Idris frowned and shook his head. “Of course not – ”

“You think someone went insane because they want to fuck me? You think someone tried to poison a bunch of people because I ‘spread my legs’ for them, as you so eloquently put it?”

Idris pursed his lips, waiting for me to calm down, but I wasn’t going to calm down. Not this time. I stood abruptly, stalking away so I could pace the length of the living room like a panther trapped in a cage. I whipped my head over to look at Idris, who seemed to go very still under my stare, watching me with that same fucking look. The one that meant he was trying to figure me out again.

He couldn’t. No one could. And I didn’t want him to. He didn’t need to know about all the shit in my head. He didn’t need to know about my nightmares, about the events that caused the nightmares. He didn’t need to know that I vomited more often than I ate because when I ripped my stomach out that one time, it didn’t grow back in the same. He didn’t need to know that raised voices made me want to cover my ears and hide under the bed.

He didn’t need to know that sometimes, when Peace or Wisdom touched me, as innocent as those touches were, it made me shake, made it so I couldn’t breathe until one of them shocked me back into reality.

And now, I was fighting the shaking, the panicked breathing. I pretended it was all rage, to keep it from escalating, but I knew, deep down, that it wasn’t. It was that scared thing inside me taking over once again.

“You think I want to be this way?” I asked. “Do you think I asked for this?”

“No,” Idris said softly. “I don’t. It’s not your fault, Rook. I know that.”

“You wouldn’t have brought it up if you did.”

Idris slowly rose to his feet as well, keeping his gaze on me, and for some reason, that made my stomach lurch. I jumped back from him, wild-eyed, and in the process ran right into a small stand with a decorative lamp on it, sending both crashing to the floor, but I paid it no mind, keeping my sights locked on Idris for his next move.

Get away. I had to get away. But he was blocking the exit. The balcony, maybe? The drop to the ground would hurt like a bitch, but it probably wouldn’t kill me.

Shock bled into Idris’s expression and he paused, keeping very still as he watched me like I was a feral beast about to go on a rampage.

“Rook,” he said, voice incredibly soft. “I’m not going to hurt you. I wouldn’t do that. Please sit down.”

Something about the way he said ‘please’ is what finally got through to me. Like he was legitimately pleading with me. Like he would cry if I didn’t sit. I sucked in air, and it was a relief to my burning lungs that had only been getting short half-breaths for the past few minutes. Once my heart rate settled a bit, I hesitantly stepped over to the couch I’d tossed my bag on, taking a seat at the edge of the cushion. Idris followed suit shortly thereafter, sitting on the couch across from mine. He stared at me in stunned silence, and it felt like an ice-cold ball had dropped in my gut.

“Get out,” I said quietly. Idris’s lips twitched, like he wanted to argue, but in the end, he only nodded, stood up, and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Idris could say he wouldn’t hurt me all he wanted, but the fact of the matter was that he already had. He’d hurt me more than anyone else. And he fucking knew it.

Abruptly, I was sucked into a memory of my first time in paradise. After Ren had taken me to meet Idris, Ren had started organizing the welcome party that was customary for all the new gods that were slowly popping up all over paradise.

When Idris first saw me in the foyer of his palace, when he recognized me and pretended he didn’t, I already knew something was off. And though it had been my goal for the past month and a half to find Idris and be with him, now that I’d met him, I felt odd, and it all stemmed from that split second expression of horror that crossed his face.

I started feeling queasy again, even more so when Idris held his hand out to me casually to shake and murmured a lackluster greeting. I returned the greeting, shook his hand…and immediately dropped it, feeling like electricity was running over where we’d touched. Confused by Idris’s expression and the weird sensation, I drew into myself, wrapping my arms around my waist and casting my gaze to the floor. Ren, who had seen how eager I was to meet Idris, was puzzled by my behavior. He gave me a weird look, but he could sense enough of the tension to know not to ask.

“I’ll get him set up somewhere temporarily, until he finds a good spot to build his own place,” Ren was saying. “I’ll tell the other gods about the welcome party tonight too.”

I tilted my head at that, still looking at the floor, overwhelmed by everything and nothing all at once. Other gods? I thought. There were more than just Ren? And what was this about a welcome party? What was a party?

I didn’t voice any of my questions, fearing that I would sound stupid in front of Idris. Ren was giving Idris an odd look as well, and I didn’t know at the time that it was because Idris wasn’t greeting me the way he greeted the other gods who found their way to his door.

With them, he wrapped them in a hug, told them he was proud of them for finding their way to him. He told them he would always protect them, as their king and their friend. Often he would invite them for a meal before personally guiding them around paradise.

With me, he could barely look at me, barely touch me. He didn’t offer me congratulations for making my way to him. He didn’t offer to share food with me.

He just…stood there. And so Ren picked up the slack and eventually led me out of Idris’s palace, but I could feel Idris’s stare on my back.

I didn’t like this, I thought, all of a sudden. I didn’t like it here. Nothing was…nothing was right. The plants didn’t eat people. The air was too clean. The sun was too bright. And Idris…

Idris hated my fucking guts, I realized, coming to a slow stop on the path outside Idris’s palace, making Ren look at me curiously. He really…

He didn’t want me here. All that time I’d spent looking for him and now that I’d found him, he wanted nothing to do with me.

Without a word, I bent over and vomited more blood onto the path. Ren leaped back with a yip to get out of the way, watching until I finished. He didn’t bother to hold my hair back for me either.

When I was done, Ren looked at me awkwardly, muttered something about having a servant clean that up, and then continued leading me to the temporary living quarters given to all new gods.

It was a dormitory of sorts, a house split into four private rooms. I was the only one occupying it at the moment, as they hadn’t had any new gods show up recently, so I got my pick of the rooms. I chose the one on the downstairs right, and Ren left me to my devices to wash up and rest before the party tonight. He found a change of clothes for me too, a black robe similar to the one I was wearing, but clean and without any tears. He also gave me a pair of soft black pants to wear underneath.

I was on autopilot, numb in shock as I bathed in the large tub set into the ground. There were fancy soaps and oils on the shelves around the tub, and I used a little bit of everything, not sure what was used for what. I probably smelled like a walking perfume shop afterwards, but it was better than smelling like ashy soil and vetiver, like I usually did.

I dried off, dressed, and without any idea what to do with myself, I sat on the edge of the soft bed with its thick blue blankets. While I was curious about what the rest of paradise was like, I was too scared to venture outside and see it on my own. Ren didn’t say I had to stay here, but he also didn’t say I could leave. And the way he looked at me when I left told me that wandering about on my own would not be appreciated.

I wondered if the other gods that came through here felt that way, if they got the same look, like they were a wild animal that needed to be contained.

And, wow, gods. There were other gods. Several of them, from the way Ren had talked about them. Idris had been here with all these other gods this whole time. Meanwhile, I had been…

Sitting there, in that little room that felt more like a prison than the forest had ever been to me, I thought, for the very first time, that it wasn’t fair.

I hadn’t cared what happened to me in the forest, not really. Because I thought that no matter what was happening to me, Idris probably had it just as bad or worse. I had thought our suffering was shared, but it turns out, I was the only one in pain. I was the only one who was alone. Idris had had other gods to comfort him this whole time. He didn’t need me.

And that hurt. It hurt like a bitch. It hurt so bad, I could feel a physical ache in my chest. I rubbed the space over my heart uncomfortably, like that would make the pain go away.

Unfortunately, I was more optimistic back then. After I had a chance to sit down and think it over, I decided that it didn’t matter. So what if Idris hadn’t looked for me? So what if he didn’t want me here? I was here now, and no way was I going back. There were others here. I could make friends, form my own family. Surely not everyone would hate me the way Idris seemed to.

I could build a little home for myself somewhere out of the way so Idris wouldn’t have to see me. My presence bothered him, so I would find somewhere quiet, and I would keep to myself. Whether Idris liked me personally or not, at least I was out of that forest. At least I was safe.

How wrong I was.