Nervous. Excited. Upset.

It was sincerely difficult for Topaz to parse his exact emotions whenever he met with the crown prince.

It was like his body was throbbing.

His heart rabbiting away in his chest, his eyes naturally following Ruby’s every movement, his legs threatening to carry him straight into Ruby’s arms just to feel the warmth of his touch. Impulses and desires that twitched to life and dragged him towards Ruby.

Always towards Ruby.

And the sharp pain in his chest, his gut churning, and a cold sweat paralyzing his limbs as the guilt came along with it.

Always. So much fear and so much anticipation and through it all, Topaz had to maintain a perfect elegant disguise.

He couldn’t slip up. Not even for a second. If he even acknowledged the pain in his limbs, the searing of his burns, the agony of his sins, or even the way he longed for Ruby’s touch, the prince would be sure to notice.

It was frustrating.

Excruciating, even.

Ruby was better at understanding him than anyone else. If Topaz’s lies were less than perfect, Ruby would notice and his gentle eyes would sadden with concern.

He’d ask Topaz questions that couldn’t be answered and the wretched feeling would only grow worse.

Moreso than around his father, Topaz had to manage perfection in front of the prince. Even while his heart shattered in his chest.

The trouble was that Topaz didn’t just have the weight of his normal struggles warring inside of him.

Duke Diamond Edentus was planning something. Something that would surely be harmful, if not fatal, towards Ruby.

And the damn idiot had walked straight inside the front door of the ducal estate.

Logically Topaz knew that his father wasn’t enough of a fool to kill Ruby at such a conspicuous location but the panic swelled in him regardless and when he opened the door to the reception room, he couldn’t hide it.

Ruby stood up to greet him and Topaz saw it. The flicker of Ruby’s eyes as he noticed that something was wrong with Topaz.

“To–”

“Your highness.” Topaz cut in curtly, striding inside of the room confidently and locking away his emotions. “What brings you here?”

I told you never to come here. I told you. Why didn’t you listen? Why are you here? Don’t you understand. Why don’t you understand? You’re so good at noticing useless trash like my emotional wellbeing but you never notice that my father is out to kill you. Why are you such a fool? Why won’t you just abandon me. Please just abandon me.

It would be so much easier if Ruby did.

Topaz was always so cold towards him. He hoped the engagement would be annulled long ago at the prince’s request but the stupid idiot stuck around.

The fool was going to die at this rate.

Topaz couldn’t let that happen.

“...you sent away the seamstress.”

Guilt pinched Topaz’s heart.

Disappointment. He hated hearing it in Ruby’s voice. Hated knowing that he’d failed to attain worth. Hated knowing that he was sure to be hated.

His desires were contradictory.

“She was lucky I didn’t cut out her tongue.” Topaz replied icily. “Is that all?”

Ruby Lefehyr. He was a gentle and just person. Frail due to his childhood poisoning but strong in his heart. He never hesitated to speak out against injustice, even to his own fiance.

He wouldn’t let this go easily.

His deep red hair grazed against his shoulders and his blue eyes stared straight through Topaz’s defenses. His normally gentle expression disappearing behind a frown and his eyebrows furrowing together in confused frustration.

Topaz was sure that it would upset Ruby but he needed to push further. Needed to persuade him to leave. Away from here. Away from his father.

He felt the eyes that always watched him all around.

“Yo–”

“Topaz.”

Topaz nearly flinched, Ruby took a step towards him that shook his confidence and filled him with terror.

Ruby stopped and worry flashed in his eyes once more.

He reached out and softly caressed Topaz’s cheek. “...what’s wrong?”

Sometimes Topaz wondered why he never told Ruby the truth.

Wouldn’t it all be better then? Couldn’t they be happy if Topaz betrayed his father and embraced the protection of the royal family?

But would it really be that simple?

For what reason would they have to believe him? His father was a duke but Topaz was nothing but the prince’s fiance. Topaz had never been able to collect meaningful evidence against his father. Even if they believed him, wouldn’t Topaz be implicated along with his father?

Topaz had complied with his fathers wishes for more than enough years to never be forgiven.

Ultimately, there was no happy ending waiting for him. He would be beheaded for slandering the duke or beheaded for his crimes against the crown prince. But death wasn’t so bad compared to the thought of betrayal in Ruby’s eyes. The knowledge that he’d betrayed his father.

He was too weak.

But in small moments such as this one, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Ruby would believe him. Believe that he never wanted to hurt Ruby. That he’d done everything he could to thwart his father. Believe him and protect him and the love between them that had always only been a fake pretense created by Topaz’s father might–

…it was a foolish thought.

Ruby believed that he loved his fiance but that was nothing more than Diamond’s handiwork. Manipulating an innocent and sweet person like Ruby into believing he was in love was child's play for Diamond.

After all, he’d convinced Topaz of it as well. How much of a joke would it be if Topaz still believed his own feelings were real. He would be even more pathetic.

Topaz pushed away Ruby’s hand and glared up at him coldly. “Don’t touch me.”

That wasn’t what he meant to say.

What had he meant to say?

Panic swirled as an internal clock reminded him that his father could be planning something at any moment. Any second now could be Ruby’s last.

Ruby pulled back his hand, a flicker of concerned hurt in his expressive eyes.

How would he ever succeed on the throne with eyes like that? Topaz could see every emotion playing out behind them as easily as breathing air.

He knew Ruby better than anyone else.

“You’re scared.”

Ruby’s voice was barely a whisper. Topaz could only hope that the eyes that watched him didn’t hear those words.

“What could possibly bring me fear in your highnesses presence?” Topaz asked, masking everything.

Ruby opened his mouth to reply but an unexpected cough came out instead.

Topaz trembled.

He looked pale. Ruby always looked pale but he looked paler than usual. He was coughing. What was he doing outside of the palace if he wasn’t feeling good? Why was he so stupid.

Did he want to die?

“Get out.”

“...Topaz?”

“I have no desire to grow sick from your highness.” Topaz sneered and turned away, he hoped that Ruby would follow suit and they could leave the estate together. He’d walk Ruby back to his carriage and then–

Ruby’s hand gripped his wrist and Topaz hissed with pain.

No.

No, no, no, no, no…!

How many years had he managed to perfectly hide his pain? Why couldn’t he hide it now? Why was he so weak to the pain of burns?

He couldn’t look back to see Ruby’s face.

He couldn’t breathe.

He needed to get Ruby out of here.

They were watching. They were always watching.

He needed to get away.

His father wouldn’t forgive him so easily for this last mistake.

He needed to save Ruby.

He…

Topaz’s vision went black, his panicked heartbeat disappearing into oblivion.