What a strange evening.

 Is it normal that I get home like this every time I hang out with Marco? I’m the most confused I’ve ever been. 

 I met Marco this summer. I didn’t know him before, I just randomly saw this guy with some eccentric manners wandering around parties or cafes, but I was definitely not interested in him. Things changed when Tommaso started dating Sophie. He told me that she had this group of friends and he was going to meet them, since they were dating for over a month. He asked me to join them, so that he could feel less uncomfortable with all those new people. It was the last day of June, as I recall. The first time I actually met Marco. I already knew he was gay, since rumors like this easily spread around, and I must admit that I had a little sort of… prejudice towards him. Not that I was homophobic, I’ve never been a violent or bigot person. I just thought he wouldn’t exactly fit with me, since we’re so different. Well, I had to change my mind. Surprisingly, he made me laugh all the time with his jokes and I thought that maybe it wasn’t all that bad having him around. 

 The more we spent time together, the more I started to actually like him. He’s really nice and he has nothing to do with the strange, eccentric person I used to think he was. He’s just a guy who’s found his way. I was also surprised that we actually had many interests in common - except for sports, he definitely hates them. He slowly made me enter his universe, and I was so fascinated by it. He has a natural talent for arts - I mean, he draws very well, he can play piano and he also attends a Drama school! Not to mention the fact that he was just so good at school - and I’m sure he’s doing well at uni, too. Every time I get to talk with him, his words just make me feel so stupid. He’s definitely the most clever person I’ve ever met. 

 I realized we were becoming REAL friends when he openly told me he was gay - that was the moment I understood he actually trusted me, since he barely talks about it with strangers or people he doesn’t like. He also told me about his ex. What an absurd story. That was the first time I really felt like I cared about him. I’ve been such a fool to have prejudice against him! Things like sexual orientation shouldn’t affect our perception of other people and if we cared more about concrete actions rather than stupid labels, well, the world would definitely be a better place (when I told him, he said it was the smartest thing I’ve ever said!). 

 All through the summer, I tried to know more and more about Marco. We had such long conversations together and many times we found ourselves alone, apart from the others, laughing and making jokes on each other. I asked many times if he was dating someone, because I truly believed he deserved something better than what his life did to him. I think we established a pretty intense relationship. 

 However, I've been having strange thoughts about me and Marco lately. The last times we’ve been together, I’ve felt something different. I mean, I felt something different in him. He’s been acting weird. Well, not that weird, but I saw him staring at me many times. Two weeks ago, he told me I was wearing the same sweatshirt I wore the last time we met, while I didn’t even notice it. He offers me his drinks sometimes, and when I sit next to him, well, he looks at me in a very strange way, and smiles. He also plays with my hair A LOT. I feel so confused when he acts like that. It’s not that I don’t like it, I just can’t understand why he seems to tamper with my attention at all costs. Maybe it’s just his way of, you know, showing affection to his friends, but I can say I’ve never seen him looking at Davide or Tommaso the same way he looks at me or such kind of things with them. I just feel so confused about it, and everytime it happens I don’t know how to handle this feeling.

 It happened again this evening. I saw that glimpse in his eyes when he told me how bad it is to look at someone in a certain way, without being loved back. I felt so uncomfortable, because I think that he might refer… well, to me. I know it sounds crazy and maybe I’m just misunderstanding his behavior, but I’m seriously starting to think that. I tried to avoid him for the rest of the evening because I don't want him to know that I suspect he likes me. It would be hard for him and it might compromise our relationship. I don’t want to deceive anyone.

 Well, maybe ignoring him didn’t help him at all. God, I’m such a fool! I certainly made things worse for him! It’s CLEAR that he doesn’t want me to get away from him. Now he’s probably thinking that I’m pissed off with him or stuff like that. What if I ruined his day? I don’t want him to feel bad about his feelings after all that happened with his ex, but I also don’t want him to delude himself. I mean, I’m not into that kind of thing with him. He’s a really good friend, I swear, but I don’t look at him that way.

 At least I guess. 

 I get home and after putting on my pajamas I just lay on the bed. Strange thoughts are spreading in my mind. I get my phone and… God, I forgot to reply to Alice’s texts. 

 Alice and I are dating. Well, we were sort of together last year, but things didn’t go as we wanted and we suddenly broke up. A few weeks ago she texted me and we started to date again. I just thought I had nothing to lose, after all. We met three days ago, we kissed and we decided to remain in contact. I don't know if I really want to try it again with her, to be honest. I feel very physically attracted to her, I must say, but our conversations are just so… empty. It is all about nothing. I don't even remember what we were chatting about before I went to Mara's. If our moments were just like mine and Marco's, I would definitely fall in love with her. 

 She sent her last text two hours ago.

“I had other troubles in my mind, apparently”, I say to myself. I involuntarily think of Marco again.

 I'm so sorry I acted like that. It's strange that I care so much about Marco, actually. The way I feel about him is deeply different from the way I feel about Tommaso or Filippo or all my friends. Maybe because everytime we hang out is a brand new experience since we're so different from each other. You know, the thrill of the new. Yeah, Lying is never the right choice, but I can't think of a way of telling her I spent the evening trying to avoid a friend of mine that maybe is in love with me and that anyway I thought about him all the time.

 That's it, for sure.

 Alice doesn't text me back. I wish she's not pissed off with me, I've already made a mistake with Marco. No need to make other damages. And I'm thinking of Marco for the umpteenth time. His ears must have been burning.

 Maybe I should talk to him, since I might be imagining it all. Maybe he's not in love with me at all and he was referring to somebody else. But if he really is and I ask him, I might make things even worse. I should ask someone else if they feel the same way about all of this, if they noticed the same things I did, so that every doubt is removed and everything comes back to normality.

Too many thoughts. I need to rest.