I was sitting in the train back. It had been three months and it was about time I had a conversation with my 'mate'. The landscape flew by. The closer we got to home the more complicated our feelings became. I was anxious, nervous and hesitant. I didn't want to go 'home'. This isn't my home. In these three months away from everyone I had felt better than I had ever felt in this suffocating town. Ayla on the other side was happy and excited. She couldn't wait to hug her - our - mate.

I had gone to therapy (for a while) and even taken some medication, but they just made it worse so I stopped after a week and threw them away. I didn't tell my therapist and after one and a half months I stopped going there, too. I just got nightmares from that shit. I had everything under control until she started to open old wounds.

Ayla wasn't happy about my decision and tried to convince me to try again. She just stopped nagging after I finally found a witch that got me what I wanted.

An easy solution. A different solution. One that didn't require me to go through all that shit again. One that would work for me.

The witch placed a spell on me, at last this is what I told Ayla. She was asleep during it so she doesn't know, but I told her we got a spell that will help us both get what we want and then I explained my idea to her. She was on board. Of course she was, as she didn't know the whole truth and I made sure (with help of the witch) that I would be able to hide it from her long enough.

The train started slowing down and I grabbed my bag. We are back. I couldn't say I was happy about it but a promise was a promise and I cannot make others suffer for my selfishness.

I would love nothing more than to reject Ayla's so-called mate but that would be too cruel. Second chance mate's aren't a thing. She found her soulmate, who was I to barge in between just because I had problems with that person?

Sometimes I wondered if life would be easier if I wasn't a werewolf. Just a normal human. No soulmates, just free choices. Wouldn't that be great?

I got off the train and slowly walked down the familiar streets. "Where do we go first?" Ayla asked. "My family. Drop off my bag and probably eat, stay there the night. Tomorrow we visit our mate and have 'the talk'."

Ayla nodded. "Can't wait to see my mate again." She was excited. I didn't respond. If it would be my decision I would never want to see any of it again.

I got the keys out of my pocket and opened the door. Nobody was home. Guess they forgot that I was coming today, or they messed up the times.

I went upstairs, dropped my bag in my room and started to cook.

I had just finished when my family came back inside happily chattering with each other.

"Why... oh Muru! That was today?" My mother yelled then she ran over and hugged me. Out of habit I hugged her back. Afterwards I had to hug my father and my siblings as well before we sat down and ate. They had lot of questions but I simply asked them about their day and in no time they were telling me about the exciting things they had been up to the past few months. People always like talking about themselves.

It was the next day when I went to meet James. Ayla was excited. I was not. I could think of a thousand things I would rather do, but there was nothing I could do, a promise is a promise and how can I keep my wolf away from my mate?

We met at a café. The moment Ayla saw James she wanted to hug him. The only thing holding her back was me. I felt like a foreigner in my own body. Without me, she could be happy, right? Without me they would be happy. But here I was, being in the way.

I have always felt like that. Well, not always, but ever since I started going to school. The feeling that I didn't belong. That I was just in the way. I thought that maybe without me, the others lives would be better. I am quite sure if I would cease to exist, most people wouldn't even notice.

Well, at school they would have bullied someone else than me, so whoever would have been the victim, you're welcome, I guess. But what about now? I was just in the way of Ayla's happiness wasn't I?

Her life would be easier and more relaxed without me, wouldn't it? She could be with her mate. She could hug her mate. She could do... she could live with her mate.

We sat down and he ordered. I hadn't noticed that the waitress had come. Guess I spaced out. That happened to me sometimes when I was deep in thought.

I looked at James. He looked... happy? Nervous? I wasn't sure.

"Hi." I finally said. He smiled at me.

"I'm really sorry."

His first words. A few years ago I would have loved to hear these words but now, they didn't even touch my heart, so I just nodded to be polite.

"It's alright." I said.

"No, it's not. And I am working on myself. I promise. I started therapy. Really. I Can prove it to you. I am doing my best. I really am. I want to be a good mate to you."

So many empty words. I nodded along.

"I have a proposition." I said, ignoring what he just said.

"Anything." He said. He hadn't even heard it yet? I was hesitant for a moment, but then I went along with my plans. I whipped out a piece of paper I had been carrying with me all the time.

"This is my proposition. Read it carefully and let me know what you think."

He read it. It was kind of a contract. I was nervous. I hoped he would agree. I hoped he wouldn't haggle too much.

Basically what the contract said was that I got a spell from a witch that would allow me to go to 'sleep' similar to how some of us could 'lose' their werewolf in the mind. But for me it would be I that would be gone.

I wanted five months a year (not at once) apart from him where I could be - well me. And rest of the time Ayla would be the main occupant of the body and I could watch but also retreat if I would feel too uncomfortable. Like this they could do all the mate stuff without me interfering while I slowly regained my trust in him.

Another rule was no children. Not until I was ready.

He read it all and to my surprise agreed without hesitation.

"I will convince you. I will show you that you can trust me." He said. I sneered in my heart. I didn't believe one word he said. Maybe he shouldn't believe me either. But maybe the guilt made him not think clearly? I wouldn't know.

"Then I will hand everything over to Ayla within the next two days and we will see how it goes." My last words to him before I left the Café. Ayla had been surprisingly quiet during the whole conversation. I had already told her everything in advance and we had written the contract together.

"Is this really the best way? Is this really what you want?" She had asked more than once.

"Yes." I had assured her more than once. "This way you can be with your mate while I can get what I want."

If she would have just understood what it was that I really wanted. But she never had a chance. For wolves this was a foreign concept and she was too young to grasp that.