-Tee-

I love him...very much. Too much...but I'm not gay. Besides the internal struggle of not wanting to be, I understand mostly sexuality can't be helped.

But I know I like girls. I'm attracted to girls. Arie is just...well Arie. Who wouldn't want him?

But the older I get the more I want to have sex with girls.

It's Arie that stops me every time. 

There is hardly anything about him that doesn't turn me on to the point of madness. His smell, his body. His skin is so soft...he is so soft and he fits inside my arms like he was grown to be there.

But I can't be gay.

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling urging myself not to have a panic attack. I miss him too much. Most everything about him in fact but what I miss the most is the way he makes me feel. I can never understand how someone so tiny makes me feel so calm and safe. 
The mind-numbing dull ache that his absence brings is torture. 

I didn't think I could survive the summer. I need him in my arms driving away the dread. 

There is a knock and I look up as my mom peers around the cracked door.

She sighs as she walks to my bedside unconsciously alerting me something is wrong. 

She sits beside me and reaches over to place her hand on my cheek.

"Are you sick baby?" She asks. 

"No Mom."

"You miss Arie." It's not a question. My mom knows without Arie I'm uncomfortable in my skin. 

"Too much, but he starts school in a week. He should be back any day. I'll feel better soon."

"I know it's been hard without him but it must be getting easier."

"Not easier. I'm just used to being uncomfortable. When I see him I won't hurt anymore."

She takes a deep breath. 
"Tee, you are eighteen it's time to let Arie go."

I rub my aching temple, "Don't you think I tried?"

"I know you have. I'm proud of you for working on it in therapy. But things can't stay how they have. You boys are older now."

"What do you expect?"

"Maybe a clean break." 

I realize later she was navigating this conversation carefully. Trying to soften the blow her words would bring. 

"No."

"Why?"

"I'm not ready."

"What about Arie? It's not fair for him to live for you."

"He promised me."

"Will you forever hold him to that no matter how much it hurts him?"

"I need Arie!" I snap acting like a child once again but when it comes to Arie I don't know how not to be. 

She takes a deep breath. "Tee, Arie isn't coming back."

All the air leaves the room allowing the dread to seep in and settle into every corner. 

"What are you talking about?"

"Arie has decided to stay in Florida for his senior year."

"How do you know that?"

"He called to tell me."

"When?"

"A month ago."

"Why are you just telling me now?!" I snap as I leap from the bed and move wildly to dress.

My mother stands. "What are you doing?"

"He is just angry. I'll make him come back." I tell her quickly not wanting to waste any more time on this conversation. 

I hurt all over and my heart is racing from her revelation. He is just being vindictive. I can bring him home. 

"Tee stop!" She raises her voice as she takes hold of my arm. 

I try to pull away but she holds me firmly. 

"Tee! He doesn't want to see you. He asked me to help you and I am. You will under no circumstance leave this house. Am I understood?"

"I'm going to Arie," I say as I stare back at her. 

My mother takes a breath. "No. You won't. Your father has your keys and you are grounded in this house. Besides he is no longer at his grandparents." She tells me with a softened tone.

"Where is he?"

"He is staying with his uncles in Miami."

I know where his grandparents live but I have never been to his Uncle Leo's house.

Instantly, I feel deflated once again making room for the dread to fill me up. I drop myself to sit at the edge of the bed. 

"Why does he have to go this far?" I whisper as my eyes start to feel hot making my headache worse. 

My mom sits down beside me taking my hand in hers. "You gave him no other choice." 

Those words burn as I absorb them. 

"How long will he be in Miami?"

"At least for the next school year. I asked him if he will come back for college, he doesn't know."

"How can he just be gone? I might not ever...
My voice cracks as the tears start to slide down my face. 

"You will. Arie wouldn't forget about you. We are his family too. Both of you just need time apart to heal. This isn't the end."

"It can't be. We love each other."

"Tee, contrary to what Hallmark says love is never enough. Love is fueled by sacrifice and growth. How can you love Arie without hurting him if you don't stop hurting yourself? Sacrifice this time so you can grow and he can grow."

I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand and peer out of the window, "What are you saying?"

"You guys love each other, but so what if you can't actually be together?. Sounds to me like your love just causes each other pain."

"You mean my love. My love causes him pain." I accuse but I know I'm not angry with her. It's myself that I hate the most. 

"But isn't it the truth? If you don't want to be with him what's the point of holding on to him? Let him go find someone who can give him everything you can't." 
My mother pleads as the stubborn child in me speaks again. 

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I can't be ok...without him."

It's quiet for a few minutes the only sound is my heavy breaths. I can't breathe correctly as I try to bury my tears and not freak the fuck out.

"After....I.....We owe Arie so much. So much I feel guilty all the time about it." 
My mother's voice cracks and I look at her. Her face is red. She wipes at her cheeks but more tears run down her face. 

"Why?"

"I'm your mother and I let you use him...even knowing you took it too far."

I take a moment to let her words sink in. A part of me wants to deny how fucked up I am. 

"You knew?" I ask.

She nods.

"How?"

"Intuition. Why did you cross that line with him? He already gave you too much."

"My reasons won't make you feel better. They are worse than you think." I admit feeling more hollow than I can stand. 

"Say it anyway."

"I wanted more. He makes me feel human. I wanted him to give me everything to always fill me up until I'm not a ghost anymore."

My mother covers her face with her hands and speaks through her fingers. 
"Do you understand how selfish that is?"

"I do, but it doesn't stop everything in me craving him."

My mother drops her hands and takes a deep breath.
"You aren't good for him. It's time to stop this. I know you don't mean to be cruel but if you can't love him like he deserves... and give him all he deserves stop holding him back." Her voice is stern. 

"I...don't think I can."

She shakes her head adamantly.
"He has spoiled you too much. We all have. You have to work on it. Use the tools you learned in therapy."

"It's easier said than done. I just always imagined he would be beside me."

"When did that start?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you two were always close but when did it become....I don't know. When did you stop being a singular person?"

I consider her question for a long time ..and then I remember it was 9th grade.

I push the memory away not wanting to admit that her statement has any truth. 

"What are you talking about?" I mutter unconvincingly. 

"Deny it if you want to. But here is the bottom line. Arie begged me. He doesn't want this any longer. He wants a fresh start and we will respect that. We will be grateful for all he has done and wish him well."

"How is that possible? He is my best friend."

"The answer is simple. Take it a second at a time. Then a minute at a time, then an hour, then a day, then a week. So on until you're strong enough without him."

Her words fall deaf to me but I don't say anything else. I just go inside myself clinging to something he gave me.