Now that I’m sitting here, I can’t keep wondering:

What are all these people thinking about?

Well, they’re all teenagers, so it must be something related to alcohol, sex or the exam due tomorrow they have to study for. 

Most of them, sharing their thoughts with the people they are closest to. You can hear their laughs, you can see how they are just enjoying not having to worry about anything at all. 

Most of the time I wish I was like them, too. But I can’t. ‘Cause I can’t help thinking about things most people would say I don’t really need to think about. 

Jay would probably also tell me that. And I can’t blame him for it. I think he just wants me to be happy. And I think it would be unfair to him not to try, at least. 

Maybe that’s why I keep following him around. 

Maybe it’s just that I need someone to show me what life is really all about. Someone that can make me see that, sometimes, not wanting to give a shit about anything is also okay. 

“Hey, can I take some of your bread?” Jay asked me from the other side of the table.

“Yeah. I don’t want it, anyway.”

“Thanks”.

I could see him wolf down on that piece of bread. He seemed to be enjoying it. 

We were now sitting at one of the tables in the center of the cafeteria. It was just us two. Nobody else. And it had always been like that. ‘Cause Jay was the only friend I had. And I was the only friend he had, too. 

We didn’t really care about it, though. We were fine as it was.

And yet, while looking around us, I still think about what it would be like if we had some other people we could talk with. 

And in doing so, I seemed to come across her figure one more time. She was sitting two tables away from us. Her beauty didn’t cease to amaze me.

She was sitting with some guys from the high school football team, along with her best friend. Hal Jaret. 

She was also sitting next to her boyfriend, who also happened to be one of the members of the team. 

I’m sure they were all trying to hook up with Claire. In the end, she was really popular, and all those guys were really popular at our school, too. No wonder they all thought they had a chance with her. 

One of them suddenly turned his head and looked straight at me. He was the captain of the football club, Brad Buckster. I looked away right after he fixed his gaze on me. That made me feel really uncomfortable.

“Oh? Was it me or were you just staring at Claire Delaney again?” Jay actually knew what I thought about her. Well, of course he did. He was the only person I could tell that to.

“N-no. Of course, not.” 

He chuckled. 

“Come on, Ethan. When are you going to try and talk to her?”

“It’s not that easy. She would never be interested in someone like me.”

“What the hell are you saying?!” Jay exclaimed. “You never know until you try, you know?”

I knew he was right. And, despite that, I still couldn’t. It was too difficult.

“That’s what I was talking about when I said we had to try different things. We won’t get anywhere if we just stay on the sidelines all the time.”

“Bu-but–”

“No buts. If you don’t do anything, the year will fly by and when you least expect it, you will have blown your chance. It’s now or never.“

It was true. It was all true. I knew it was. And still…

“I don’t know, man. I just want to-”

In that moment I could feel something cold landing in my head and my back. I then turned to see what had happened, and there he was. Brad Buckster. Apparently, he had spilled a glass of coke on the top of my head. 

I was confused. But some people had already done it a few times in the past. I was used to being laughed at. 

It was all normal. I had always been the weird one. 

“Oh, what a mess. Looks like I wasn’t looking where I was going. Sorry, Peeping Tom.”

He then hit me with the paper glass and just kept on walking. I could see Jay was angry. He stood up while frowning. 

“Hey, asshole.”

Brad turned around.

“What did you just call me, prick?”

“You’ve heard me. What do you think you’re doing, huh?”

They were now facing each other just half a meter away. They got the attention of all the people in there. I didn’t know what to do. Just like always.

“That’s what he gets for being so annoying. Tell that loser not to look at us that way.”

“That seems like your problem, fucker. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Now you’re really getting on my nerves.”

They were starting to close distances.

“Then fuck off and apologize properly.”

“As if I’m gonna listen to you, faggot.”

Jay then punched him right in the nose. Brad kicked him in return. Jay fell to the ground and Brad started to hit him fiercely on the face. 

I couldn’t understand it. I didn’t want Jay to get in trouble because of me. It was all my fault, and I didn’t know how to solve it. 

I hate myself for it.

When will I stop being such a fucking coward?

✑

The door opened. 

I was sitting right in front of it. 

As I raised my head, I could see him come out of there with bandages all over his face. 

“Jay.”

I really didn’t know what to say. I think that was the first time something like that had happened to him. And it was all because of me.

“I’m sorry.” That’s the only thing I could say.

“Why are you apologizing?”

That surprised me. Wasn’t he mad at me? He had every right to be.

“It was not your fault. That asshole picked on you. I couldn’t let it slide.”

Ah… it’s true. Jay’s like that. Always standing up for what he believes in. I really admire that part of him.

I had always wanted to be like that, too. And even though I’ve tried, it’s still impossible. 

‘Cause when the time comes, I know I’ll still be looking down. Just like I’ve always done. Just like now.

“Was the principal in the infirmary as well?” I asked.

“Ah, yeah. He came to say he would let it slide this time. He knows I can’t afford messing it up even more.”

Well, yes. Jay was a little too absent-minded at times. He forgot his homework quite regularly. He was also late for class most of the time. He always sleeps in class when he gets too bored. And his grades are not that good, either.

And, despite that, he still doesn’t care one bit about what other people think about him. That’s what it looks like to me, at least.

“Ah, that prick got me good, didn’t he?”

He was touching his bandages, trying to see how messed up his face was. 

He couldn’t see it pretty well. But I could. And, yes, it was really bad.

And that’s why I started laughing. Not because of the way his face looked, but because of how carefree he seemed to be in spite of it. If I asked him, he would probably say: “I just don’t give a fuck.” And that’s ok. Because, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to laugh like this when I’m around him.

“Hey, why are you laughing so much, you bastard? I got my face all messed up for you.” He said jokingly.

He was right. And I thanked him for it. 

I didn’t need to say it, anyway. I’m sure he knew I was thinking that. He knew me that much. And I knew him that much, too.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” I said while trying to get myself together. 

I could see him smile.

“You know? I love it when you laugh like that. You almost never do it. Maybe I should get myself kicked more often.”

“Yeah. Just try not to end up in the infirmary next time.” I answered ironically.

“Yes, maybe that’s better.”

These kind of moments really enliven my heart. I hope they last forever. 

I know they don’t. But, even so, I still hope so. I don’t think it’s that bad to dream about those kinds of things, either. 

Is that what being young is all about?

Dreaming about things you know won’t ever happen?

Well, in the end, dreaming is free. That’s something we can all afford. Then, why not do it?

Maybe Jay was right, after all. 

“You really live up to your words, you know?” I said.

Jay looked at me a bit puzzled.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“When you said we have to look for new experiences. Now, you’ve really accomplished that, haven’t you?”

“Ah. Yeah. Maybe. But I don’t think I meant this kind of experience, you see?”

I chuckled.

“Yeah. Maybe not.”

It was written all over his face. He was relieved. He seemed happy. Genuinely. I think that was written all over mine as well.

“Thank you, Jay.”

“Don’t worry, Ethan. You know I got you. I always will.”

“Yeah, I know.”

And I will always carry those words with me.