***

After having slept on it, I felt less willing to fight. The choice I had reached the day before started to seem like a terrible idea. However, not being able to keep a job was starting to be a bigger and bigger issue. I had no references to give to new employers, as they started to question why I was fired after such a short amount of time, and I had no higher education other than a college degree, that I couldn’t use for much thanks to my own bad choices.

There was still that one place, but I didn’t want to go.

Although not a friend, an acquaintance could most likely get me a job at his club. I had met him when I was younger. He had taken one look at me and then he had given me his card, telling me I could always go there if I was desperate enough. It was the kind of club where servers were expected to serve more than just alcohol and snacks. But backed into a corner like this, what could I do? Would I even be able to get the job if ‘he’ was sabotaging me to begin with? Would he allow me to work there in the first place?

And then there were the doubts I had about the club itself. I had been told I could always come by for an interview, yet I hadn’t for good reasons. I didn’t know exactly what kind of work would be expected of me in the club, but I knew for sure it wasn’t just serving drinks to the clientele. Neither was it a place where people had sex. It was some kind of grey area, and that scared me.

But going back to ‘him’ scared me more.

Going back was one thing, but would I really be able to talk him into letting me run around freely? Or at least not lock me up somewhere?

Barrie had managed to make me believe I had more leverage than I thought, but would it really go down so easy, towards someone that would interfere in my life like this? Would I even be able to leave if I went to at least try and negotiate, or would I get locked up immediately?

No. I wouldn’t. I knew him well enough to know that much with a weird kind of certainty. He would, at the very least, hear me out. He would savor the mere action of me coming to him and trying to make a deal. He would see it as a win, that he was right. And he would listen. What he would do from there, I had no idea.

I really didn’t want to see him.

Nor did I want to go to the club.

I wanted to stay in bed, and for once, not worry about dinner. I could order take-out. I would take comfort in that, for now.

Even if I knew the ‘free’ money were just waiting for me to pay up, I would enjoy the freedom money had given me, as they had said I should. And from there, I would figure out what to do.

If I could only be sure about how I would be when I saw him, it would be easier. Would I cower in fear? Or would I run into his arms? Would I forget all the bad stuff if only I saw his face again?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. What was wrong with me. This was why I couldn’t go back. Shouldn’t go back.

He messed me up.

And worse, I wanted him to mess me up.

No. Fuck. Stop.

Could I even betray him, like that? Would I be able to trick him?

His arrogance would bring me half of the way, but I would still need to be convincing enough for him to not think something was weird.

And why was I still thinking about that fucking deal? What’s with Barrie, anyway? Who is HE? I was so caught up in the deal and trying to keep myself together, that I forgot to ask how he suddenly had money, and how much exactly he would get out of it.

Was this still just about their college rivalry, or did it evolve into something else? Something more?

Or…

A thought hit me, gnawing at me from the back of my mind. Or maybe it was always something more, and I just didn’t know.

Somehow, I’m in the middle of this, without knowing anything. Anger flared up out of nowhere. How dare they even do this to me? I was FREE. I was supposed to be free, at least. And then someone interferes with my jobs, and now Barrie is involved, and I’m once again being manipulated and finding out too late.

Well, almost too late. I have spent some money, but that’s that. I didn’t say yes to anything, other than thinking about it.

And yet I got the sense that Barrie knows what my answer will be. That he knew it before I did.

Fuck.

Sure, let’s go into the lion’s den and get all of this shit sorted out. Why wouldn’t I? It’s not like I have a proper life to live anyway. And what’s the worst that can happen? I can be locked in a cage for the rest of my life, but hey, at least I won’t have to worry about dinner.

Anger is illogical. Burning and flaming, tearing down all of my defenses and objections. Drowning out the reason of logic.

In a sudden determination I had decided what I was going to do.

Fuck both of them over, and figure out what’s up. Great plan.

Before I could think better of it, I had called Barrie and told him I was in.

When I hung up, the anger disappeared, and sudden dread fell over me in its place.

Fuck. What have I done?