Leo:

It was the breaking of something, that I started to feel I had to do. 

Shattering it to pieces. It would be more than satisfying. 

It was something that I had to do. 

The clash of glass breaking.

And of the breaking, itself.

Like if you would just allow yourself to take a glass. A cup, but a glass one. And throw it down as hard as you could, onto a hard surface. 

Like granite or a street.

With granite, it would shatter into thousands of shards. 

Or a street, it would break apart into jagged pieces. And the pieces would pick up all the light that was now upon them.

The sound of the shattering would cause me to focus for a brilliant second. And I would feel so alive. It would be such a rush. 

The sound itself would fill me up. It would be more than satisfying. It was something that I had to do. 

And the destruction. I don’t really know what that was about. But it would awaken something in me. My mood would be different. And it would last for a while. 

Like the time that I thought about taking Ryan’s baseball bat to the vice principal’s car window. 

The vice principal had come up to me in the courtyard of the school after second period. I was actually at that class that day. Had he been following me? It seemed that he knew right where I was.

“Leo,” he said. “We don’t allow students to leave during lunch without permission by a parent or guardian.”

“And your point is?” I said to him.

“Well, Leo,” he drew in a breath and looked down at his slip on loafers.

“You have been driving out of the school parking lot without permission.”

As if he thought saying this would make me think I had done something wrong.

“And what would you like me to do. Go without lunch? Is that what you are telling me?” I said to him.

He shook his head. “No, no Leo. Nothing like that. Of course you should have lunch. You just need to do it here.”

I took my phone out to look at the time. “I am going to be late to my next class if I don’t go now.”

The vice principal tugged on his tie nervously. He was way out of his league. 

“Bye,” I said. I waved at him and walked from the courtyard toward the hall, in no apparent hurry.

When I was almost to the end of the hall the vice principal was tapping on my shoulder. He was right behind me and was panting with short breaths.

“The security at our school will be on to you, Leo. They will be looking for you at the exits of the school during all lunches,” he said. 

“This will be the last time with you Leo. We do not allow breaches of school rules,” he continued on.

The vice principal was shaking with humiliation. He turned and quickly walked back to his office with no-nonsense, sweeping steps. The click of his loafers could be heard on the now quiet and empty hall floor. 

It was several days later that I thought about using Ryan’s baseball bat. 

Ryan had left the bat in the car in an attempt at playing catch with me. He had brought baseball mitts. And the bat too, in extremely high hopes that I might pitch a baseball to him and he could then hit the ball. And then I was supposed to go and fetch the ball?

Maybe Ryan’s bat would be used by me upon the vice principal’s car window. And the glass breaking and shattering would be so satisfying. 

My heart would be beating fast. And I would feel such a rush. 

No one would see me but I would hide in back of the tennis courts to see if anyone would come running out. I would be ready to run. And if they chased me, well that would be a thrill to see if they would actually catch me. 

It would be the clashing sound of shattering the car window glass. The breaking. 

The breaking of being prevented to leave the school would shatter within me, too. 

Maybe this is what I needed.