>Warning! Triggering content may be brought up in this chapter as topics of alcohol abuse, underage drinking, self-harm, and even attempted suicide.<

*I was going to wait until book two to have this flashback, but I felt it was better placed here.*

With my brother Jonathan and our cousin Zach, they decided to talk me into heading with them to a friend's house. Against my better judgment, I went. My anxiety keeps trying to get the better of me, but I’m supposed to use my youth to be reckless and dumb right? To hang out with people and attend parties. Have a little fun. This is supposed to be fun right? I hear it is, but I still would rather be at home, in my room, maybe binge another anime. At least then my stomach wouldn’t be knotting itself and this bad feeling wouldn’t be threatening to overtake me.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. Mom said it was fine for you to come along with us. So, why are you so worried?” Jonathan tries to settle my nerves, but it doesn’t do a whole lot.

“I don’t know. I just… I don’t know.”

He gives me a smile and again tries to calm me.

“Look, if things are still bothering you in an hour, we’ll leave. Even if I have to call us a car and leave Zach behind, okay?”

An hour. That’s not too bad, right?

‘You can handle an hour.’

Okay.

The nagging feeling doesn’t go away, but I try my best to ignore it. Giving Jonathan a smile back, I try to ease his worries. I want to let him enjoy himself and not feel like he has to keep babysitting me. Though we aren’t blood and have our issues with each other at times, he tries his best to be a big brother.

“Okay. I think I’m going to get a breather for a quick moment. That should help.”

“Do you need me to go with?”

Giving me a concerned look, I don’t want to ruin his evening. Especially with how siked he was to hang out with Zach again. They’ve always been pretty close.

“No, it’s fine. I just need a moment away from all the noise.”

Another set of smiles exchanged, I head out to the back porch. The sliding glass door muffles the music and voices loud enough to be heard over it. A deep breath of the crisp night air, it comes easier out here. The feeling too seems to subside a little as well.

Things haven’t been all that well for me lately. Graduation around the corner, I try to chalk most of it up as stress revolving around that. But, deep down I know it’s more than that.

Looking down at the faint pink scars on my wrist, I’m glad that they are at least healing. Though fresh ones further up my arm keep having new tallies added. One of my friends called me out on them a month back, so I knew I needed to do a better job at hiding them. I even got called to the guidance counselor's office the other day but was able to convince her it was a misunderstanding and change the conversation quickly. A Lot can be covered up with a sweet face and convincing stories.

People don’t want to assume the worst out of me, so many times I can use that to my advantage if need be. I try not to lie for the most part, but when backed into a corner, sometimes stories spill from my lips before I have a chance to catch them. And once their out, why change them?

I’m just glad the counselor talked to me before Mom or my therapist. After getting things settled, she agreed that worrying them over a misunderstanding wouldn’t be the best thing to do, so the secret gets to stay with me for now.

The glass door sliding, I turn to see Zach coming out with two red cups in his hands. My anxiety increases.

“Hey, Jonathan told me your anxiety was getting bad.”

He walks closer and I begin to stiffen a bit.

“Uh, yeah. I just, uh, I just needed to get a breather. I should be fine in a moment”

Unable to meet his gaze, I bring my focus back forward. My eyes watch the leaves of ivy growing along the fence line blowing slightly in the wind.

“You know that kind of sucks right? He told me that you two will be leaving in an hour. Don’t you think that’s a little selfish to make him leave because you can’t handle yourself? Come on Maddy. Just stay, okay? Live a little. You’re 18, so enjoy yourself. Here.”

Next to me now, he hands me one of the drinks he was holding. I take it unsure. Only now am I able to meet his eyes as I stare at him confused. The smell of alcohol making its way to my nose, there’s no mistake about what's in the cup.

“You know I’m underage. I can’t drink this.”

He rolls his eyes before speaking in his usual sarcastic tone.

“Oh, crap, what was I thinking. I mean, you’re right, no one underaged has ever drank before. Come on, Maddy, it will help with your anxiety. Just drink it.”

‘DON’T!’

‘It’s fine. Like he said, it will help with your anxiety.’

‘You don’t want to be a burden to Jonathan, do you? If this can help you, why not.’

But…

‘Don’t do it, Madison!’

‘You’re young. Live a little.’

“Go on. Trust me, it will help.”

Taking it to my lips, I’m still hesitant.

“Do it.”

A voice whispers in my ear. The same one that I’ve heard on a few occasions before. Ignoring it as I usually try to do, I drink. Hoping that maybe the alcohol will help me with my recent problems too. Help me to not feel so tense, and to enjoy myself a little. To be young and dumb.

“That a girl. Now come on, join the rest of us.”

Grimising at the taste, I ignore it as I follow Zach back into the party and sip on the drink he gave me. Jonathan meets up with us not long after entering the house.

“Hey, you two.”

He as well has a red cup in his hand and gives me a weird look when seeing mine.

“Uh, Maddy?”

Zach butts in before I respond.

“It’s fine. I gave it to her to help her relax a little.”

“Oh, okay. How are you liking it.”

He laughs, already seeming to know I hate the taste.

“It’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, it’s something you have to get used to.”

He shrugs before wrapping his arm around my shoulder and walking me further into the party to meet a few of his friends I haven’t met yet, and a few that I have. 

 I continue to down on my drink, a little faster now that the taste has numbed out, I’m on my third one before I know it. Not yet seeming to feel much of anything. That is until I’m on my fourth and things hit hard before even realizing. Things begin to get spotty after that point.

I’m laughing and sipping on another drink as Jonathan grabs it out of my hand.

“Okay, you’ve had enough. I think it’s about time we head home, okay, Maddy?”

Zach standing near gets onto him.

“Come on man. When have you ever seen her like this? Just let her have a little fun.”

I smile, glad to have someone on my side. Even if it is Zach.

“Ye, yeah. Just,  just have me fun, Jonathan.”

Anger begins to settle on Jonathan’s face.

…

I’m on the phone with Bailey crying, telling her things I’ve never told anyone. Things bottled up that I didn’t know were still hurting me and some I knew still had a sharp edge to them.

“Why doesn’t my mom love me? Why would she just leave me? Do I suck that much?”

“Babes, what are you talking about? You’re amazing.”

“That’s not what he says. He keeps telling me that he’s the only one who cares. That everyone else is only putting up with me to be nice.”

…

I’m on a swing, not swimming because it made me too nauseous, and my friend is sitting in the one next to me. He’s really nice.

“Hey, how about we head back inside? You’re brother’s looking for you.”

“Okay.”

I follow his lead. He walks me around to the front door and we head upstairs to a quiet room.

…

A knife in my hand, Jonathan bangs on the door.

“Maddy, Stop!”

Looking up, he managed to get in. He grabs the knife still in my hand now stained red. He shouts for help as I cry.

“SOMEONE HELP!”

“I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t be here. Something’s wrong with me!”

“Maddy, just stop, okay?! Nothing is wrong with you.”

Zach now enters the room and freezes when seeing the scene. “Oh… But…”

“Just get over here. There’s too much blood. Maddy, why would you do this?”

Jonathan tries hard to stay focused, he wraps something around the wound on my arm. It too begins to stain red.

“I… I… I need to… He said I could join him…”

“Who said that?”

Jonathan trying to stop the bleeding, it’s Zach that begins to take action once getting his bearings.

…

I’m in the back seat of someone's car. It looks familiar. Bailey is in the driver’s side and Jonathan in the passenger’s as we stop in a drive-through. Fries get handed back to me, but I can’t taste them, and the texture seems to dry my mouth out.

“Babes, you need to eat.”

“Why?”

“Because you said you were hungry and I want something in your system besides alcohol.”

“Fine!”

Reluctant, I listen to her and eat.

“We can’t take her home, mom will kill us both!”

“You should have taken her to the hospital. How could you let her get that drunk?! Seriously Jonathan?!”

“It wasn’t me. Zach gave it to her. I tried to stop her after her second cup, but somehow she kept sneaking off and getting more to drink. You know how stubborn she is, it got worse after she drank. You try to look after her and see how well you do!”

“I would have still done a better job. And Zach?! I didn’t like him before, and after tonight, I can’t stand him. If he didn’t save her like he did, I would have laid my hands on him.”

“He’s not great, but come on, Bailey. You can’t blame him fully for tonight. You should have seen him when he saw Maddy upstairs. I don’t think he would have let her drink if he knew that would have happened.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Maddy called me earlier and told me some things. Why do you think I showed up so fast.”

“What did she tell you?”