It felt weird, just me and Alexander and Bens adoption Mum and Dad. Alexander’s still too young to talk to properly, and I don’t hate his adoption parents or anything but I don’t feel like I’m too friendly with them either. His adoption Mum has this thing where she avoids talking about anything even slightly deep or emotional since Ben went to the psychiatric ward. His adoption Dad’s the same, but he makes up for it by talking about books all the time. We all get along fine, but I don’t feel like we ever talk about anything important.

They still don’t even like talking openly about Ben’s eating disorder, even though he’s getting proper treatment now. I thought things might change; that we might start being more open about feelings and stuff.

But we’re not.

‘Can you imagine being a really old man?’ Ben says, putting on an old-man voice, and Alexander giggles, shuffling up to join us against the headboard. Ben’s smile is contagious.

They start playing I-spy. Today’s going to be difficult for everyone, but everyone has difficult days, I guess. I used to think that difficult was better than boring, but I know better now. There have been a lot of difficult days in the past few months. There have been too many difficult days.

‘Happy Christmas,’ says Ben, without any warning. He leans over Alexander and rests his head on mine. I lean a little too, my head on his shoulder. The radio plays. I think the sun is rising, or it might just be the streets lamps. I’m not going to think about the past few months, about Ben and me, about all of the sadness. I’m going to block it all out. Just for today.

‘Happy Christmas,’ I say.

I try not to fall asleep again, but I still do, Alexander’s laugh ringing in my ears.