I was sitting in my crappy apartment and looking around, trying to calm myself down. I had no self-control. What did I just do? Could I still get out of it?

My phone vibrated. A text.

I checked it, and unsurprisingly, it was from Barrie.

“Call him tomorrow. The earlier you get to work, the faster you can get out.”

And that was that. I was trapped. Caught and tied down by invisible chains, and now I was heading directly back to the one who had put them on me.

As I had planned, I ordered take-out and then I went to bed. It would probably be the last time in a while that I would sleep alone, so I wanted to enjoy at least that much before my freedom was taken from me once again. I ignored the lack of warmth beside me. That I was missing the rhythmic sound of breathing. I ignored how hard it was to fall asleep. I liked sleeping alone, I told myself.

I almost believed it.

The next day, I stared at the piece of paper that had haunted me for the past year.

I didn’t even see the numbers before I started typing it in from memory. As I thought, throwing it away would have been pointless. I knew the number too well.

Was I really doing this?

You were just looking for an excuse to do this all along, a little voice reminded me. I couldn’t disagree.

‘He’… -Sean. Sean was right all along. I would come back to him. If not now, then the next year or the next again. I was incapable of building up a life, and I was incapable of leaving him behind me for good. Even when I was moving around, I never left the city. I seemed to forget the outside world was even an option. At least, like this, I could try to fight.

Before I regretted everything, I pushed the call button.

It was ringing once. I regretted everything, but it was too late.

It rang twice. Maybe I could still get out of this, run away with the money, pretend like nothing happened. Throw everything away and start a new life, like I was meant to do in the first place.

He picked up on the third ring. A mix of fear, want and ice coiled in my stomach. He didn’t say anything, but I could almost hear the smile he was wearing through his breathing. I didn’t want to be the first one that said anything. I wanted to get all the small victories I could, while I still could.

Another moment of silence passed, with only audible breathing coming from his side. I hated how I recognized it. How I was slightly calmed by it.

“You finally called. I’ve been waiting.” His voice was the same smooth voice that haunted my dreams and my nightmares. He didn’t ask a question, so I keep quiet.

“Where are you?” He asked. I’m reminded of what he said to me when he gave me this number. No matter where, no matter when, I will come for you.

“You already know where I am.” I said, keeping the control I so desperately needed. I didn’t know for sure if he knew, but I’d like to see just how little freedom I actually had, despite the lies I told myself.

“Hmm, true. But I thought it would be polite to ask rather than just swing by without an invitation. Wouldn’t want to ruin our touching reunion, after all. It would be such a shame if I put you in a bad mood right away.” He was joking. I could hear the traces of contained laughter in his voice. I needed to say it. Tell him he hadn’t won yet. That I wanted to negotiate. I should have planned this out before-hand. What would be best? Negotiate on the phone, or face to face?

Phone would be safer, but I also wouldn’t be able to read him as well. But face to face was scary… He might see right through me.

“I’m not coming back yet.” I said, deciding to do this on the phone. He knew where I lived anyway, but this way I had the illusion of safety at least.

“Oh? And yet you called? Did you simply miss my voice?” I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. A treacherous part of me wanted to tell him yes. Another part of me wanted to hang up. Abandon everything. Run away. But…

“I’m tired of running away.” No lies. Keep it together. Reel him in.

“What a coincidence. I’m tired of waiting for you to stop running.” His voice was laced with arrogance and amusement. I could clearly imagine his smug face. He was sure he had already won, which left me with a bit of leeway.

“If I come ba-“ I started, but he cut me off.

“When you come back, yes?” He asked, sounding just the slightest bit annoyed. Fuck.

“When I come back,” I corrected, and then continued.

“I don’t want to be locked up. I want to be able to walk around.” Fuck, should I somehow make myself clearer, so he couldn’t trick me? I could almost hear him say ‘you can walk around inside a big house’. I can’t tell him to let me walk around freely. He would never let me do so.

“I want to be able to go outside.” I decided on for clarification, then held my breath and waited for his answer.

“Hmm, if my memory serves correctly, you were only ‘locked up’ as you so crudely call it, because you were trying to escape, after having promised not to leave. And you expect me to go through the same thing again? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, is it?” He didn’t sound eager to agree. There must be something I could do. Something I could say, something-

Fuck, I really didn’t want to do this.

“Sean.” I whispered, sounding as weak as I possibly could. Saying his name after such a long time trying to avoid it completely burned my throat. What was I even doing. I should have never done this. It was a lost cause to begin with, it was-

“Yes, River?” He asked, sweetly. Not a single trace of the annoyance he had before. Fuck. He wanted me to beg. To plead. To be at his mercy. Fine. I was too deep into this to get out now.

Letting all of my emotions loose, I molded them into what he wanted to hear the most. I took my frustration and anger and self-pity, and tied it neatly together, weaving it into the very thing he wanted of me.

“Please don’t lock me up. Please.” I almost cried. He would be able to hear it in my voice. He didn’t care if it’s angry tears or tears of frustration. He just wanted me to beg and cry and let him win.

“Of course I won’t lock you up, River. I wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt you.” Lies.

“But you do understand that I can’t trust you. You have stayed away for a year. Do you really expect me to just believe you suddenly want to come back, after having tried so hard to make yourself disappear? Do you have any idea how worried I was?” Lies.

“Just… Don’t lock me up. If I try to escape again, you can do it, but, just, please. Give me another chance. Just one.” The tears hadn’t left my voice. I could hear the second I won. His breath stopped for just a second, as he listened to my begging.

“I do believe in second chances. I’ll come in an hour. Get ready and pack your things. See you soon.” And then he hung up.

He got what he wanted.

I got what I wanted.

What a hollow victory it was.

And then I couldn’t help but cry for real. Out of anger and frustration and loss. Everything I was trying to run away from was coming to pick me up in a fancy car, and I was nowhere near ready to face him.

But I knew. Even without Barrie offering the deal, I would have ended up here eventually. It wasn’t only the little voice in the back of my mind that was singing it to me, anymore.

I could finally admit it to myself.

That somewhere, deep down, I missed him.