Where were we?

Ah, yes, it was the garden at the entrance of the school. 

We were now sitting by an old big tree, whose shadow covered us from the sun.

We were playing some random card game that Jay really liked. I was pretty bad at it. 

“Haha! Got ya.”

“C’mon man. This isn’t fair. You’re way better at this than me.” I said.

“Ah, stop whining, dude. You just have to pay more attention.” Jay said jokingly.

I looked at him a bit annoyed. 

“Sometimes you really make me wanna hit you, you know?”

He just laughed it out.

“Yeah. Fair enough.” He said.

Then, as I planned my next move, I could see someone waving at us from a distance. 

“Bye, Ethan! Don’t forget to return the book, okay?”

It was Claire. She was with Hal, who, unlike her best friend, had short brown curly hair and brown bright eyes as well. She was also slightly shorter than her. And her styles were also very different. Claire used to wear very casual clothes, whereas Hal always wore things like skirts, tops and whatever fancy stuff you could imagine. 

And, in spite of looking so different, they still seemed to get along really well. I don’t know why, but I was happy about it. That image really does put a smile on my face. 

“By-bye!” I said that while waving her goodbye, too. 

“Oh? So everything’s going well with Claire, I see…” And Jay said that with his usual sarcastic tone. 

“Agh. Shut up, Jay.”

He knew that Claire was a member of the Literature Club. I told him about it as soon as I could. Ever since, he does nothing but tease me about it. 

“Well, you’ve gotten closer with one of the most popular girls at high school. Maybe staying in that club was worth it, after all.”

“It’s not like that.” I said. 

“Don’t you do anything there?”

“What do you mean? We just talk about books and stuff like that. Sometimes we have to plan some activities, too. Nothing big.”

“Are you kidding me, bro? That’s it? How can you be so plain?”

“I already told you. Claire doesn’t see me that way. And even if she did, I still don’t wanna change what that club means to me. It’s fine as it is. I like reading. And I like talking to her, too. It really calms me down."

Then, Jay looked at me a bit concerned. I knew exactly what he was thinking.

"Are you still having those anxiety attacks?" He asked.

“Well, it’s been a month since I last had one. I’m doing ok. I’m still taking those pills Patrick gave me. That helps too.”

“For fuck’s sake, don’t tell me you have got in touch with Patrick again.”

I sighed.

“What about it? You know he’s the only one that can get the pills for me.”

“Yeah, yeah. But he’s dangerous. You already know that. So you gotta be careful.”

In the end, Jay just wanted me to be okay. That’s why that didn’t really bother me. 

“I know, I know. Don’t worry about it. If it keeps going like this, I don’t think I’ll ever need to contact him again.”

Jay just nodded. I don’t think he was very sure about all that, but that’s the way it was. There was nothing else I could do.

“By the way, does your family already know about that?” He asked.

“No.”

“Dude, I don’t know if I’m to say this, but I think you’ll have to tell them eventually.”

I knew Jay was right. But I was afraid. I didn’t want more people to get involved in my problems. I’d always fought on my own. Maybe I still could. 

“I’m not sure. I don’t want to worry Cole more than he is right now. And I don’t wanna tell dad, either.”

Jay knew most of the problems I had with my brother and my dad, so it wasn’t weird that he didn’t try to insist. I think he just accepted the fact that, despite everything, some things were not meant to be. No matter how much I tried. And I was tired of trying.

“Also, you know this meteor shower that’s flying over the city next week?” I said trying to change the topic.

“I think I’ve heard something. Why?”

“Claire told me to go see it with her.”

Jay’s eyes opened wide. That caught him off guard.

“What?!”

“Yeah. She said that.”

“So you do talk about more stuff other than books and so.”

“Well, sometimes.” 

He grinned. I think I’ve already got used to that sarcastic expression of his. 

“Anyway, wanna come?” I said.

“Huh? Why would I come to your date?”

“God, it’s not a date. Hal’s coming as well.”

“Her best friend?”

“Yeah, exactly. She wants to see it with her too.”

“Well, yes. But I think you should just enjoy your time with her, you know? I don’t wanna meddle, either.”

And I did want to be with Claire, but I couldn’t forget that. Because if I were to experience something like that, he had to be there. 

I did want to see my best friend’s smile under the glow of the stars, as well.

“But I want you to come. We’ve never done something like this together. You said it. That we have to live different experiences together. At least, I think it’s worth trying.”

He smiled again, looked down, and pulled a card out of his deck.

“Game over. I win.” He said as he put the card down.

He then stood up, took his bag and walked right past me. I turned around. He did as well.

“You know? Stargazing with your weird but strangely kind best friend doesn’t sound that bad.”

I chuckled.

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” I said ironically.

“Hmm. Who knows. See you around, Ethan.”

And as he left, I knew that even if the world stopped turning, I would still be looking forward to that smile.

And that is beautiful.

It really is.

✑

“Ethan! Dinner’s almost ready! Come down!”

That was my brother’s voice again. He was trying to reach out to me from the kitchen. 

I was still in my room. 

Lying in bed, I looked at the ceiling. It was white as the snow. Just as it had always been.

Yet again, I find myself lost in my own thoughts. 

What was I rambling about? Nothing important, probably. 

“Okay, one sec!”

And, at that moment, as I did every night, I stood up, went to my desk, and peeked inside one of its drawers. 

And there it was, looking at me in a way words couldn’t even describe. All because of that one picture. 

I was lying in her arms. She was looking at me in the most caring way. Her smile was as bright as ever, her beauty didn't cease to amaze me, either. You could see her wearing that necklace she often used to wear, which was dyed in silver; something she gave me not long before passing away, and one thing that I've always kept with me. It's beautiful. It means so much to me. That’s still one of those things that can make me forget most of the pain I feel when I get to remember her. Because I knew that was important to her. And she wanted me to keep it. So I know I must have been important to her, too. Just as much as she was to me.

That’s why I could not get rid of it, nor the picture. Even when my brother and my dad told me they wanted to throw all her stuff away. Despite that, I still couldn't.

Cole asked me about it. He said it’d be better for me to just move on from all those things that reminded me that she’d never be back again. 

And maybe he was right. But I don’t think it’s fair to get rid of all those things, either. Because we all built those moments together. 

And I like to think that, despite everything, they were still real. They existed. I was there. We all were. And I don’t want us to forget it. Not now. Not ever. 

And although I still can’t help crying whenever I hold that picture with my hands and look at its simplicity one other time; I feel like, someday, that smile will shine again. 

Then, I hope that maybe… just maybe… all those moments will come back. Once. At least once.

“Took you long enough. Sit down. I’ll serve the dishes.” Cole said that as I arrived in the kitchen.

Dad was there as well. It’d been a few days since the last time I had talked to him. I usually tried to avoid having contact with him. I felt rather uncomfortable when he was around me. His face makes me remember all those things that I really want to forget. 

I sat on the chair right next to him. I couldn’t stop looking down. 

“How’s school going, Ethan?” He asked as if trying to start a conversation. 

“It’s alright.” I said.

“You’re still getting good grades, right? You know you have to in order to get into a good university.”

“Yeah, whatever. As if you cared.”

I think that caught him off guard. He didn’t know what to say. I’m sure that bothered him a bit.

“What are you trying to say, son?”

“Nothing dad, forget it. It doesn’t even matter. I don’t even want to go to university.”

“What?!”

His expression changed drastically. Just like my brother, my father had always thought that way. Even if it meant I couldn’t chase my dreams anymore. 

“You heard it.”

“You have to go to university, Ethan. It’s really important for you.”

I laughed ironically. 

“How funny. Now you say that.”

“I don’t get what you mean, Ethan.”

“Yeah, I know. You never have. I wouldn’t expect you to do it now, anyway.”

“Come on, son. You know I’m trying to make things better. That’s unfair.”

I couldn’t stand those words anymore. And I knew that maybe I would regret it. But being there wasn’t something I really wanted. That’s why I just stood up and left. 

“Yeah, I guess it fucking is. Right, dad?”

Cole saw me leave as well. 

“Hey, Ethan, what are you doing? Dinner’s almost ready.”

“I’m not hungry.” I said. 

I then went back to my room, looked at my mom’s picture one more time, and cried my eyes out as I thought about all those dreams that seemed to be evaporating from my mind. 

I can’t stop thinking about it. 

I just wish it didn’t have to be like that. 

Things would be so much easier that way.

But all those memories tell me that, in this reality, nothing is so simple. 

‘Cause simplicity is something not everybody can achieve. 

I guess mom never told me about it. 

Well, she never had the chance to do it anyway.