A lot can happen in two years. A lot of bad things. Let me relay to you my "Dear John" type scenario.

First, I stopped caring. I was on an emotional roller coaster that could only go down, and I went far down.

I troll facebook for companionship and find Ashton. He has grown up a lot since elementary school. I have grown up a lot, too.

I wind up going to this party at his house. His parents have rented out the top level of their house to help with the bills, so I walk around back to enter from the basement door.

The sight of the back porch sends back memories of Truth or Dare played with "the Group." I quickly descend to the basement door which is at the bottom of a series of cement steps. I try to ward past memories away.

He answers almost immediately. I catch sight of Sal just inside and fear Sally and the others might be invited as well.

"Oh, no. They kicked me out of 'the Group' years ago. I'm not sure there's even a 'group' left," she tells me nonchalantly. "No, it's just me."

There are three other boys there and that's it. There's also heavy metal music and alcohol. The lights are dim, which is nice, and the music doesn't bother me.

I watch Sal and one of Ashton's friends play pool together.

His friend has long, ear length black hair and a look about him that seems both to brood at life and laugh in the face of it at the same time. His name is Rick.

I can see why Rick and Ashton are friends. They both seem to be deep thinkers, except Ashton hides his thoughts behind humor.

Rick seems to be intensely invested in his mind. He's a genius of kinds, I can tell by listening to him. He's interested in all subjects, and he's good at them, too. And he's mesmerized by outgoing Sal.

Sal is no longer too tall or mature for her age, but has grown into her height and mind perfectly. And she uses her bold optimism to charm his darker side. She dances to the music and laughs, and he watches straight faced and then asks for her number.

As I observe, I become jealous of her charm and his awe that is so aberrant it borders on obsession. I see a connection between them that I feel I'm missing.

Eventually, Ashton's friends and Sal leave, but I stay. I don't want to go home.

My mom and I have grown even farther apart, and I begin to feel helplessly trapped in our lonely little condo.

Instead, Ashton and I make-out for a long while before finally it's clear he has to drive me home. I convince myself the physical contact has some sort of emotional value for him that it just doesn't have.

I tell Beth about it the next day in Honors English class.

"I know guys like him," she says. "You should stay away from him," she warns.

But I ignore her and Ashton and I make-out in the back of his car several more nights, always very late, and always when I don't want to go back home.

There seems to be a social outlook that says that if you go seeking out the bad, you don't deserve better. Like if you don't think you deserve it, other people shouldn't either. But it's a lie. I did deserve better.

He expresses to me that he wants to do more than just make-out, so we have a discussion about it the next night in the back of his car.

"I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do," he says, which is good.

I'm upset at the thought of having to give up our nightly routine for the alternative of having nothing else to fill up my nights, but I don't want to have sex with him.

"Maybe we could go on some dates," I say hopefully, as though that would fulfill his need just as well.

"No, I don't want to go on dates," he says. He says maybe he should stop picking me up at night.

That night, after he drops me off, I stare up at my ceiling in bed and wonder why Ashton and I can't have what Nolan and I had. Why I can't make him respect me like Nolan did. Why physical attraction doesn't amount to an emotional connection.

I can't come up with a good answer.

Sal calls me the next morning. She wants me to go to Rick's funeral with her because none of her other friends will.

Something happens when someone you know dies. Especially someone your age. The friends you thought you had sometimes shy away from your pain as quickly as you can become it. And you find yourself going through it almost alone.