Jan 2015.

Sophomore, University.

"Bleugh..."

I hunched over the toilet, feeling waves of nausea crash over me. The memory of all that blood flooded back, sending another twist of sickness through my stomach. Taking a shaky breath, I tried to calm myself, wiping away the sweat gathering on my forehead.

Flushing the toilet, I stepped out of the stall and moved to one of the sinks. I turned the water on, rinsing out my mouth, then splashed a handful over my face, the coolness easing the lingering nausea only slightly.

"Myung, are you okay?" Taemin's voice filled the restroom as he rushed in, his hazel eyes scanning me with concern. We met at last year's freshman gathering, and since then, Taemin has become one of the few friends I could count on. He was kindhearted and calm, which always put me at ease.

I brushed a damp strand of hair back from my eyes and nodded. "Yeah," I mumbled under my breath.

Taemin sighed, patting me lightly on the back. "You really shouldn't be in nursing school."

"Heh." I let out a bitter laugh, feeling a pang of irony. This path hadn't been my choice; never.

He handed me a tissue to dry my face, then turned on the water to wash his own. As he splashed his face, his ginger bangs darkened, clinging to his forehead.

"Is class over now?" I asked, tossing the tissue into the nearby bin.

"Yeah, it's done," Taemin replied, straightening as he dried his face. His gaze lingered on me, still a little worried.

"Thank goodne-"

Unexpectedly, my phone buzzed insistently in my pocket. I pulled it out and glanced at the screen. "Hey, Shiwoo. What's up?" I answered, pressing the phone to my ear.

"Myung, what should we do?" Shiwoo's voice cracked in panic. "Shian is sick..."

"Sick? What do you mean?" I asked, my brow furrowing with sudden concern.

Shiwoo's voice dissolved into choked sobs, and fear crept into my chest, quickening my heartbeat. "Shiwoo, stop crying and tell me what's going on!"

Taemin's expression shifted, noticing the alarm on my face. He mouthed, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, unable to respond as I waited for Shiwoo to collect himself. Finally, he managed a trembling answer. "Shian has cancer," he whispered. "Gastric cancer."

My hand dropped to my side, tightening my grip on the phone as Shiwoo's cries echoed faintly from the other end. A chill ran down my spine as I tried to process what I'd just heard. Shian—Shiwoo's younger brother—had cancer. The word seemed impossible like it didn't belong in our reality.

*****

I entered the bar, spotting Shiwoo and Haru already seated across each other behind a square mahogany brown table with four Loren armchairs, ivory classic plush, in a dimly lit corner, nursing their drinks. I made my way over, settling in one of the empty seats, unable to hide the worry on my face.

Shiwoo's eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he downed another glass of vodka with an unsteady hand. He looked at me through his haze, managing a hoarse, "You're... finally here..."

"Sorry," I said softly. "I had to swing by home and change." My gaze shifted to Haru, who sat on the left side of me with a calm but thoughtful expression. He'd straightened his hair, which fell neatly over his forehead and wore a dark brown bomber jacket over a black turtleneck with black pants. Something was grounding about his calm presence, though the worry in his eyes was undeniable.

Setting his glass on the table, Haru leaned toward me, cupping my face with a cold hand. "You look even paler than usual," he observed.

I flinched slightly at the chill of his fingers and pulled back instinctively. "It's been a rough day," I muttered, brushing it off.

"Why? Are they—"

"Myung." Shiwoo's shaky voice interrupted, his face damp with fresh tears. "Do you think Shian will survive?"

I swallowed hard. "What have his doctors told you?" I asked gently, noticing the slur in Shiwoo's voice—he'd clearly been drinking heavily.

"They said it's... stage three," Shiwoo murmured, his hand clenching his empty glass.

My heart sank. I knew enough to understand how serious that diagnosis was. "He's a strong person, Shiwoo. He can fight this," I said, trying to keep my tone steady, though my own voice wavered. I wanted to give him some hope, even if I wasn't sure about it.

Shiwoo's tears returned as he gripped my hands tightly, his voice breaking. "Myung... will you take care of him? You're studying to be a nurse, so... you'll know how to help him, right?"

"Shiwoo, I..." I hesitated. Taking care of Shian was no small favor. I wasn't even a full nurse yet; my days were already overloaded with school, assignments, and endless clinical hours. But looking at Shiwoo, I felt the weight of his desperation. He was due to enter the army next month, and his parents lived in another city, working long hours. Shiwoo truly had no one else to turn to.

Just then, Haru placed a steadying hand on Shiwoo's shoulder. "I'll help you to take care of Shian," he offered firmly. "I have a more flexible schedule than Myung, so I can be there."

Shiwoo's expression twisted with doubt, and he released my hands. "But... you're not a nurse, Haru. You don't know anything about—"

"I think," I interrupted, my voice more certain, "I think it'd be better if Haru and I did it together."

Both of them looked at me, but I met Shiwoo's gaze. "This way, Shian has two people who looking out for him."

Relief washed over Shiwoo's face, and he finally nodded, exhaling shakily. "Thank you. Both of you. I... I don't know what I'd do without you guys."

~

I stood by the curb, watching the taxi as it drove Shiwoo off into the night. His emotional, drunken state lingered in my mind, and I exhaled deeply, letting the cool air hit my face. "Ugh," I muttered, feeling the day's exhaustion settle into my bones. "What a day..."

Haru slipped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer as we started walking. For the first time that night, a smile crept onto his face. "My Miumiu must be exhausted, huh?"

"Miumiu?" I raised an eyebrow, giving him a skeptical look. "What kind of nickname is that?"

"A cute one?" Haru grinned, tilting his head as he looked at me, his eyes dancing with mischief.

I gave him a side-eye. "I already threw up twice today, Haru. Don't make it three."

"What?!" Haru spun me around, gripping my shoulders and searching my face with worried eyes. "Are you sick?"

I laughed, surprised by his reaction. "No, I just had to deal with bloody stuff at school today."

"You scared the shit out of me for a second," he huffed, finally letting go and continuing to walk.

I fell in step beside him, smirking as I glanced over. "What, were you afraid I might have cancer too?"

Haru stopped abruptly, snapping his head toward me, his expression serious. "Don't joke about something like that."

"Why not?" I shrugged, a smirk lingering on my face. "Everyone's going to die eventually."

His gaze darkened as he looked away, his voice low and steady. "I'd lose my mind if I ever lost you."

"Ohhhh," I teased, nudging him with my elbow. "You must really like your precious buddy, huh?" I chuckled, expecting him to brush it off, laugh along, or say something snarky. But he didn't. Haru had always been the easygoing, cheerful guy who never took anything seriously, so I thought he was just blabbering.

But he stopped again, forcing me to halt too. Turning toward me, he spoke in a steady tone. "Cut the crap, will you? Or I might—" He trailed off, sighing instead. "Let's get back home."

Might what... smack me? I wondered, studying his expression.

Realizing I'd hit my limit with teasing, I slid my hands into the pockets of my overcoat and walked beside him in silence, the weight of his words lingering between us.

*****

I walked inside the room where Shian was being taken care of after his surgery. He was in deep sleep as I stood next to his bed, taking a look at the patient chart, trying to understand what doctors would do next. Even though he had wheat skin, he oddly looked pale. Already had lost so much weight compared to before.

I settled into the chair beside Shian's bed, his chart in my hands as I replayed what I'd overheard from the doctors. Shian's condition was worse than expected, and they were planning to start chemotherapy soon.

Lost in thought, I barely registered the door sliding open. Haru stepped inside, and his eyes immediately fell on me, a faint smile tugging at his lips as he approached. "How is he?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"I'm not quite sure," I replied, looking up at him. "They're discussing starting chemo."

Haru's hand came to rest on the back of my neck, and I flinched slightly at the unexpected touch. "I'll stay with him if you need to go," he offered, his gaze intent as he watched me.

"Nah, I'm free today," I muttered, feeling flustered as I stood up to put the chart back. Haru took a step forward, close enough that I could feel his presence behind me. Before I could react, he slid his arms around my shoulders and leaned in, his voice low in my ear.

"Hehe, then we're stuck together," he whispered playfully.

I glanced over my shoulder, raising an eyebrow. "Get off me. Someone might come in and—" I hesitated, the unspoken words 'misunderstand us' hanging in the air.

"And?" Haru's eyes sparkled with mischief, his hold firm.

Just then, a groan from the bed saved me. "Will you two stop talking?" Shian grumbled, slowly opening his eyes. "My head hurts..."

I instantly pushed Haru away and turned toward Shian. "Do you need some water?" I asked, relieved of the distraction.

"Um..." Shian nodded, rubbing a hand over his face.

Haru is getting touchier every day... I thought as I poured water into a glass and handed it to Shian, who weakly took a sip as Haru helped him sit up a little.

~

A few hours later, Haru and I stepped out into the quiet hospital corridor. "Are you sure you're fine with staying here?" I asked, glancing up at him, unable to shake my concern.

Haru grinned, his hands settling confidently on my shoulders. "I'm telling you, I'm fine! Shiwoo will be here first thing in the morning." He ruffled my hair, his voice softening. "Go home, take a shower, and get some rest. You've got class tomorrow."

I sighed, still feeling a pang of hesitation as I studied his face. "Alright, then," I said finally. "I'll head out."

"Take care," he said, giving me an assured smile that was as steady as ever.

With a nod, I turned and walked down the corridor, casting a quick glance over my shoulder to see him disappear back into Shian's room. It was almost 10 P.M., and though I felt a weight lifting as I left, there was a small, nagging feeling I couldn't quite shake as I headed home for the night.

The night was cool as I stepped out of the hospital and flagged down a taxi, sliding into the back seat with a sense of heaviness settling in. The familiar sights of the city slipped past the window, blurred by tired eyes, and my thoughts drifted back to Haru and Shian, still in that hospital room. It felt strange to be leaving them there, but at least they had each other tonight.

When the driver pulled up to my house, I paid him and stepped out, catching sight of the dimly lit windows. I had expected quiet—it was late, after all—but as I neared the front door, muffled voices reached my ears. My stomach tightened, recognizing them. What's going on again?... I quietly opened the door, slipping inside just as my parents' voices rose again, echoing down the hallway.

"Have you thought this through at all before doing it?" My mother's voice was taut, barely contained. "Why did you blindly become a guarantor for someone you're not even close to?"

"I didn't know he'd do this! I just wanted to help him since his family was in bad condition!" My father replied, frustration hardening his tone.

I froze near the entrance, uncertain whether to step forward or wait it out in silence. Their voices were sharper than usual, cutting into the dim light of the hallway. Huh?... I furrowed my eyebrows in response as I tried to figure out what was going on.

"What should we do now, huh?" My mother's voice wavered, and there was a rawness there that I hadn't heard before. "We're already stretched thin, and this... this will break us."

"I'll do something about it," he retorted, a note of dismissal in his voice that only seemed to make her angry even more. "Just let me think!"

At that moment, standing alone in the dim hallway, I felt the weight of every struggle pressing down—Shian's illness, not being able to catch up with school like other students, and my troublemaker parents. Everything seemed to converge, all at once, and I felt as if I was standing at the edge of something vast and dark, barely holding on.

I let out a shaky breath, wondering if the weight of it all would ever ease, or if this was just the beginning.

Around that time, I was oblivious to what lay ahead. I had no idea how deeply the things unfolding around me would carve into me, how they would linger like scars I couldn't erase. I believed that staying positive would be enough to keep the darkness at bay. That if I just smiled through it, bad things could be avoided.

But life doesn't work that way.

Pain comes whether you expect it or not.

It rises and falls, just like everything else.

Ups and downs...

All tangled together in a cycle you can't escape.