When was the last time I truly felt awake?

I can't recall. It is still too difficult. I know I am alive. That is one thing I am sure about. But, even so, why do I actually feel nothing?

And it's not like every other 'nothing'. This one is real, so real I couldn't actually describe it properly because of how empty it feels.

Even when I wake up to the sound of the alarm, when I hear the birdsong coming from outside the window of my room or when I hear the voice of my older brother reaching out to me telling me I'm gonna be late for school again.

Despite all of that, I still feel nothing. And thus, I find myself wondering again:

When was the last time I truly felt awake?

I still can't seem to find the answer to that question. At least, not yet.

✑

"What the hell is taking you so goddamn long, Ethan?! Come on, get ready or I'll be late for work!" That's my brother's voice. His name is Cole. I've been living here, in this town, with him and dad for the past 2 years, since mum left us. 

I know he loves me. He's always taking care of me, no matter what. I wish he didn't worry so much. I think I can handle myself most of the time. Yet, he's always there for me. I can't say I'm not grateful for it, though.

"Just a second! Almost done!" 

As I was trying to fit into my tight blue jumper and my ripped-old pants, as I could, I kept all the stuff I needed inside my backpack. Books, books, and more books. Maybe some notebooks, pencils and pens, too. I didn’t even know what I needed all those for, but I decided to take them with me anyway. Maybe that’s why I have back pain from time to time. Cole always says my bag is too heavy. I think I should start taking some weight off it. Not the books, though. Those are essential. My only way to find some entertainment in what little I have to do so.

"For fuck's sake. Do I really need to be all over you every morning?"

"Sorry, you know I have a deep sleep."

"No shit, Ethan. I already know that. Just hurry up and get to the car."

To be fair, that's not something I've been able to get myself to control. For a long time, I've felt that waking up every day has become harder and harder. I feel tired. I just don't want to do anything. Not at all.

At least, hearing my brother's voice scolding me really does put a smile on my face. I can see how much he cares for me. Although he might not be very indulgent at times. Not even a bit.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"What? I'm hungry. Can't I have breakfast?" I said while trying to make a sandwich as quickly as possible. 

He didn't let me finish it anyway.

"There's no time for that now." He said while pulling me from my jumper.

"Bu-but–"

"Bites me. Should've woken up earlier then. Treat yourself to something at school."

I gave up and just let him drag me to the inside of his car. The seat on the upfront right side, to be exact.

“I’m gonna have to put a big speaker in front of your door every day so that you wake up on time at least once.” He said while putting his seatbelt on.

“You know I hate loud sounds.”

“Yep. That’s exactly why.”

He turned to see me. I could see him smile. That made me smile, too. 

"You're so silly, bro." I said jokingly.

"Well, that makes two of us."

He laughed. I did as well. Then, he started driving.

✑

I think I’ve seen this picture once so many times. The one that now unfolds right before my eyes, and through the glass of the window I gently rest my head on. 

I can see it clearly, and I don’t think it’s ever changed since the first time I did. Maybe I have already gotten used to it; its color doesn't appeal to me anymore. Nor the way it changes as the car moves along and through it. 

The shadows of the trees go back and forth, as well as the leaves that may fall from them when they feel their time has already come.

Now I see them dance with the wind. So beautiful. So sad.

“So… how’s school going?” His sudden voice caught me off guard. I had almost forgotten he had been there this whole time. That picture outside the car window had caught all my attention. Imbued in my own fantasy. My own liberty. 

But it’s true. I am still part of the real world. How cruel…

Sometimes, I wish I was a leaf too.

“Well… same old, same old. Nothing to write home about.”

“Is that so? Have you done nothing?”

“Not really.”

“You haven’t made new friends this year?”

“Not interested.”

To be honest, it’s not as if I didn’t want to interact more with other people. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of trying new things which I know won’t work out in the end. I’m tired of having regrets, of feeling down because of something I knew from the very beginning would not end up well. I’ve experienced that too many times. I don’t think I wanna experience it again. Not this time.

“Well, that’s sad. Thought you’d be more excited since it’s your last year before going to college.”

Sounds like something my brother would say. He graduated from university a few years ago. Ever since he got his degree in law he’s been working full time in this law firm located in the city center. He always wears his blue suit everywhere during the weekdays. He seems to enjoy the job. I am happy about that. But, being honest, I don’t think I can follow in his footsteps. I don’t really want to. I believe I have other dreams for the future. 

Can’t really elucidate which ones, though. 

Hope I find them soon.

“I’m not really sure I want to go to university.”

“What?!”

He was quite surprised about it. I think I expected it. 

“What do you mean you’re not sure you want to go to uni?”

“I don’t know. Why should I, though?”

“It’s important, you know? For your future. And everything.”

I clearly knew what he meant by that, but I didn’t quite understand the logic behind it. Couldn’t I be happy if I chose something else? What a shitty life, then.

     “I just think it’s useless. Period.”

“How can you say that? Even when dad and I try so hard to look after you and give you the best possible life.”

Those words surprised me. My eyes wide open.

“Why are you bringing up dad, now? He’s got nothing to do with this.”

Cole sighed. 

“You see, Ethan, I know you still hate dad, and I can’t blame you for it. But he’s changed. At least, he’s trying to make things better.”

“Yeah, bullshit. Is it that you’ve forgotten what he did to us?”

I knew he tried to answer that question. But he couldn’t. I know it was too difficult. Even I couldn’t have. Instead, he just clicked his tongue and went on driving. He knew that was something not so easily forgivable. And that infuriated me. Because, deep inside, I really wanted to forgive him too. But it wasn't possible. Not yet. 

“He’s the reason mom killed herself.”

Those words left my mouth without hesitation. I couldn’t get myself to repress them. I could also feel my hands shaking. I didn’t want to remember all of that. Not again.

“You still haven’t got over her, have you?” He asked as he glanced at me.

“You have?” 

I heard him sigh again.

“It’s been two years now, Ethan. Don’t you think it’s better to just move on?”

I really want to. But I can’t. It still pains me. Every day. Every night. Before going to bed. After waking up. I hate it. I want it to stop. But it doesn’t. 

Never does.

Never will.

“I just want to go back. For once. Just for once.”

My brother and I didn’t exchange words for the rest of the ride.