„Romeo is back!“, Maxim called, when I joined them again.

I sight and sat down next to Silvan. Romeo? No. I tried to find my Romeo. But I was unlucky again.

„You don‘t look happy!“, he noticed.

„I don’t?“ I sight and looked at my empty coffee glass. Maxim had drank everything. Of course. „It wasn’t very exciting.“

„It wasn’t?“ Maxim looked at my glass. „I get you a new one.“

„Thanks.“

And he ran off to get me a new coffee. Silvan hugged me. „Tell me about it. He looked good. Was his dingeling too small? Was he rough? An ass? Was he unable to make you feel good? Or did he think you are a girl? Like the last one? Did he hit you?“ He looked at my face. “No. You seem fine.”

„I’m fine. Just angry. Oh, Silvan! He had a nice ass! A very handsome male specimen. And his little specimen. His warrior! It was quite nice too! The perfect length!“ I leaned on him. “But it was a disaster.”

„Okay… What did go wrong?“

I ruffled my hair and opened it. „He has a girlfriend.“

“Did you ask him, if he was already taken?” Silvan raised his eyebrows.

“No… I forgot to ask…”

He nodded. „So, he told you that? Before?“

„No.“

„After?“ Silvan raised his eyebrows.

I shook my head. „No.“

„Oh.“

„Yes! Oh! While we did the dingledangle! The naughty yoga! The ‘stick your stick in the round spot’ game! It was just getting really good! And suddenly he asks me if I think his girlfriend would be angry at him! Oh! And he blabbered something about the last condom! Heaven! He has a girlfriend! Red flag!“

„Well… Not anymore, I would guess. If she hears about this. He might be free soon!“ Silvan winked at me. “You might still have a chance, my unlucky friend.”

“He just cheated on his girlfriend. No.” Grunting l laid my head down on the table, while Maxim returned with my new coffee.

„Who might be free? Mr. Lover-Lover?“, Maxim asked.

„I don’t want him and his stupid, awesome little Mr. Lover-Lover!“ I pouted and looked at the wonderful coffee. “Thanks.”

„Noelle?“ Silvan petted my hair. „Darling? I told you already but, maybe, you should try dating first. I met my girlfriend like this.“

I looked up at him with one eye. „And you lost her because you cheated. With Maxim.“

Maxim laughed proudly. „We were both very drunk!“

„Maxim lost his boyfriend after that. He cheated the same night!“ Silvan started to braid my hair. “With me. Funny night.”

„You two might not be the experts then…“ I let Silvan play with my hair. It was soothing. „What do I do, if the one I date is all perfect? Until we end up in bed? I don’t want a loser. What is, if he can’t get up his dingdong?”

„Now you‘re being way too dramatic. Are you planning to date a grandpa?“ Maxim started to drink my coffee since I hadn’t touched it yet. He always did that. No coffee was safe from him if it wasn’t immediately claimed and protected by its owner. I found it an adorable character trait. And I didn’t care right now. I had bigger problems.

„Grandpa? I haven’t tried grandpas yet. Should I?“ I set up, Silvan let go of my hair. „Do you think it would be a good idea? Or should I just start a relationship with Oscar? He can’t hurt my feelings.“

„Oscar is a dildo. A nonfunctional dildo!“, Maxim reminded me.

„And he got just chewed on by an alpaca… Poor Oscar…“ I stole my coffee back. Maxim pouted.

„Or poor alpaca…“ Silvan laid his head on my shoulder. „What about this Phileas? Maybe you could try him!“

„Never!“ I would never. Never ever! That unpolite, stupid alpaca-boy wasn’t what I needed. “I did try dating the normal way already. I found two heavenly men. Not at the same time, of course. Both were perfect until we ended up in bed. Both had weird ideas! I don’t want weird. I want vanilla! That’s why I test them first and date them after that!“

“Sweetheart?” Silvan started to play with my hair again. “Maybe you should end that test. You always find weirdos or men that are only interested in one-night stands. And that is not, what you want. Let’s go to a club next weekend. Go flirt. Have fun. Maybe you find someone. And don’t pull him into your bed the moment you see him. Get to know him first. Date him… Or try dating girls.”

“Girls? Nope”, I grunted. “A club? Sure. Why not. Maybe I need a change of plans. A better test!”

Silvan and Maxim sight defeated.  

When I drove back to my new home, hours later, I was still in a bad mood. I hated the car. I hated the farm. I hated the stupid alpacas. And I hated, that I forgot to buy rubber boots… Ok… I didn’t want to own any anyway. Or wear them. Still, I needed suitable shoes… Poor me. My mood got even worse. Until Lali greeted me happily. She asked if she could make my hair and I let her. We set in the small kitchen of my apartment. The sweet girl talked about her friends and about what she did in school. I liked listening to her. And she did my hair very well. I let her take my phone to take some pictures of me outside next to some trees with it. I wanted to show off her talent on twinklegram and she insisted on going outside. Did I walk right in some animal poop, when we went to the trees? Yes. I did. Lali laughed about it.

„Aren’t you the lucky one!“, she said giggling.

„Definitely not. Now I smell like the whole place…“, I grunted. The girl didn’t get offended. She stuck out her tongue at me.

„Welcome home, Lucky Poop Shoe!“

I rolled my eyes. „Thanks, Poop Darling!“ I tickled her, took off my poor heels, and chased her through the high grass until we both were exhausted. „Pictures?“, I asked.

„Pictures!“, the girl agreed.

Lali wanted me to stand in front of some trees and blooming bushes in the backyard of her home, so I did. The pictures came out well. I spotted Phil looking at us with a big smile on his face from one of the windows. I ignored him.

That night, the two donkeys decided to sing the song of their people. I couldn’t get any sleep until they stopped their concert. They sang worse than any bunch of cats. Annoyed I looked out of the broken window. The stable wasn’t that far away, but I could barely see it in the dark. What I did see, was a pale person wearing a dress walking close to it. The person seemed to glow. I blinked confused. But the person was gone the next moment. The donkeys stopped their concert. What?