A/N:🌹🌹
{Trade a Moment}{by: Evening Traveler}
-Clover-
-Later at Fiats Dorm-
I'm sitting on his bed watching him eat. I can't eat, there's a brick in my stomach.
"What's that face?"
I didn't even notice he was looking at me. He walks over to sit beside me on the bed. I want to cry. My chest hurts.
I take his hand in mine. " You know I love you right?"
His eyebrow flinches, "Of course."
I can feel a tear break free of my eyelashes. He touches my face wiping it away.
"Are you still upset about Art?"
I shake my head. I take a moment to take a deep breath. I start again.
"I don't ever.. remember you not being part of me."
"Cradle, to college. You'll never be rid of me."
I look up at his big brown eyes. His eyebrows are furrowed. I reach up and gently massage in between his brows and he relaxes his face.
"Fiat....let's breakup."
He looks stunned.
"What are you talking about?"
My throat is dry. I stand up and walk over to the table. I take a sip from his water glass. Then look back at him.
"It's time, don't you think?"
"Why?"
"Because a habit...isn't being in love."
"What does that mean?"
" It means...,
I take a deep breath, trying to focus my thoughts. I start again hoping he'll understand exactly and more importantly whosactly I'm talking about.
"Being in Love is the person you run to first. The person... whose presence matters most. You feel uncomfortable without them around, Love is the person you always search for in the dark because their love lights your way. The person you run to, no matter how far they seem...... I think we both deserve that."
But-" His voice cracks, I walk over and kneel between his legs and take his hands in mine. I rub my cheek against his knuckles.
"Not all love is meant to last forever.....Sometimes love is just a vehicle, that guides you to your true destination. That drives you to a more important love....You have taught me so much about love. I won't ever forget that. I won't forget that you taught me to love someone who is my best friend. To love someone patient, and kind, and deserving."
I look up at him, he's crying. I reach up and take his face in my hands, wiping his tears away with my thumbs.
"Don't cry.... All endings are sad, but I promise you this is a happy ending.... Stop being afraid. Let's be brave together."
He stands up and pulls me by the back of my neck and wraps his arms around me. He holds me tightly. He's trembling, it occurs to me that I have never seen him cry, let alone weep. Is it strange that I'm grateful? Not grateful he's hurting, but grateful he loves me this much.
" You won't be mad at me? You won't hate me?" He asks. into my shoulder.
I take a moment, inhaling his warm familiar scent.
"Hate you for what? For falling in love? How could I? It's no one's fault. And you shouldn't feel guilty."
I break away from his embrace. " You'll always be mine, just in a different way." I take a step back, look at him for a moment then step up onto the balls of my feet and kiss him.
Goodbye, my first love.
I walked home.
I left my car at Arts dorm. More accurately I forgot it. It's a thirty-minute walk. It's hot but I don't care. I didn't think I would be this sad. I know it's the right thing I just remind myself that all endings are sad and it won't always feel this way.
When I finally get back to my dorm, I'm sticky with sweat. I shower until the water runs cold, and dress in my ugliest sweats. The ones I only wear on the worst days of my period. They are my sick or depressed sweats, I only pull them out for those emergencies.
I lay in my bed until I feel restless. I need a drink. I sit up and look out of the window, it's getting dark. I walk over to my desk and pick up my purse and key fob and remember I left my car.
I check my phone, no new messages. Not that I really expected any. I decide to walk to the convenience store. I head to the door and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I look like shit.
I decide not to care, I don't have anyone to look good for anyway.
I buy a six-pack of beer, and walk back towards my dorm but decide to stop at the pedestrian bridge. It's nighttime and it's not busy. So I sit on the ground and push my legs through two breaks in the railing and let my legs dangle over. I watch the cars drive underneath me, and drink my beers.
I open my third can when I feel someone behind me. I look up and Gem is looking down at me.
" You heading home?"
I shake my head and look back down at the cars. I assumed she would leave, but instead, she sits beside me.
"Did you have a bad day?"
I look down at my grocery bag of beers. "No... I sit outside and drink like a hobo on my good days....Do you want one?"
She shakes her head. "What happened?"
I shrug, " Endings are sad."
"Not happy ones."
"Especially happy ones."
She looks at me confused. I finish off my third beer and reach for my fourth.
"Is there something I can do to help?"
I shake my head. "I'll be ok soon."
"Not soon enough. I hate to see such a sassy girl look so defeated."
"Well, I did just lose my boyfriend to another man, defeated would be a very accurate description of my current state."
"Whoa, that sucks."
" Yeah, what can I say?... I could hardly blame him, doesn't everyone like some dick from time to time?
She chuckles. "No...definitely not."
Her disgusted expression makes me laugh. I don't know why but laughing triggers my tears, and I feel them rolling down my face.
Gem stands up, pulls me up by my wrist, and turns me to face her. " Your face is all red."
She wipes away my tears with the sleeve of her shirt. "I'm sorry I don't have a tissue."
"What are you doing?"
She leans down and scoops up my grocery bag.
"Walking you home."
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