He was taller than when I had last seen him. Taller than me, though I didn’t think I had been growing much. Around the same height as ‘him’, maybe? My treacherous brain put in. I shook my head, as if I shook hard enough, every single thought about him would come loose, and disappear. It, unsurprisingly, didn’t work.

His smile was still as pleasant as I remembered. A flash of the ruthlessness counterpart I had seen every time he looked at ‘him’ came unwittingly to my mind, making me wince a bit.

“River. You came.” Barrie started, walking towards me, and sat down on the chair behind the desk. He didn’t mention my choice of chair with a word.

“Coffee? Tea? Water?” He asked, tapping on his phone. When he mentioned something to drink, I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since I woke up. My stomach growled in agreement, which made Barrie smile.

“I’ll see if I can get you a sandwich. Do you still take your coffee with three sugar and a splash of milk?” I hadn’t said anything, neither did I confirm or deny. Barrie didn’t seem to mind or wait for an answer. He tapped a bit more and then put the phone down, seemingly taking my silence as confirmation.

He tapped on his phone a bit more. When he put it away, the door opened. I was handed a cup of coffee and a sandwich, which I nibbled on without restraint. I was never one to turn down free food, when it was right in front of me. Barrie let me eat in silence, taking the occasional sip of the beverage he had been given, though I hadn’t been observant enough to notice what it was. He had remembered how I took my coffee, perfectly, and I didn’t even remember what he usually had to drink. Back then, I didn’t notice much other than ‘him’, after all.

“Why am I here?” I finally asked, having finished my sandwich and letting the silence stretch for a bit, deciding that was the more important question.

“Because I want to offer you a deal.” Barrie said, smiling. It was a pleasant smile, yes, but I could see the dead one hiding beneath. I knew him well enough to know that.

“What kind of deal? Your henchman didn’t want to tell me anything. You can’t believe I’m stupid enough to just go along with whatever, because you gave me a bit of money.” I sounded more annoyed than I had meant to. This situation reminded me too much of other bad choices I had made.

“Oh, no, River. I know you aren’t stupid in the least. You do have some problems making good choices for yourself, but there was never any doubt that you could do what you put your mind to. Whenever it didn’t involve Sean, of course. Or was it exactly when it involved him? Well, one could say that the sole fact that I could never figure out your course of action speaks in your favor.”

I bit my tongue in an attempt not to visibly show how much ‘his’ name affected me. Instead, I turned to defense.

“Or maybe you’re the stupid one? You seem to think rather highly of yourself, to be able to put things like that. My ‘actions’ as you called it were mostly rash decisions, with no bigger plan behind.” I sounded so full of myself. Good.

“Oh, River, please. You know I know you better than that. No need to try to put yourself, or me, down like that. I need those skills of yours for my plan, so it would be such a shame if I had misjudged you.” His words slithered around me, slowly tying me down. Fuck. Arguing didn’t seem to be the best way to get out of this. Whatever ‘this’ was.

“So? What is this deal you keep yapping about?” When in doubt, go with anger. Anger is irrational, no matter how calculated it can be.

“I have heard Sean is waiting for you to come back.” Barrie smiled at me. I did everything I could do, as to not freeze with fear. I had to play it cool.

“Yes. He’ll be waiting forever for that.” I confirmed. I thought I could hear the slightest trembling in my voice that I couldn’t quite kill, but maybe he didn’t hear?

“Well, what if you did go back to him?” Barrie’s smile was unfaltering. Like he had just talked about how nice the weather was, or that a puppy was cute. Not about me ruining everything I had fought for with tooth and nail, sweat and blood. Not about me ruining my entire life, willingly, no matter how many times I had thought about it.

I couldn’t respond.

“Now, don’t look at me like that, River, I didn’t mean you actually went back to him, in a ‘back together’ kind of way.” Barrie was enjoying everything way too much. He held a pause, looking at me as a performer getting to the climax of their act.

“Everyone knows Sean has only one weakness. You. And everyone knows to leave you alone if they want to live. Everyone knows that they can’t threaten you to threaten him. As always, he has covered his tracks excellently. So, what do you do with a weakness you can’t exploit?” Barrie waited for a response, but I didn’t give him anything. I vaguely wondered who ‘everyone’ was, but the way in which Barrie had said it made me easily accept it as something I should have known. Instead, I concentrated on breathing every time I heard ‘his’ name. I concentrated on how my hands felt when I clenched them and relaxed them, trying to cool my head. I tried to prepare myself for what I had a horrible feeling the answer would be.

“You make the weakness do the exploiting!” Barrie said in a sing-song voice, gleefully ending his performance.

My throat dropped down to my stomach. I had to get out of here. Now. This ‘deal’ was worse than I could have imagined, and I wanted no part of it. Nothing to do with Barrie. Nothing to do with ‘him’. Nothing to do with anyone from the past I was trying so hard to run away from.

“Don’t misunderstand me, River. I don’t want you to go back to him, either. If I could come up with another plan to get rid of him that didn’t involve you, I would. But sadly, that’s simply not possible. So, first. Hear me out?” He looked at me, pleadingly. I had no voice left to answer, not enough will left to stop him from continuing. My body was fighting against the urge to shake, and my mind was reeling from the thought of going back there.

“And when you’re tired and sad and lonely, use your last choice as a free man to come back to me.”

‘His’ words echoed again and again. How many times had I thought about going back? How many times had I looked for an excuse I could tell myself to do so, only to snap out of it at the last moment?

And here was someone who was trying to talk me into going back. Someone who hated ‘him’ enough to want to use me against him. Someone who I couldn’t trust to want the best for me, but could trust enough to know he wanted the worst for ‘him’.