Okay, let me tell you this: Phil was attractive. Very much so. These muscles? Yes! His broad shoulders? Gimme! And that butt! It was super attractive. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and ask him to make my booty happy! But he was also not nice at all and that’s why I decided that my booty had to stay unhappy this night. I wouldn’t put his qualities as a possible partner to the test.

You know?

I knew men like him. I had dated several. Ok. Not exactly dated since they all didn’t pass the test. The tango. The yoga. The ring the bell. The make-but-happy! I wanted a nice partner that was not only nice but also gifted! I hated boredom. And my Mom always told me, to get a good partner that wasn’t only nice and good to me out of bed, but also in bed. But, sadly, I only found losers so far. I don’t know why. My sisters were very successful. Heaven, Aurora always bragged about her yoga sessions with her oh-so-good boyfriend when she was very, very drunk. So much, that Lu (Alba Luna) tried to tape her mouth shut once.

And me?

I found my first boyfriend at fifteen. I lost him a week later. He died. That wasn’t my fault, by the way! But his brother still thinks that it was my fault… It was a mess. An ugly mess. We had fun, he had an idea ( a stupid one) and died. After his death, things went badly for some time. I didn’t talk about it much. But I still think that he was my one and only true love. We only kissed. I never put him to the test. No, I came up with the test later.

I found my next boyfriend at sixteen. He was nineteen. At a city festival with a small fair and concerts that lasted three days. At the first little concert. Three nice days full of silly teenage romance. On the last day of the fair, it happened. We drank too many energy drinks, I was totally hyper… And we both decided to have some fun together after the final concert. He was eighteen and his parents weren’t at home. The same night we got together, I realized, that some people love to pee on others while in the middle of the tango. Yeah. Shit. I had a really good time until he started to pee on me. I broke up with him the same night. I left him confused and naked in his wet bed! And after that, the crazy sh*t went on.

At seventeen, I met this nice boy three years older than me. We dated for two weeks before we ended up in bed together. He wanted me to pretend I was a cute and fluffy alpaca. I hate these animals! I came up with my great plan after that night! Another possible boyfriend wanted me to treat him like my baby! And one wore silly elephant underwear!!!! BIG NONO!!!!! His little man was the elephant's long nose.

And this Phil with his stupid alpacas wouldn’t be any better! He was rude! I didn’t test rude people!

But I really wanted to be in a relationship. I would never give up until I found my prince. But that wouldn’t be this Alpaca-Boy!

I wanted a prince! A prince that treated me like a god! A prince that would make me happy. A prince without weird fantasies! Or elephant underwear… A prince that I could love the way he was. A prince that I could equally love.

I unpacked my last bag and put my decorativ friend ‚Oscar the Long‘ on my bedside table. Oscar was a… Well… I think you know. He was broken. I found him inside the trash and painted a little happy face on him. Maxim even got a little hat for him. I found some sunglasses meant for dolls that fit his new face well.

And I got a fancy necktie for him from Mom. She made it herself after she discovered him in my dorm room when she visited. Oscar would wait here for me. Shortly after, Lali stood in front of the glass door. I trough the pillow over Oscar. She didn’t notice the broken toy.

Dinner was nothing special. I talked a bit with Alessia. I met her husband Vinod and her sister Livia with her husband Amadeo. Their last name was Field too, since both husbands chose to take it. Lali told me her full name: Lali Charu Ermintrud. She told me, that she hated being called Ermintrude. Her best friend called her Trudy. She was fine with that.

And I did my best to not have to talk to Phil as much as possible. That was easy since Lali was eager to talk with me. Just like her parents. They asked me about my studies and my job.

Amadeo and Livia were very nice, but Phil didn’t look like them at all. Livia had black hair and green eyes. Amadeo was bright blond with blue eyes and more freckles than should be humanly possible. They too asked me some questions, while I wondered if Alpaca-Boy was adopted.

„Did Lali tell you about the ghost?“, Amadeo asked me by dessert. Strawberries with sugary cream.

„Yes…“ I looked at the girl. She nodded proudly.

„I told him, Uncle!“

„Good!“, murmured Amadeo. „The ghost is harmless.“

Vinod grunted. „It’s just a silly story!“

Amadeo shook his head. „No, no, no! I saw the ghost! And Livia‘s father told me about the ghost when I arrived here. He was a victim of a crime! He doesn’t know who murdered him. That’s why he is still here!“

Alessia sight. „It’s just a scary story from our childhood. Sadly, Amadeo thinks it’s true“, she whispered to me. „He is a hobby ghost-hunter. He searches for ghosts in old abundant mansions.“

„How nice?“ That didn’t sound like a hobby for me. And, well, I didn’t want a ghostly roommate. At all.

After dinner, Vinod showed me the car, I was supposed to use. Well… It was more a trash can than a car. Really! It was old and rusty! And it smelled like old fabric inside.

„I had to do some repairs, but you should be fine now. It will drive you safely to university!“, he announced.

„Wonderful!“ I didn’t want to drive that car. I bet someone could catch rabies from it! Trash on four wheels. Awesome. „Thank you“, I said as politely as possible, while Vinod handed me the car keys.

Vinod noticed anyway. „You’re a rich boy. I know. You‘re used to better things. But this car is all we can give. That car and that old apartment. You will be back in your dorm soon. Don’t worry. Do you need me or Alessia to take you shopping tomorrow? You need other clothes. Clothes that can get dirty. And better shoes. I can search for the old rubber bouts for you. Alessia said she told you about them?“

I nodded. „No. But, thank you. I’ll be fine. And I dislike rubber.“ I brushed my fingers through my hair. „I would throw them away in a few weeks anyway.“ I looked at my poor dirty and muddy high heels. „But I will get some other shoes I guess. Some sneakers maybe.“

Vinod laughed. „And maybe some pants or people will mistake you for a pretty and delicate girl!“

„Funny.“
„Oh! It would be!“, he agreed still laughing. „I don’t care what you wear. But some of our neighbors are a bit old-fashioned. I don’t want you to get in trouble with them. Not that they live that close to us, but they come here sometimes. To buy Honey from Phil, or simply to chat about farming. They are mostly nice but very old-fashioned.“

„Thanks for the warning, I guess.“ Geez. I didn’t plan to become a new person here. Or to stay for long.

That night, it was way too hot inside the spooky apartment. Hot air seemed to be stuck in every room and the partly open window didn’t help at all. This little house lacked an air conditioner. After three hours of sleepless sweating, I opened the glass door. Cool air greeted me and finally, I could sleep.

I didn’t see or hear a ghost that night.

But the next morning, when I opened my eyes, I looked directly into the eyes of a f*cking alpaca.

„What?“ I screamed startled and sat up. The alpaca stepped back and stared at me. After some seconds it lazily tilted its head and farted. Yes. It farted. It was a long, loud, juicy, and stinky fart…