit for the idea. His hand lightly pet the hair on the back of my head. It was soothing. And he was warm.
“Look at you, figuring it all out.”
I tightened my grip on him, hugging him harder. I closed my eyes, my smile free and unchained.
“Thank you, Will,” I whispered. “You figured it out.”
“Don’t be thanking me yet, I had an idea myself.”
I had pulled back, stunned and confused by his words.
“What’s your idea?”
His face had gone back to one of the many shades of stoic that he had. I used to have names for all of them. All in my head, of course. This one was the Mischievous Stoic Face. A grin slowly started to form on his face as he drew out the silence, capturing my full attention as he did. I leaned forward in anticipation.
“How about we become sparing partners too, so we can both get better.”
I was smiling again, beaming brightly at his words. I nodded enthusiastically. It meant I could spend more time with him, so with that, I was overjoyed.
“I’d like that.”
“Good. Me too.”
Time went on, and we practiced fighting together often. It was fun and we both ended up victors at various points. Sometimes, I’d wonder if he’d thrown those fights on purpose. But there had been one moment that told me at least once, my victory had been true. The stunned, wide-eyed, speechless look on his face as he was on his back and I was standing, told me he hadn’t planned it at all, at least not that time.
That single victory became my go-to pick-me-up whenever I felt like I couldn’t do a thing right. It made me long for those days. It made me smile.
Back then, in those days that I’d later wish to revisit, I grew my hair out longer, and I’d learned something interesting.
Of course, the first person to know of it was Will. Who else?
“Ma said that Aunt Helena could put her hair up with her powers, not even using her hands, but I don’t really want to try doing that at the house in case it makes Mom worry or freak out again, so I asked you here for your help because you don’t make fun of or judge me!”
I’d rushed to get out all the words, and by the time I was done, my face was red and I was sure that none of what had been coming out of my mouth at lightning speed had been comprehensible.
Will’s eyes had grown slightly wider in my rushed speaking, but after a few seconds, I blinked and they were back to normal, a slight grin on his face as he nodded to me.
Lynn’s face is red as she finished speaking.
“Sure. Let’s see you try it.”
All my worries were sated once more, just by a few words. I nodded right back at him and bit my lip as I tried the very first time.
Hair smacked my face.
It was a fail.
Again and again, I tried.
Over and over, I failed.
After so many attempts that led to nothing but failure, I had tears rising in my eyes out of frustration. I tried to bat at my hair with a hand to calm it down, seeing as it had become quite the mess after so many wild attempts.
I huffed and sat down on the floor.
Will stood, only to sit behind me and reach for my hair. I trusted him more than anyone else, but I froze when I wasn’t sure what he was up to.
But then the tangles started getting combed free by his fingers, slowly, gently.
He was helping me again.
“This stays between you and me, got it? I don’t need my sister or cousin thinking I’m some sort of hair guy and have them asking me to help them with theirs.”
I smiled then, knowing deep down that Jane, his sister, would never trust him to do her hair. And Kat, the cousin? That’s who Jane went to for help with that sort of thing. Kat didn’t trust anyone with her hair except for herself. I’d always suspected a sort of hair accident with her parents when she was little did that.
I knew he was saying all of those words for my benefit. And that time, the tears that secretly slipped out were no longer ones of frustration, but of soothing relief, of calm wonder, and happiness at being cared for.
By the end of the day, he’d volunteered his services to untangle my hair several times. I’d had one semi-successful attempt, and it felt like the congrats he gave me were worth far more than the completion of my own mission I’d given myself.
His support was everything.
Needless to say, when I did master it… Mom had seen me do it. Even though she didn’t say anything, just stared at me with wide eyes before leaving the house, I noticed her hands shaking. From then on, I stopped using it unless I was sure I was alone, in my own room, with the window shades and door closed.
By the end of that year, he stopped coming over. From then on, he became harder to contact often. He wrote fewer letters. He opted against getting a phone right away. And he started working…
But we still talked.
Sometimes.
Sometimes just through letters, sometimes through a landline phone.
The times we did talk made me appreciate it all the more. We were pulling apart as though something between us had changed, but we were still tied together. Though our relationship maintained the minimum, the one with Mom only grew more strained as time went on.
If only I could leave here, go home, and… and then…
I sighed to myself, internally, not giving Myrus the opportunity to witness my unspoken struggles expelled in a heavy exhalation.
It wasn’t that easy to fix broken things. Relationships were more complicated than toys. When I got back home, who was to say it would change anything.
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